The Production Line

Well we're movin' on up

2010-08-26T08:59:00.000-04:00

www.theproductionline.us

Click that link to head on over to the DEE-luxe apartment in the sky -- and please take a minute to update links, bookmarks, and blogrolls!

Sparty on, Gator

2010-08-23T19:24:00.000-04:00

For realz, dude. She's sitting in the second row right there...NO DON'T LOOK NOW.

And with that, the Red Wings have made their final roster move of the summer. Theoretically. I suppose it's POSSIBLE Willie Mitchell takes Derek Meech money, but methinks that ship has sailed. Justin Abdelkader signed for two years, at an incredible cap hit of $727,500 -- making a salary of $750k the first year and $825k the second. He'll continue a hockey career that has taken place (as a home player, anyway) entirely in the state of Michigan.

Excluding Mattias Ritola, there are now fourteen forwards on the roster and 24 players signed altogether -- one more than the NHL roster limit, meaning -- SURPRISE! -- Derek Meech is likely to be traded before the end of training camp.

Gator is expected to play on the fourth line with Patrick Eaves and Darren Helm -- with Kris Draper and Drew Miller rotating in or enjoying cheese fries, dollar hot dogs, and several dozen cold ones with Budd Lynch and Murph.

The Red Wings are in no way obligated to shed salary prior to the start of the season, so they'll likely hang on to all of their assets throughout training camp, in case of injuries, before making any tweaks. But it appears the opening day roster is just about set -- and it looks a little something like this:

Z -- Pav -- Buns
Mulo -- Flapjacks -- Voldemort
Loins -- Mr. Willa -- Scuttles
Gator -- Danger -- Eaves
(SNP / Drapes)

Shiny Nickel -- Dearborn
Kronwall -- Stuart
Rig -- Salei
(Amazon / Meech)

Tiberius
Five Hole

And since we received some e-mails from folks who didn't know who we were talking about with our oft-ridiculous nicknames, the Rosetta Stone:

Zetterberg -- Datsyuk -- Holmstrom
Franzen -- Filppula -- Bertuzzi
Cleary -- Modano -- Hudler
Abdelkader -- Helm -- Eaves
(Miller / Draper)

Lidstrom -- Rafalski
Kronwall -- Stuart
Ericsson -- Salei
(Kindl / Meech)

Howard
Osgood

Including the bonuses that are potentially due to newly signed players like Mike Modano and Ruslan Salei (about which I'll have a post soon -- because I'm a tad uneasy about those kinds of contracts), we're looking at a little more than $775k over the cap. $850k of that can be deferred to next season (I'm shaking my fist...you can't see it, but trust that that's what I'm doing right now), and Derek Meech's $500k will likely be removed from the equation. I'm not sure if you can pay SOME bonuses (and have them count against the cap this season) and defer the rest -- so I'll be on the lookout for a CBA Nerd to explain it to me (NOT found at Best Buy).

If ALL of the bonuses are deferred until next season -- and Meech is put on a bus to Atlanta -- the Wings will have a comfortable cushion for injury call-ups and the like. That's a wrap on the off-season. Let's lace them up already.

Photo Credit: Harry How, Getty Images

Another Day at the Table

2010-08-20T08:12:00.000-04:00

Well, hello world!

I'm finally back in New York, attempting to get back to a normal pace of life after a very successful Operation: Matrimony campaign. I'd like to thank everyone for their very kind comments on Twitter, via e-mail, on Facebook, and even in the comments 'round these parts.

Anywho, it's our turn to host the jailsexing awesomesauce of the roundtable, and we were honored to be a part of it again after a very entertaining run last summer. We're coming hot on the heals of posts at Winging it in Motown and Snapshots -- and make sure to tune in to the next round by The Triple Deke, who posed possibly the most humorous question I've ever had the pleasure of answering. Speaking of Snapshots, congratulations to George Malik, a good friend of ours, who will be jumping over to Kukla's Korner, first at A2Y and then to an as-yet-unnamed blog. I'm sure he'll kill it and the rest of the hockey world will know what we've known for years: Malik's the bomb.

The questions I posed to the group -- and their well thought-out answers are as follows:

QUESTION THE FIRST!

Second-year players often fall victim to a sophomore slump -- and that's especially true of goaltenders. How likely is it that Jimmy Howard can keep up with the expectations he set from a season ago, and how will the Red Wings fare if he DOES falter slightly?

Matt Saler (On the Wings)
I think there's a reasonable chance Jimmy takes what'll be perceived to be a step backwards this year. But I say "perceived" because I think he rose to the occasion, hitting a level above himself last year. This year, we may see more where Jimmy actually is at this point in his career. It may not be bad, but if he's not winning games the same way he was last year, it wouldn't be surprising, or the end of the world. Osgood's likely to be a better backup this year, as he's always been slated to be the second guy in this year of his contract. Assuming Babcock deals out the starts a little more evenly this year, the Wings should be alright even with Jimmy playing less spectacularly. My wife points out that even if Jimmy doesn't play as well, the team will hopefully make up the difference this time around.

If they both can't get it done, say hello to Joey MacDonald. I'm not sure how they'd swing that without an injury, but Joey could likely step in competently if needed.

Tyler Devereaux (The Triple Deke)
It would be too awesome for Jimmy to repeat a rookie season that saw him 5th in the league GAA, 4th in SV%, and 8th in wins. That's me being pessimistic, or realistic maybe. Is he THAT good already? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. I figure I'm just playing the odds here. The team can deal with him slipping slightly in the regular season because they now have the offensive depth to make up for it.

Casey Richey (Winging it in Motown)
Like I posted on WIM, Howard's going to have a tough act to follow because those numbers that he posted were great for anyone--not just a rookie. I think he'll be able to keep it at about the same level because of the way he progressed during the 2009-10 season. I think he showed that it's not going to be a fluke year and that he really does have the makings to be a full-time NHL goalie. I would imagine he's worked on rebound control and the soft goals that he allowed will probably go away over time. If he does falter, the Wings have a lot better team in front of him this year with Hudler and Modano adding some more defensive skills to the forward position (and making the assumption of a non-injury-plagued-season-from-hell). But, I also believe Howard could be setting himself up for an even better year than last year.

Chris Hollis (The Obstructed View)
I don't think we'll see too much of a slip up from Jimmah as he heads into his second season, but it is hard to imagine that he'll be as stellar as he was during the Wings run to the playoffs last season. That said, a lot of his success will be determined by the guys he has playing in front of him. With the Wings looking like they now have three viable scoring lines to go with an aggressive forechecking fourth line, some of the scoring pressure that Howard had to deal with last season may be eased a bit. Along those same lines, the defense will be key to Howard's success and a healthy blue line may be what makes or breaks Jimmah's sophomore campaign. The biggest thing Howard will have to overcome though is the mental challenge of not trying to do too much and just playing the game he knows how to play. If he makes the saves that he should make and has a steady presence between the pipes and between the ears, he'll do just fine this season and so will the Red Wings.

Drew (Nightmare on Helm Street)
If Jimmy Howard is too old to win rookie of the year, then he's too old to suffer the sophomore slump. Goalies are usually fragile creatures mentally, but the long road that led Jimmy to Detroit certainly toughened him up. The fact that he has Chris Osgood - the league's toughest goalie, mentally - backing him up certainly helps as well. I fully expect Ozzie to rebound from last year's stinkfest as well. So we'll have two internally savvy men between the pipes next year in total support of one another. We'll be fine.

George James Malik (Snapshots)
I'm not too worried about Howard for two reasons: first and foremost, he's a 27-year-old sophomore, and second, he has Chris Osgood to mentor him along and Jim Bedard to keep his technical game on the straight and narrow. Howard really started the 2009-2010 season playing a modified style thanks to Bedard, holding his glove and blocker a little higher and not splaying his legs out as much as he did previously while in his stance, and those tweaks paid off in terms of stopping first shots and being prepared to snag rebounds as well, especially as he finally learned how to position himself by conserving momentum and motion instead of charging out every time the puck bounced away. No more over-committing to the first shot or letting dekes beat him (save the shootout, where he's still shaky), and as a goalie, once you get your technical game finally mastered, your fundamentals carry you, even when your opponents think they've got a book on you.

It took Howard about six years for Bedard to take a raw, athletic butterfly goalie and turn him into an incredibly efficient hybrid goaltender, but he's finally got the position down in a manner that allows him to play efficiently and I really do believe that the combination of Bedard's tutelage and Osgood's insistence that Howard take the Dominik Hasek-like empty-headed approach to goaltending, worrying about stopping the next shot and making the next save, not buckling under the weight of expectations and embracing pressure instead of folding under it...

I just think that Howard's a mature young man, and that places him miles ahead of the Steve masons of the hockey world.

If he falters, I sure hope and pray to the Hockey Gods that Osgood rebounds from his terrible 2009-2010 season (I wonder if he was more seriously injured than he let on) and regains his form. A little work with Bedard couldn't hurt Osgood, but I do think he'll get back to being himself this year.

Kris (Snipe Snipe Dangle Dangle)
Goaltending is my biggest concern for the season. I don't really know what to expect, so I've spent the summer avoiding thinking about it. I don't think Jimmy's going to crash and burn, but I think it's giong to be hard to keep up the level of play that he showed during stretches of the regular season last year. I also choose to imagine that Chris Osgood will look better this year than he did last year. He's had some time to adjust to the backup role and hopefully he's gotten his head straight. If Jimmy ends up struggling, having a veteran goalie like Ozzie to fall back on is mildly reassuring, but there's no way of knowing which version of him we're giong to see this sesaon. I'm sure we'll be having endless discussions/arguments about this on Twitter and the blogs all season long.

QUESTION THE SECOND!

With the addition of Ruslan Salei to the blueline, it's fair to say that Jakub Kindl is the de-facto seventh defenseman heading into the season. How many games do you expect Kindl to play, and how important are quality minutes in the upcoming season if he's to blossom into the blue-chip defenseman the Red Wings hope he is?

Saler (OTW)
How many games Kindl plays depends on Jonathan Ericsson and team health. If Jonny's lights out, it'll be hard to get Kindl in, as I can see a Babcockian dependence on Salei developing where the PK is concerned. If the defense has any injuries, Kindl'll be in however long he's needed, obviously.

In general, they'll need him to play 20+ games to make having him here worth it (though it's not like they have choice, thanks to stupid waiver rules). I hope Chelios can mentor him somehow for when he's not in the lineup. But that can't beat on-ice experience. This season's probably going to be like a redshirt for Jakub.

Tyler (TTD)
Blind hunch: Kindl is the 6th defenseman at the start of the playoffs, and Ericsson will be in the Eastern Conference.

Casey (WIM)
I expect Kindl to play about 20 games in all. I tihnk he'll be called on to fill in during times of injury or times of crappyness from Ericsson/Salei. That being said, I think he could see some time as high as even the second line so that he would get some playing time alongside Kronwall or Stuart. I think, for me, it's tooe arly to speculate on his playign time and ability at the NHL level. We only saw him in a handful of games so far and the gap between Grand Rapids and Detroit is pretty big.

Hollis (TOV)
I'll say we'll see Kindl in about 30 games this year, and he'll average somewhere around 8-10 minutes a game when it is all said and done. Of course, that is all dependent on the overall healthy of his teammates and those numbers could go up if someone goes down with an injury. However, I don't expect we'll see him eating up tons of quality minutes at this point, rather, his minutes will be focused around getting him to play the position in accordance to Babcockian system of hockey, as well as learning the responsibilities of being a two-way player. Seeing him out there with Jonathan Ericsson is a bit of a scary prospect, especially if Ericsson is still going to crash the net at ill-advised times, so here's hoping he gets paired up with Ruslan Salei more often than the Big Rig.

Drew (NOHS)
Kindl's minutes will depend on how the rest of the defense performs this season. I doubt Kindl will beat out Salei for his spot on the third pairing. But if Jonathan Ericsson can't get his footing, then perhaps Kindl will get thrown into the mix. We had big hopes for Kindl - so it's a little disturbing to hear that his progression isn't coming along at the pace we had hoped. I think that pairing a veteran bone-cruncher like Salei with either Kindl or Ericsson will help in their progression. And hopefully the new suit, Chris Chelios, will be able to help them along as well.

Malik (SnS)
I think it's very fair to suggest that Kindl's the #7 defenseman, and I believe that the Wings had hoped that they could sign a solid #6 guy so that they could break in Kindl slowly at the NHL level. Kindl wasn't "champing at the bit" to play in the NHL like the over-ripe Ericsson, sophomore slump excluded, when the Wings brought him up--Kindl's had flashes of greatness at times, but whether it's at the NHL or AHL level, he's played inconsistently and seems to have confidence issues at times. I wouldn't want to force him to sink or swim and I think the Wings are going about this the right way as Kindl's solid regular-season performances as an injury replacement last year, in my opinion, were what saved him from the, "Do we waive him to send him down? We're really not sure if he's ready" status that Mattias Ritola currently inhabits. Kindl needs some TLC and he needs to get used to the NHL's pace of play and physicality as Kindl is, for his size, a remarkably un-physical defenseman, and is still quite raw in some aspects of his game. Putting him in the Derek Meech role isn't an indication that the Wings aren't sold on the kid--using Kindl as a Derek Meech-style part-time player allows the Wings' coaches and trainers to get him up to speed, bulk him up a bit, let him practice with the team, get comfortable at the NHL level and get some games in because he's a player whose inconsistencies belie the fact that he really does have ethe skill set to at least possibly become a very solid second-pair defenseman of the Jiri Fischer-but-not-physical vein. He's that good in terms of his vision, passing, shooting and potential, but his confidence, brain and body need another season in the AHL, and because the Wings can't give him that extra season thanks to stupid waivers, they're going to make sure that he breaks in slowly and surely.

I would guess that he'll play in 20-30 games as somebody's gonna get hurt, regrettably, and I would anticipate that Doug Janik and even Brendan Smith might get nods ahead of him as injury replacements on occasion.

Kris (SSDD)
Kindl's playing time is going to depend a lot on injuries and how well the third pairing performs on the ice. Chances are good that we won't be seeing a whole lot of him this season, but you never can tell. Even if he doesn't see a lot of minutes, I think practicing with the team and just being around the locker room on a regular basis will help him grow. Prior to the Salei signing, I was a little nervous about the prospect of having Kindl as the sixth defenseman, so having him in reserve where he's able to learn from guys like Lidstrom and step in if needed seems like a happy medium.

QUESTION THE THIRD

It wouldn't a question from The Production Line if I didn't get to poke fun at Todd Bertuzzi. He fell short of twenty goals last season, despite going on a tear through December. He showed some great chemistry with Henrik Zetterberg and Valtteri Filppula (but seriously...who wouldn't?), but Mike Babcock has stated that he'd like to reunite the Eurotwins - at least at the beginning of the season. Will the slightly altered top six mean more offense -- or will it take a little bit of time for the new combos to click?

Saler (OTW)
If Bert can't roll up points, at least, on a line with Franzen, there's a problem. I wonder, though, if Fil and Bert can feed Johan the puck in the way he'll need to really rack up the goals. I imagine the Eurotwin reunion won't last too long for that reason. Getting Franzen going will be a big goal this year, so whatever's needed to accomplish that will be done. If that's true, who knows where Bert will fall in the lineup? I'm not expecting big things from him this year.

Tyler (TTD)
It will take all of 10 seconds for Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg to click and commence with the offensive love-making. That's "offensive" like the production of goals and such, not "offensive" like Todd Bertuzzi's toe nail gunk.

Casey (WIM)
I actually think that the new top six will work quite well. Bertuzzi worked well with Franzen in the 7-1 win over San Jose, scoring off a Franzen shot and assisting on 3 of the 4 goals by Franzen. I think Fil and Bert will actually be a good combo for Franzen, who will be the go-to guy for goals on that line. Fil's an excellent passer and Bertuzzi can make some decent passes every now and then but is always a space eater so I think that'll clear up the room for Franzen to work. And of course, Hank-Pav-Homer will be a very dominant line and even when they aren't they'll be able to shut down the opposing offense.

Hollis (TOV)
I think it's going to take some time for these lines to click into place and really start putting up some points, but the potential is definitely there for it to happen. It'll be interesting to see how the Zetterberg/Datsyuk/Holmstrom line starts off the season, with my gut telling me it may take some time for them to really start producing points. That said, I'm much more intrigued by the Franzen/Filppula/Bertuzzi line. Personally, I don't see how this line makes it out of training camp still paired together, especially if Jiri Hudler gets jump started and begins putting pucks into the net. However, he would most likely displace Bert, which would leave the third line with a Bertuzzi/Modano/Cleary setup, which is not exactly encouraging in the offensive end ofthe ice. Who knows though. Maybe Bertuzzi will find that spark playing alongside Filppula and Franzen and this exercise in line making will have been all for naught. Personally, I think we'll see some mixing and matching of guys for the first few weeks until Babcock finds a setup that works.

Drew (NOHS)
I think the new combos are friggin' sweet. I've long said that the best ingredients for offensive production on a line is to have 1.) a passer 2.) a shooter and 3.) a big body/grinder. The "Flying Circus" of Z-Dats-Holmer certainly has all the components. With Franzen being a sniper, Bertuzzi's propensity for passing (they both have the big body aspect), and Filppula being somewhat of a jack-of-all-trades, I think line two will be pretty explosive. Cleary-Modano-Hudler also have all the ingredients. The great thing about having depth is that if things don't click after a while, Babbles can shuffle things around and we'll still have three legitimate scoring lines no matter which way to slice it. Big offensive numbers are on the way for several Red Wings.

Malik (SnS)
I don't know how long Babs will stick to his written-on-a-napkin lines, but I don't see Bertuzzi having a problem with playing alongside Franzen and Filppula. I would imagine that Datsyuk and Zetterberg will crank up their scoring to normal levels, and, after an adjustment period (just as you suggest), Franzen and Filppula will click relatively nicely--and I like the fact that Franzen's presence almost forces Bertuzzi to play the net-front-man's role as he played most effectively as a player who had to simplify his game, reduce the back-passing, dipsy-doodling and backhand-shot-taking and just get to the front of the net, screen the goalie and bang in rebounds. I actually like Bertuzzi, mind you, and thought that he exceeded expectations by a Manitoba mile because he displayed fantastic commitment to playing sound defense, worked hard every night, but I'm not too worried about him.

Kris (SSDD)
I like the idea of reuniting the Eurotwins. Every time they're on the ice together, the ice seems to tilt in the Wings' favor. I don't think it will take any time at all for the top line to click. Being able to reunite the Eurotwins while still having strong centers on the second and third lines gives the Wings a dynamic element that they lacked last season. the second line might take a few games to gel, but I don't think it's much of an issue. These are all guys who've played together for at least a season.

QUESTION THE...BONUS?

For the next two minutes, you're Mike Babcock. Which players make up your two power play units and why?

Saler (OTW)
PP1 :: Zetterberg-Datsyuk-Holmstrom-Lidstrom-Rafalski
- for obvious reasons
PP2 :: Franzen-Filppula-Hudler-Kronwall-Modano
- the second power play's where Babcock fills his forward on the blueline fetish, so why not Modano? He could probably hold it down, even with a lost step, at least to start the season.
PP3 :: Cleary-Abdelkader-Betuzzi-Lidstrom-Kronwall/Rafalski
- the Wings could really ice three viable PPs, if they split the D this way.

Casey (WIM)
PP1 :: Holmstrom-Datsyuk-Bertuzzi-Lidstrom-Rafalski
- Homer and Bert on the same PP unit? Yeah, why not? It lets Homer stay in his office and lets Bert do the dirty work along the boards.
PP2 :: Franzen-Zetterberg-Filppula-Kronwall-Ericsson
- With the bomb of a shot that Big E has he's got to crack the power play this year and the forwards are a no-brainer.

Hollis (TOV)
PP1 :: Holmstrom-Datsyuk-Franzen-Lidstrom-Rafalski
PP2 :: Zetterberg-Filppula-Bertuzzi-Modano-Kronwall
- Yes, I realize I broke up the Eurotwins on the first power play unit and no that's not a mistake. The reasoning is simple: that line led the team in special teams point production in both the regular season AND the playoffs. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. As for the second unit, I flirted with the idea of slotting Hudler in instead of Bertuzzi, but I think it'll be important for Big Bert to be parked in front of opposing goaltenders, which is clearly something we neither want or need to see happen with Hudler. However, if Modano or Filppula prove ineffective on the advantage, expect to see Hudler find his way onto the power play unit.

Drew (NOHS)
PP1 :: Holmstrom-Datsyuk-Zetterberg-Lidstrom-Rafalski
PP2 :: Franzen-Filppula-Cleary-Kronwall-Modano

Malik (SnS)
PP1 :: Zetterberg-Datsyuk-Holmstrom-Lidstrom-Rafalski
- Because they've produced consistently on the PP since Raffy came to town two years ago.
PP2 :: Franzen-Filppula-Cleary-Kronwall-Stuart
- Cleary's a little simpler-minded when it comes to forechecking and screening goalies than Bertuzzi and I thought that Stuart was quite honestly fantastic when the Wings had to employ him on the power play. I tihnk that Babs should stick with continuity up front and I just prefer the similar continuity on the back end, even over the temptation to place Mike Modano on the point.

Kris (SSDD)
PP1 :: Zetterberg-Datsyuk-Holmstrom-Lidstrom-Rafalski
- You'd be crazy not to.
PP2 :: Franzen-Filppula-Hudler-Kronwall-Modano
- A power forward, a set-up man, and... a short guy who likes hookers. Sounds perfect to me. Kronwall is a lock for the power play with his offensive skills. I went with Modano because I like the idea of a forward manning the point on the power play as long as it isn't Jason Williams (Who?).

This is a big weekend in TPLand

2010-08-06T11:53:00.004-04:00

By the time the sun goes down on Saturday, August 7, life will look very different for one member of the TPL family. One man will wake up, see the world through one lens and go to bed seeing it through another.

Naturally, I'm talking about myself.

Ever since I bought my house a year ago, I've basically avoided the backyard out of fear. Half the reason I could afford this joint in the first place was because the backyard looked like the factory innards from an Upton Sinclair novel. It's a grizzly scene and one that has not improved for the past 14 months.

This weekend, all that changes. There will be power tools, high-toxicity chemicals, loads of bulk materials transferred in the back of my Chevy from places that sell lumber and rocks...piles of rocks...and when they hand those rocks to you, they don't do it in some plastic bag. They do it with a fucking tractor. By the time this weekend is done, there will be lined flowerbeds, reworked drainage systems and fields formerly held by the great weed rebellion that will look like they'd faced the beating of a lifetime at the hands of a Spartan army who came, vanquished and salted after they'd dispatched the threat.

This is what life looks like at 30. I watch home improvement shows. I go into people's houses and look at things like the paint on the baseboards.

"Olive green. Smart choice."

If I didn't get so much joy out of the whole thing, it would be entirely pathetic. Maybe it still is. At this advanced age, I'm losing perspective. I can't help but think that the time-travelling 25 year old version of myself is going to drop in at any moment...catch me flipping through Dwell or looking at Monsanto products...hand me some illegal substance and tell me to get my shit together.

...

Of course, anyone who follows TPL happenings on Twitter knows that this is all complete bullshit. Yes, this is a big weekend. ...and yes, my backyard is getting a total makeover, but the real cause for celebration is that Petrella locking it down with the non-Bertuzzi love of his life, Andrea.

There are several things about this wedding that I appreciate.

For one, ever since we started batting terrible hockey analysis back and forth, Petrella has spoken in awe of Andrea. He's marrying his best friend and the woman of his dreams. Everyone says that the Friday before a wedding in the middle of cleaning out the rehearsal dinner open bar, but I really believe it's the truth here. Their story is an awesome one that I'll let him share with those interested...and privileged enough to hear it.

This is a man who has somehow found a woman that lets him watch hours of hockey, escape to LA to hang out with strippers and cover the draft, and devote late nights to game recaps. Any other woman would assume that a man looking at a computer at 2 in the morning was surfing the kind of site that had a "click here if you're over 18" splash page. ...and shit...maybe he is...maybe they're into that. I'm not here to judge when things get weird. ...but I am here to appreciate the analysis that comes out of Petrella's head in the depths of an evening like that, and I...we...have Andrea's tolerance to thank for the privilege.

The ceremony itself is, logistically, a smart move for TPL. For one, he'll be getting hitched in Pennsylvania, a decision that will allow him to keep tabs on some of the filthiest, brain-less fans in the league. Keeping eyes on the enemy is the kind of thing only Petrella...in a grand selfless act...would do during one of the most important days of his life.

Second, Petrella slated the nuptial for a weekend when most of the legitimate hockey talk has died for the offseason...a point validated by the Freep the other day that proclaimed the Wings are coasting into training camp. I refuse to believe it's a coincidence that one week we sign former Michigan native Mike Prodano to firm up the 3's and shortly thereafter Petrella walks the plank.

Can you imagine what the hell would happen if these two decided to tie the knot mid-season and Petrella had to go MIA for a few weeks? It's a scenario I don't even want to consider. We all know what happens when he throws me the keys for the "legitimate hockey analysis" portion of TPL. I jack up everything from the gametime to the roster for BOTH teams. It's a mid-season happening that I can only equate to the signing of Kyle Calder years back. On paper, it's not the worst idea...and maybe the change of pace will spice things up...but it never feels right...eventually something goes Three Mile Island wrong and soon we're back to normal.

In all seriousness, from one half of The Production Line to the other, I wanted to extend a gigantic Mule-sized congratulations to the soon-to-be-hitched couple. Next to the starting of TPL a year ago and the birth of their 19th child years from now, I assume that tomorrow will be the best day of young Michael's life.

Here's to a great weekend and the start of an awesome new chapter for The Petrellas!

#90

2010-08-03T15:32:00.000-04:00

It'll look a little like that.

Red Wings sign Willa Ford, Some Old Guy To Tag Along

2010-08-03T09:24:00.005-04:00

Armband tattoos are cheesy. UNLESS THEY'RE MUSICAL IN NATURE!

Well, the summer soap opera looks to have come to an end, as Mike Modano has finally decided to take the Wings up on their one-year contract offer to center the third line between Jiri Hudler and Dan Cleary. Or so Drunk Freep says.

Finally, an Italian worth rooting for on the Red Wings.

The real story here, however, is the opportunity for fans to spend the next ten months reaaaaaaally hoping for an Emma Andersson/Willa Ford Jell-O wrestling match to settle inter-locker room disagreements (office politics, you know how it goes...)

Anyone know the Swedish for "Imma end you, Southern biatch." ?

You all know my thoughts: I've been Prodano from the beginning of the "maybe" phase. I'm super-psyched that we've got a legit scoring threat of a third line. Sure, it was getting old playing the waiting game -- I hated that he backed off on his "Red Wings or retirement" stance when the Wild, Sharks, and Ducks came a-knocking. But he's a Red Wing now, so get ready, everyone. Time for the nitty gritty.

If the rumors are semi-accurate, the deal is for $1.25M (which would make him the tenth highest paid forward for optimists, third lowest [for now] for the pessimists). By my math, the Wings will have about $2,524,622 to sign Darren Helm, Justin Abdelkader, another defenseman, and leave a gap in case of injuries. But, like we've said a million times but no one seems to grasp, teams may go over the salary cap until the final day of training camp, so there's no need to be under that magic number just yet. Derek Meech will most likely be removed if he fails to make the top six, giving the Wings even more wiggle room. They're sitting pretty right now, twenty-one one-way players signed (i.e., excluding Mattias Ritola and Doug Janik).

Rest assured, Modano signing doesn't mean that Helm and Abdelkader won't be signed. It's very clear that they're in the Wings' long-term plans, and Holland has admitted as much to anyone that'd ask. Push comes to shove (and it won't, because it never does), they'll wave goodbye to Drew Miller before they'd part with either of the homegrown boys. Theoretically, our forward corps:

Zetterberg :: Datsyuk :: Holmstrom

Franzen :: Filppula :: Bertuzzi

Hudler :: Modano :: Cleary

Abdelkader :: Helm :: Draper/Miller/Eaves

Suck it, Chicago Turcos.

Yes, he's 40. No, he's not the player he was when he was 25. Yes, he pulled a tiny bit of a prima donna move this summer. No, it's not unreasonable to allow him a few weeks to decide on his future after the service he's provided. Yes, he's still got some juice in the tank. No, he shouldn't be vilified for Wings fans' over-eagerness. Here are some things that might have slipped through the cracks in your blind rage that he didn't do a backflip through fire for the Red Wings immediately...

He was an All-Star the last time there was an All-Star Game (09). And it wasn't an "every team has to be represented" thing, because Stephan Robidas was there, too.
Though he's been a finalist for the Calder, Selke, and Byng Trophies, he's never won an NHL Award. Selkes and Byngs are in the Red Wings wheelhouse. One might say that Mike Modano is a prototypical two-way center that the Wings are famous for.
He and his one career fight (Brind'Amour) will immediately challenge Patrick Eaves for "No Way, He'll Drop The Gloves?" Award.

And now onto the numbers game -- what might he wear when he suits up in red and white since #9 is off-limits? I'm reading on Twitter that he's worn 27 in two All-Star Games, but I couldn't find any sort of confirmation of that. Every roster I've looked at with his name on it has #9 next to his name -- including all of the All-Star Games. The only thing I found was a photo of Mike Modano in his Prince Albert jersey (from Juniors) wearing 22. So... take that, Lebda.

Scratch all that... per the Free Press, he'll be in #90 in Detroit.

It doesn't sound like we'll know for sure until later in the week, as Modano himself texted "big announcement Thursday." But all signs point to Mike Modano heading to Motown to finish his career near his hometown of Westland (or Livonia, depending on who you ask). I, for one, welcome him to the Wings -- and I hope he proves all the Nodanos wrong.

"Like some hot chick you used to date"

2010-08-02T09:09:00.003-04:00

This past Saturday night, in the middle of a cocaine-infused, 5-whiskey handle, pack-and-a-half of Marlboro Reds bender, my girlfriend looked over at me and calmly said that I looked a bit whimsical. We were riding in the back of our stretch Bentley limousine when someone errantly put She's Outta Your League on the jumbo 78 inch flat screen. The movie sucked, but there was a moment...a scene...that gave me pause. ...enough pause that I had to lean back and raise the divider to keep the noise down from the roiling hot tub scene happening right behind my captain's chair. That cavalcade of Norwegian strippers...who knew they'd ever get that loud?

The plot line from the movie is irrelevant here. This rather average guy is BEING CHASED by a chick who is certifiably batshit crazy for even considering him when she could easily engage men of a higher caliber with bristling pecs, bulging bank accounts and knowledge of at least seven languages. Men like Petrella and me.

Anyway, their first real date is to a hockey game. They're Pen's fans, which was disappointing and distracting...and immediately put everyone in the hole in terms of "character issues"...but either way, this was the first time in months that I'd seen our great game on my living room television screen. ...I mean...the tv in the Bentley.

My girlfriend Deya, who in her own right is a legitimate piece of grade-A tail, looked over during that scene...saw me with this longing face...and said that it looked like I'd just seen some superfine girl I used to date. It was a far-away look. It was a lonely look.

Baby...I want you back.

As we settle in for another grating Monday of expense reports, billable hours and ducking our bosses, I'm pining for The Game. I'm beginning to think about what life will look like when hockey returns full-force. I'm imagining the scene...where I rush home from work for some East Coast game...throw some week-old pilaf in the microwave, dig through the fridge for a non-Natural Light beer...and settle in for the evening.

I can see the setup: Laptop for taking notes, blackberry for messaging various game-related characters (and my mother...OK...I admit it). I'm picturing the feel of the couch, the intro music, the sounds of Larry Murphy rambling through intermission analysis about our blueliners. I've visualizing Mick, mustache and all, in the booth talking about players getting off a slide...or running a defensemen. ...or maybe he's just dropping a few pearls about how to live a better life.

I can feel the frustration of a period where we got close...but didn't cash one in...or the anxiety late in the game when we're up by one and they're surging. ... or the elation when Tiberius makes a save you're used to seeing go through Ozzie's legs. ...or that sense of anticipation when Flip darts up-ice and you wonder if Hank's about to flash into the frame.

I'm ready. I'm ready to have our game back. This summer has been torturous. LeBron...LeModano...I'm tired of it. I want a real game...with real men...playing for a storied franchise. I couldn't care less about baseball highlights. Much as I'm nostalgic for the Tigers...and Ernie...I'm tired of Sportscenter being completely consumed by Web Gems. I'm exhausted by Chris Paul thinking LeBron had a good idea. I'm pissed that some old ass QB from Mississippi can't make up his mind about whether or not he wants to pick up a few mil more for playing a game.

Go Fuck Yourself. Honestly.

The best news I got all weekend was seeing a Freep column about Downey trying to get back on the club. Will he make it? Probably not, but I love that kid anyway. He's the kind of guy that would never make it in the NBA. He doesn't have the flash or the entourage to pull it off. He's a grinder. He's outspoken about wanting to play for one franchise and he's the kind of guy you'd happily buy about seven Bud Heavies and shoot pool with.

I'm done with this summer business. Give me the game. Give me the stress and the hopes and the letdowns. ...and the elation. Give me that raised eyebrow when we're down three goals midway through the third and we pot one. Give me that pensive Sunday night where you look at the upcoming week's schedule and wonder where we can pick up points. Give me the ass-clenching games against the Blues and the Sunday afternoon rallies against the Hawks. Give me the late-season stretch where we're clinching the Central...or rallying for relevancy...or silencing the latest round of armchair Bowmans telling us that we're too old, too tired and on our way out.

I'm ready. Anyone else?

H2H2 Update

2010-07-23T16:27:00.000-04:00

230 days until we descend upon the great city of Detroit as a massive group for the second annual (THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'RE ALLOWED TO USE ANNUAL) meet-up.

As soon as you know how many seats you'd like to the game, let Jen MacRostie know, via e-mail or Twitter Direct Message (e-mail is prefered). Tickets are the lowest price we can get -- $28/each -- and will be on the end where the Wings shoot twice. If you were there last year, it's basically the same sections we occupied and tinfoiled up. We'll have to give our number relatively soon, so don't delay or you'll end up jailsexed.

Like always, big thanks to my friend Ryan Michaels, who is helping us immensely on the Red Wings' end. Everyone owes him a beer (preferably spread out over a few weeks, so as to avoid a trip to the ER).

Derek Meech re-signs, still the league's lowest paid player

2010-07-15T11:16:00.001-04:00

The Red Wings re-signed another of their restricted free agents today, as defenseman Derek Meech agreed to a one-year, $500k contract extension. Despite his new contract being the lowest allowed under the CBA, Meech was actually given a 3% raise -- his last deal was signed prior to the minimum being increased to half a million.

Excluding Doug Janik, this makes seven defensemen under contract. Ken Holland has made no secret that he'd like to sign a veteran defenseman to play as a #6, but his hands are somewhat tied until he hears if Mike Modano will accept the one-year, $1.25M offer -- or if he'll sign elsewhere (or retire). Even though teams may go over the salary cap by 10% until the final day of training camp, interviews with the boss seem to indicate it's Modano or a defenseman, and that even he doesn't make another move on the blueline, he's confident heading to camp allowing Brendan Smith, Doug Janik, Jakub Kindl, and Derek Meech battle for the final blueline spots.

For what it's worth, Meech has said that he intends on being one of the Wings' top six this season -- and if he isn't, he'd prefer to be traded. That's fair to say, being that he's been a Red Wing for three full seasons, and a pro for six. Like Kyle Quincey before him, he may just need a legitimate chance to stay in the lineup to become a valuable NHLer. If he doesn't crack the blueline corps -- and it's fair to assume that he won't -- I wish him well with his new team. He seems like a great kid, he never complains, and he's willing to play forward if necessary.

The signing avoids an arbitration -- the only one that was planned for the Red Wings. I feel like a league minimum deal is proof he should have gone... would the arbitrator given Meech less somehow? Made him pay the Red Wings? Demand he change his jersey number? Seems like it would have been worth it for the young blueliner, but once again he acted as a consummate professional and did what the Wings needed him to do. Perhaps he was sold on a minimum deal being easy to trade once he doesn't make the active roster.

Only Darren Helm and Justin Abdelkader remain as free agents, but we've been promised long-term deals later in the summer for those two, so relax Twitter.

Retrospectacus IV: The Kids are Alright

2010-07-09T11:30:00.000-04:00

Over the coming weeks, The Production Line will be publishing guest posts from our very favorite readers, commenters, and Tweeps -- those that don't have a Wings blog to call their own, and might appreciate a place to vent, praise, bitch, or jailsex it up. We're proud to offer up this space to some good friends, great writers, and incredible hockey fans.

For today's installment, we're proud to present Jeff Hancock of The Good Old Hockey Show - a kickass program that has had me on as a guest twice. Though he has to be fairly impartial co-hosting such a show, Jeff makes no secret that he's a Michigan boy and a Red Wings fan. And with that, his post:

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I might be in the minority here...but the kids are alright.

With the real possibility of Mike Modano (who went to the same elementary and middle school as me; we both had Miss Bowman [no relation to Scotty] for Language Arts as 6^th graders. Not at the same time of course. He’s 40 and I’m 22. Different high schools though. His family moved to Livonia, but this is all beside the point)

Where was I? Oh yeah...

With Modano possibly signing with the Wings, there has been a lot of speculation about Kenny having enough money to sign a 6^th/7^th defenseman.

Well to that, I say who cares?

After spending some time over at one of my daily internet stops -- the Snapshots blog to read some of Malik’s fine work -- I stumbled upon a few little quotes that made me touch my chin, look up to the ceiling, and pause and think for a moment.

The first from Mr. Brendan Smith himself:

"I know the motto here (for rookies) is to go to Grand Rapids and get a year under your belt," said Smith, who is taking part in the Wings' development camp Thursday through Sunday. "But Ken Holland (general manager) has told me the sky's the limit. I can come in great shape and prove myself and put myself on the squad, or I can do the opposite. I am excited."

And the second from Mr. Kenny Holland:

"I want to see where he's at," Holland said of Smith. "Do we go with kids or do we sign a veteran? If the right free agent comes along at the right price, well sign him. If not, I am comfortable going to training camp and letting these guys sort it out. If they aren't up to the challenge, we can always look to add a veteran in October or November But I am OK letting this play itself out over the summer and then again in October."

Could this actually be happening? Could the Wings give this kid a legit shot to make the team and play in Detroit this year?

I sure as hell hope so.

Pass this kid the puck and tell him to give it his best shot.

Smith was a stud in college last season and led all defenseman in points. He was a top 10 Hobey Baker finalist and had a ridiculous 5 assists in an 8-1 Frozen Four victory over RIT. I want to see what this kid can do at the pro level.

Now, I know the Wings have their strategy of letting prospects spend years in juniors and the minors, but every now and then I wish they’d let one of these kids loose and see what happens. We’ve seen plenty of young hockey players make the jump since the lockout. Just last year Tyler Myers and Matt Duchene jumped directly from the WHL and OHL to the big leagues. Of course for every Myers and Duchene you have 10 other players who don’t make the cut, but consider that Smith is older than both those guys, so why not? It’s not like he can’t go back to Grand Rapids if things don’t work out perfectly.

Of course Smith had his little off the ice incident just shortly after signing his contract with the Wings. In no way do I condone his actions, but hey, maybe this kid has a little snarl to him? A little aggression? Likes to throw his body around a little bit? Which is something I think wouldn’t hurt the Wings defense these days.

I hope Kenny is serious about giving this kid a shot. Who knows how much longer Lidstrom is going to be around. I’d love to have Smith spend a season in the big leagues learning directly from the greatest defense I have personally ever seen play the game. Let Smith, Kindl, and Ericsson all battle it out for the 5^th/6^th/7^th defense spots and send Meech packing to join Lebda in Toronto. Smith has all the potential in the world to become a big name on this team in the future and Kindl has been in Grand Rapids for long enough. Give them both a shot and in the end if it doesn’t work, send Ritola down and sign that veteran bottom pair defenseman in October or November.

I’m genuinely excited to see this kid play for the Wings and, I’ll say this, if Smith makes the team, I’ll be the first in line to buy my #2 Red Wings jersey.

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If you're interested in keeping up with Jeff, follow him on Twitter. While you're at it, follow The Good Old Hockey Show, too, to stay up-to-date with their broadcasts.

LeModano...the unLeBron

2010-07-08T00:25:00.005-04:00

The venue for early Modano greatness

Tomorrow night at 9 PM ET a guy who has never won a championship in anything since high school will command the attention of the entire sports universe. As much as I'd love to knock Bron-Gate, I have to admit, I'm semi-intrigued. It's almost impossible to not be. I'm a complete sucker for sports radio and...as the disgruntled Dan Patrick refers to it...
"The Mothership" in Bristol. It's a guilty pleasure enjoying this fiasco...the kind of thing you follow, but don't really talk about much...like Twilight.

(wait a minute)

Part of what I love about the Lebron mess is how un-hockey it is. I love the contrast. Take anyone on skates...any vehicle in Gary's prized marketing stable of gay unicorns...and even that guy...even Sid or Ovie couldn't possibly create the kind of shitstorm we're seeing right now in Cleveland. It wouldn't fit the game's profile. The closest thing we've seen is the Gretz/Edmonton presser, but I file that in a different drawer because that wasn't some contrived marketing bullshit.

The ultimate example is what's going on with Mike Modano...who I can't wait to come up with a nickname for. And no, "Mo" won't due around these parts where a glossary and a decoder ring seem increasingly applicable.

If this were the NBA, there would be 15 montages every day on ESPN about the aging American-born stud returning to his homeland...to the team that haunted him throughout his career...for one last run at greatness. There would be slow-motion shots of Livonia and the rink Modano played in as a youth. They would interview all of his former coaches, his teammates and that chick who gave him his first handie in the back of a roughed up Plymouth Laser.

...but that's not the route this awesome storyline has taken. Instead, we're talking about numbers...and fit...and shuffling a few lines to make way for a great player that we'd all like to see come home. I'm not saying there's a direct comparison between a kid on his way up and an icon on his way out...in two sports that couldn't be any more different...but this IS one of those moments where those of us who self-identify as hockey fans should be proud.

Substance over style. Steak of sizzle.

No matter how many promos about Thid's washing machine the league turns out, this will always be the league where there is so much more under the surface than we'll ever know. This is a game of lingering knee injuries that wait until the offseason...5 am practices for 10 year old kids...and "everyman" moments that never show up in 30 second ad buys. No matter how high you jack up the "daiquiri seat" prices, this will always be a game that belongs to the guy who works his ass of all day to put food on the table for his kids...to the woman who works a double shift at a job she hates...to the kid who has talent in abundance but chooses to remain a kid instead of turning into a walking billboard.

The contrast between LeBron and LeModano is gives us a moment to appreciate the awesome cultural differences between these two massive sports. It's a contrast that, as a hockey fan, I'm proud to call out.

Eaves makes twelve, $3.75M left in the account

2010-07-07T13:12:00.000-04:00

Patrick Eaves has re-signed with the Red Wings for a bargain basement deal -- yet again. The one-year deal is worth a reported $750,000, a raise on his league-minimum $500,000 deal from a season ago. He has been receiving buyout payments from the Boston Bruins, per the trade with the Carolina Hurricanes, which help supplement his regular paycheck. The Bruins, in turn, receive a credit this season as Eaves' salary would have been below the buyout amount (or some such nonsense).

If you follow along, you'll recall I was most concerned about Patrick Eaves coming back into the fold, for fear that he'd earned his way into a bigger paycheck than the Wings could likely afford.

Using the numbers from yesterday, the Wings now have $55,642,045 dedicated to salary (12 forwards, 6 defenseman, and 2 goaltenders) and an additional $50,000 due for bonuses, leaving the Red Wings with $3,757,955 to sign their remaining restricted free agents: Darren Helm, Justin Abdelkader, and Derek Meech.

I won't get into the Modano and sixth D implications again, everyone's covered how insanely easily those pieces will fit financially thanks to the deals these guys are taking.

Maybe Lilja comes back after all...

Miller re-signs, $4.5M remains

2010-07-06T16:23:00.000-04:00

Perhaps the dominoes will start to fall now.

Drew Miller has re-signed with the Red Wings for one year, $650k -- a 23% raise on his $525k cap hit from a year ago. It remains to be seen what his role will be this upcoming season, particularly with Mike Modano being heavily courted. Many feel Miller might be on his way out, via waivers or a trade, should Modano be inked.

Nevertheless, it's a good signing, with a great cap hit -- and we're confident it will all shake out in due time.

In other contract news, Derek Meech was the lone Red Wing to file for salary arbitration, but it appears negotiations won't need to go that route. He -- along with Patrick Eaves -- are close to signing one-year deals, according to general manager Ken Holland.

Having Miller and Eaves sign one-year contracts leaves a funny taste in my mouth, kind of like they're being used as place-holders until guys like Tomas Tatar are ready to be slotted in, as opposed to being full-fledged Red Wings. And that's okay -- not everyone has to be a Johan Franzen.

With 19 players signed, here's how the numbers are looking:

1 Howard [716,667]
2 Osgood [1,416,667]

3 Lidstrom [6,200,000]
4 Rafalski [6,000,000]
5 Stuart [3,750,000]
6 Kronwall [3,000,000]
7 Ericsson [900,000]
8 Kindl [883,333]
9 ---vacant---

10 Datsyuk [6,700,000]
11 Zetterberg [6,083,333]
12 Franzen [3,954,545]
13 Filppula [3,000,000]
14 Hudler [2,875,000]
15 Cleary [2,800,000]
16 Bertuzzi [1,937,500]
17 Holmstrom [1,875,000]
18 Draper [1,583,333]
19 Miller [650,000]
20 Ritola [516,667]
21 ---vacant---
22 ---vacant---
23 ---vacant---

Total salary dedicated (including bonus penalty): $54,892,045
CAP SPACE AS OF JULY 6TH: $4,507,955

As a reminder, teams may go over the cap by 10% (an additional 5.94M) until the final day of the pre-season, so the Wings will have plenty of space to work with and figure out who makes the roster and who doesn't. Patrick Eaves, Justin Abdelkader, and Darren Helm are -- theoretically -- in line to fill those final three forward slots, with Mike Modano putting them one over the roster limit. Mattias Ritola is on a two-way deal, but cannot be sent down to Grand Rapids without being waived.

Once the RFA trio has been signed, it's fair to assume that Miller -- and maybe even Draper -- will be bumped from the following:

Zetterberg :: Datsyuk :: Holmstrom

Franzen :: Filppula :: Bertuzzi

Cleary :: (vacant) :: Hudler

(vacant) :: Draper :: Miller

Extra: Ritola

TBA: Helm, Abdelkader, Eaves

Rest in Peace, Probie

2010-07-06T08:17:00.000-04:00

On Monday, Hockeytown lost a legend.

No, his number won't join Stevie and Gordie in the rafters. But anyone who was a Wings fan in mid-80's to mid-90's will remember -- fondly -- what Bob Probert brought to the game. He was the ultimate teammate, a hell of a brawler, and an oddly efficient goal-scorer.

There was a time, when I was in fifth grade, that Bob Probert and Tie Domi fought. I know, that doesn't sound that odd because they went thirteen times over their illustrious, blood-shedding careers. But this time, PASS Sports (remember PASS Sports?) had a punch-tracker ready to go before the fists began flying. A mini-scoreboard on the lower portion of the television screen, allowing all of us at home to experience every punch as Probie did. And, for whatever reason, we all felt like we battled with him.

But he was more than just an enforcer, or a tough guy. I'm not sure there's been a more blue-collar guy in a blue-collar town like Detroit. He wasn't untouchable in the way that Steve Yzerman was but he was special. The fans had a connection with the man, not just the player. He had more than his fair share of off-ice issues (which, strangely, I think made him more endearing to the fans -- as opposed to a villain in our eyes), but we're not here to talk about those. There will be plenty said along those lines.

Instead, we celebrate Mr. Probert's life and career. He scored 162 goals in the NHL -- ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY TWO -- and spent 3300 minutes in the box, which is equivalent to 2.29 DAYS. What's more, nearly every single one of those minutes was served on behalf of a teammate and friend. Players have come and gone -- some more popular and infamous than others -- but few have come close to having the kind of worship that Bob Probert did.

Most importantly, he left behind four children and a legacy.

I'm looking forward to the first game at the Joe next season. Anyone who knows anything about modern Red Wings history will begin the Probie chant right around "gave proof through the night" -- and it will thoroughly drown out "the home of the brave."

We lost a good one. He was a hard-nosed, bruised-knuckled, soft-handed, Bruise Brother son of a bitch that proudly wore the Winged Wheel for nine years -- and the Blackhawk logo for seven. By all accounts, he was a hell of a man, a funny locker room presence, and a kind-hearted soul.

From The Production Line to the Probert family and our brothers and sisters in Hockeytown, our thoughts are with you.

I've heard of two of you PLUS Modano Meanderings

2010-07-04T14:25:00.001-04:00

Happy Fourth of July, Hockeytown!

Detroit pulled a minor Calgary Flames move (ha... Olol Lolkinen...) and brought back a guy into the fold they've said goodbye to. Not that they have a history of such things. In total, three players were signed on the third day of free agency

Playing the role of "mentor to Thomas McCollum who will compete for starts in GR" is Joey MacDonald.

Yes, the very same Joey MacDonald that was a Wings' depth goalie for parts of five seasons -- including 2006-07, when he began the season in Detroit. He wasn't getting any icetime with Dominik Hasek and Chris Osgood in the fold, and he was claimed by the Boston Bruins off of waivers. The following season was split between the Islanders and their AHL club in Bridgeport -- and this past season, he bounced back and forth between the NHL and AHL versions of minor league teams in Toronto. He's a proven AHL guy, and will hopefully push McCollum -- the clear-cut goaltender of the future -- to be a better player as he enters his second professional season.

Playing the role of Matt Hussey is Chris Minard.

My fiancee's father has season tickets for the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton (Baby) Penguins, so I've had the opportunity to see Minard play a handful of the 110 games he played as a Penguin. He's a very decent AHL player, and has gotten a taste of the NHL in each of the last three seasons. I wouldn't expect the same in Detroit -- and I'm sure he knows the score. Guys like Josh Langfeld, Mark Hartigan, Carl Corazzini, and Kip Miller have been this kind of signing in recent years: might be able to play for an NHL squad, if they weren't the Red Wings.

Playing the role of Who the Hell is That? is Jamie Johnson.

As a general rule, you should always read Babcock's Death Stare every day -- but particularly when there are signings like these because our homeboy Kyle knows more about these guys than most folks. Johnson, who spent last season with the Rochester Americans, has never played a game in the National Hockey League, and -- at 28 years old -- probably won't. Solid enough numbers, and theoretically will be a wonderful contributor on the farm, babysitting awesomesauce like Tomas Tatar.

***

The Curious Case of Mike Modano

Let me preface all of this by saying that I adore Mike Modano, and always have. I grew up playing in arenas that has his name on banners -- and that are now named after him -- so my objectivity may be a tiny bit skewed. He isn't the player he once was -- but the Stars aren't the team they once were, either. I understand that it'll be tricky to shove a guy like Modano into the already-packed lineup, and that he would have to come at or around 1M (which he is in no way obligated to take). Toss in the fact that his wife (Mrs. Willa Ford Modano Ford Terwilliger Ford) prefers the Left Coast to be close to Hollywood for modeling and acting and whatever other nonsense she embarks upon.

All of that said, there are three different scenarios under which we may be kicking ourselves in September saying, "hey wouldn't it have been great to have signed Mike Modano?" In addition, you don't have to be under the salary cap until the final day of training camp -- going over by as much as 10% in the meantime -- so what's the rush? Any of the following situations are feasible and may be worth going over by a few bucks.

Exhibit A: Mattias Ritola

There had been some discussion as to whether Ritola is ready for the big leagues -- even in a 13th/14th forward capacity. Personally, I like what I've seen from him in the short bursts of action he's gotten in the NHL, so I daresay he'll most likely be the guy. The Wings won't want to risk waiving him (hi, Kyle Quincey!) and sending him down, so it's very likely he's a member of the Detroit Red Wings when training camp closes.

But let's pretend for a minute that Ritola isn't one of the 14 best forwards... the Wings will have to make a decision, and a trade or waiving are options. All of a sudden, the corps aren't so crowded. Again, I don't see this as an option considering the time and effort they've put into developing him as a player since his draft, but it's worth noting as a possibility.

Exhibit B: Injuries

Each September since the beginning of time, a player has sustained an injury during training camp that necessitates a move to IR. Last year, the Wings began the season with two players on Long-Term Injured Reserve: Andreas Lilja (who got his ass kicked by Shea Weber, resulting in a brainfart that caused him to hire Todd Diamond as his agent) and Darren Helm (who fell awkwardly into the boards, injuring his shoulder).

If this were to happen again, wouldn't you rather have Mike Modano than Chris Minard as a failsafe? The only wrong answer is "no." I certainly don't want to tempt the Hockey Gods, but just because you clench your eyes shut, jam your fingers in your ears, and do the LALALALALA thing doesn't mean it isn't something you shouldn't be prepared for.

Exhibit C: Don't Hurt Me

It pains me to say, but it's definitely possible that not all of the restricted free agents are retained. I'm aware that all four forwards are interested in returning and that the Wings are interested in having them. Justin Abdelkader and Darren Helm are automatic -- they have that lifer feel about them. But Patrick Eaves and Drew Miller are of a different breed. Stick with me for a minute.

Drew Miller seems to have found a home in Detroit. He's certainly happier in Motown than he has been anywhere else in his career -- easily surpassing his career totals without playing a full season with the Red Wings. I can't imagine he'd complain about nickels and dimes if it means staying somewhere that makes him happy. However, he's arbitration eligible, and although Ken Holland is a master at avoiding hearings, if it makes it that far, it's not unreasonable to think that he could get priced out of the range the Wings have in mind for the RFAs. Doubtful, but possible.

The sticky wicket, in my opinion, is Patrick Eaves. Eaves was due to make $1.7M this past season before being bought out and hitting the market. Detroit (wisely) scooped him up and signed him to a league minimum $500,000, one-year deal. I always got the feeling that it was a "I have something to prove" signing on Eaves' part, and it remains to be seen if he'll take a deal in the neighborhood of this last deal (which, by the way, was supplemented by buyout payments) or if he is interested in getting closer to the deal Carolina offered him. Eaves, too, has arbitration rights and if he has some face-time with an arbiter, his 12 goals, 22 points, and all around fearlessness might translate into a few more dollars than the Wings might wish.

When all is said and done...

If Detroit goes with only 7 defensemen (as opposed to the 8 they've carried the last few seasons), they'll have room for 14 forwards. If all of the RFAs are re-signed, and Kirk Maltby is not, the forward are as follows:

Henrik Zetterberg :: Pavel Datsyuk :: Tomas Holmstrom
Johan Franzen :: Valtteri Filppula :: Todd Bertuzzi
Jiri Hudler :: Justin Abdelkader (RFA) :: Dan Cleary
Kris Draper :: Darren Helm (RFA) :: Patrick Eaves (RFA)
extra: Mattias Ritola :: Drew Miller (RFA)

Subtract one of those guys for any of the above reasons, and you've got a spot (and maybe even a need) for Mike Modano.

Photo Credit: C. Caskey, UPI

LeBron to the Thrashers (e5)

2010-07-01T06:36:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Free Agent Day 2010, where you can enjoy a friendly conversation while watching members of the 2002 All-Star Team get picked up by new squads (that aren't the Red Wings).

Join us as the fun starts at 11:30am - with Ilya Kovalchuk signing in Los Angeles at 12:01.

<a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php/option=com_mobile/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=e7940c34c3" >TPL Free Agent Day!</a>

Diamond Talk, Ep1

2010-06-30T12:59:00.004-04:00

Dateline: Tampa Bay, Florida, July 1, 2010

The pleather-covered door swings open with such force the shaky old hinges almost rip off the wall. Into the dimly lit, smoke filled room steps one Todd Diamond. He's wearing uncomfortably tight bell-bottomed light blue pants, unpolished black shoes and a half buttoned shirt that looks like it was patterned after wallpaper in the men's. Though you can barely see through the exhaling cigarettes, he's still wearing sunglasses. They're black-rimmed with an orange tint to the lens...the kind you find when you're looking or Blue Blockers and are forced to go with the Rite Aid knockoff on the shelf next to the rubbers. The place is packed. Nobody bothers to look up at the new entrant except for a few lonely hearts sipping Chivas at the end of the room.

"Diamond in the rough...I've got a...Diamond in the rough...looking for a lucky gent to take this diamond off my hands..." He keeps mumbling the phrase to himself as he walks, pelvis first, to a table full of well dressed executives and asks if the fourth seat is taken. Reluctantly, they agree to let him sit down.

Before he says anything to the group he leans back and squeezes the ass of the nearest waitress. She's 40 and past her prime - the kind of girl you'd see during the afternoon shift at the YMCA attempting to regain her better form. She turns around and glares at Diamond.

"I'll have some turtle soup...and make it snappy. WAIT...WAIT....don't run away...OK...I should have known this was no time for jokes. Make it a sugar free mohito."

Estelle still hasn't said a single word. She just looks at him with a combination of despise and pity that Ernie behind the bar has seen a million times before. Guys like Diamond are a dime a dozen in Tampa and they've been snail trailin' through that door since the Carter administration.

Diamond turns back to the table and eyes the gentlemen. They've been sitting there for an hour and everyone knows they're out of place. The younger of the three squares up to Diamond. It's Steve Yzerman.

"What the hell are we doing in this place, Diamond? Holland told me to steer clear of your lying, worthless ass. I can't believe we're negotiating a player contract in this shithole."

"You don't like this joint? Come here all the time."

"I'll make this quick. I'm not in here on a personal call. I'm here to talk about Lilja. I'll give you 10% more than he had last year in Detroit on a 3-year term. We can get him on the ice about 15 minutes a night. I'm not thrilled about having to go this direction, but right now I need a familiar face back there and I'm banking that he picked up at least some serviceable skills having suited up next to Lidstrom the past few years."

"Wowa...wowa...baby, why are you so business-business? Diamond doesn't like to just jam it in there. Let's romance this a bit."

"I'm not here to talk personal you asshat. I want to pen the blueliner and get the hell out of here."

Diamond pauses, glancing over at the two 33 year old girls barside with the wavy hair and orange skin. One of them is looking his way and laughing. He's concerned they figured out he stuffed his pants with a sock to give his unit a better profile in the pantalones. He leans back in his chair, takes a long drag on a skinny menthol. He turns back to the stoic Yzerman.

"Back in Detroit, we were on your turf, Stevie baby. Down here in Tampa...this is Diamond country. We do things a little different around these parts. If you want to deal Diamonds with the Diamond dealer, I suggest you take a deep breath, loosen the tie and settle in. This could take a while..."

(to be continued)

Wow, Lilja's agent kinda sounds like a wanker

2010-06-30T00:16:00.001-04:00

"I'll be damned... long pants."

Would you trust someone named Todd Diamond?

The answer is no, of course you wouldn't because you're not a cartoon character living in the 40's. And you'd have several reasons to be skeptical of his every word - not that you'd hear most of his words while trying to follow the red card on 37th Street.

I'm not at all a fan of copying chunks of articles and interjecting my own thoughts in between, but there's some magic to be made, so sit tight for a minute. Late Tuesday, Ansar Khan reports that it's unlikely Andreas Lilja will be re-signed by the Red Wings. Not really Earth-shattering news, since we all half-expected it. It's the details that contain a bevy of gems, unearthed under the Sea of Reject:

"Detroit hasn't made any effort to sign him or talk to us," Diamond said. "If they want to go in another direction, it's their prerogative. There are plenty of other teams."

Strong words. I was surprised to read such a thing -- that's a Maple Leafs thing to do, not a Red Wings thing to do. Oh, but wait a second.

"I made them an offer a month ago, and haven't heard back from them."

Kenny Holland says "say what, Diamond, you lying slut?" Diamond then launches into what we like to call a compliment sandwhich:

"He enjoyed his time (in Detroit)," Diamond said. "It was a great situation. He had plenty of friends on the team. The organization treated him well, especially when he had the concussion. They gave him all the time he needed. It's a first-class organization. That's why it doesn't bother me they didn't call."

Boom. Nice thing to say...nice thing to say...nice thing to say...nice thing to say...nice thing to say... TOTAL FRAKKING, JAILSEXING LIE. Call me cynical, but I tend to believe Mr. Holland in this, as opposed to some Darryl. The madness continues:

"He's looking for more than eight minutes a game," Diamond said. "He knows his role. He doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't. He'd prefer to play 12 to 15 minutes a night."

This line is followed immediately by...

Lilja averaged 14:08 in 20 games this past season.

Nothing but net. So congratulations, Todd Diamond, you seem like someone I'd like very much to kick in the shins. And presumably you're related to Screech, which is an automatic disqualification from life. I've grown to like Andreas Lilja, but if these are the characters he's surrounding himself with, I wish him the best of luck logging 12 to 15 minutes in Atlanta, where he'll back into the obscurity he enjoyed with Los Angeles and Florida.

FreeAgentBots, Roll Out!

2010-06-29T11:22:00.003-04:00

It's Free Agent Season!

LIVE CHATS ARE OUR THING...
Join us on Thursday, Free Agent Day (or "Canada Day" for those of you "north" of the border), as we'll be hosting a Live Chat during the festivities. Much like the Trade Deadline and Draft Day, where much fun was had, we'll have a CoverItLive open, co-hosted by Motown Wings/TOV's Chris Hollis and we're working on having another fantastic contributor around... more on that later.

RESTRICTED FREE AGENTS QUALIFIED -- AND NOT -- AND PROBABLY NOT.
According to MLive beat writer/Star Trek villain/mustache connoisseur Ansar Khan, the Red Wings have formally extended qualifying offers to nine of their restricted free agents. In short, a restricted free agent is one whose rights remain property of their original team -- even if another team gets them to sign on the dotted line on July 1st (known as an "offer sheet"). The original team is entitled to match the offer, or accept compensation in the form of draft picks. The nine players qualified (and therefore, have their rights maintained) are:
:: Justin Abdelkader
:: Patrick Eaves
:: Darren Helm
:: Derek Meech
:: Drew Miller
:: Daniel Larsson (who will play in Sweden this season)
:: Ole-Kristian Tollefsen (who will also play in Sweden)
:: Sergei Kolosov (who will most likely be back in Grand Rapids)
:: Jamie Tardiff (the Griffins captain)

On the other side of restricted free agency is neglecting to qualify a player (qualifying offers, by the way, are a 10% raise on their last deal's salary). In essence, those players become unrestricted free agents on July 1st and are open season for other teams, with the Red Wings receiving nothing by way of compensation:
:: Evan McGrath (who has been with the team since the '04 Draft)
:: Johan Ryno (who nearly made the team two seasons ago but couldn't hack it in the AHL)

The Wings do have three additional restricted free agents that are not named in the Khan piece, so you have to wonder what their status is for the upcoming season. Jeremy Williams, Riley Armstrong, and Ryan Oulahen were with the Griffins this past season, but it appears they've been made unrestricted free agents, unless there's something I'm missing.

THE UNRESTRICTED FREE AGENTS
In addition to the five players listed above who were not qualified, the Red Wings have five remaining unrestricted free agents, some of whom may be courted as soon as the free agency season opens at noon on Thursday.
:: Jason Williams (who has already been told he won't be back)
:: Brad May (who may be leaning toward retirement)
:: Brett Lebda (who was shut down by the KHL, say what)
:: Kirk Maltby
:: Andreas Lilja

Of those five, it's clear Andreas Lilja is the most valuable commodity. For as much as I love Kirk Maltby, he would have to endure nights in the press box assuming all of the RFAs are returning, and given his age, he has become what some would consider expendable. He's got hockey left in him and the intangibles are inarguable -- so if he signs somewhere else, I wish him nothing but the best.

Lilja, though, would prefer a raise (instead of the paycut the Wings are likely to offer him, thanks Todd Bertuzzi) and an increased role, building on his defacto 5th/6th defenseman thing he's got going on in Motown. One could argue that he's not built for a top four role (read: slow as shit), but there's no question he stabilized the third pairing in Detroit, babysitting the 6'5" shitbox who wears #52.

THE 2010-11 RED WINGS
At this very moment, there are 18 players under contract -- including Mattias Ritola, but excluding Doug Janik -- that are likely going to be on the big squad next season. Uncle Mike has even started throwing around line combinations. Word? Word.

Henrik Zetterberg -- Pavel Datsyuk -- Tomas Holmstrom

Todd Bertuzzi -- Valtteri Filppula -- Johan Franzen

Jiri Hudler -- Justin Abdelkader (RFA) -- Dan Cleary

Patrick Eaves (RFA) -- Darren Helm (RFA) -- Kris Draper

[Mattias Ritola -- Drew Miller (RFA)]

Nicklas Lidstrom -- Brian Rafalski

Niklas Kronwall -- Brad Stuart

Jakub Kindl -- Jonathan Ericsson

[Doug Janik (two-way) -- Derek Meech (RFA)]

Jimmy Howard

Chris Osgood

By my count, the Wings have $54,142,045 dedicated to salary (again, assuming Doug Janik isn't on the squad) to those 18, leaving $5,257,955 to sign the five remaining restricted free agents (which averages to a salary around $1,050,000)

But wait, there's more!

Teams can exceed the salary cap by 10% until the final day of training camp, so signing guys like Derek Meech -- who may be traded before the start of the regular season -- isn't cap suicide. So stay tuned for moves like that.

Notes from Day 1 of the NHL Draft

2010-06-26T07:00:00.000-04:00

Before going any further, please head over to Winging it in Motown and read my post about interviewing Riley Sheahan. Again, I'd like to thank Casey Richey and SB Nation for making it possible for me to be there. It was a lot of work, but a lot of fun -- and being able to Tweet the picks to you as they happened, and live chat the event, was one of the highlights of my year. I was very impressed with the newest Red Wing -- he seems like a mature, down-to-earth kid and I'm looking forward to keeping tabs on him in the coming years.

A FEW THINGS I LEARNED AT THE 2010 NHL DRAFT
Mock drafts are whack. If you created a computer program that randomized all the possible permutations of how the first round would unfold, it'd take about six years for it to come up with what transpired on Friday. Cam Fowler dropping nine slots; Brandon Gormley, Nick Bjugstad, Brock Nelson, and Mark Pysyk dropping 5-10 slots; Jaden Schwartz and Dylan McIlrath launching themselves up 15-20 picks; Joey Hishon, Kevin Hayes, Mark Visentin, and Charlie Coyle...ya know...being there.

Homeboy from Entourage is about 4 foot 3 up close.

There was a startling lack of trades on Draft Day, much of them pick-swapping. The only names that changed addresses from the draft floor were Keith Ballard (Florida to Vancouver), Steve Bernier & Michael Grabner (going the other way), and Dan Hamhuis (Philadelphia to Pittsburgh).

I heard a rumor early in the day that an announcement was going to be made that Jonathan Quick had been traded to Philadelphia. That announcement never came, and now there are rumblings that Evgeni Nabokov's free agency rights may end up in Philadelphia.

There was also talk that Detroit would move back in the draft -- much like they did last year. A quote I grabbed from Jim Nill ("there were four or five guys we liked") seemed to indicate that if they could scoot down a few slots and get one of those guys, opening the door for a "bonus draft pick" -- like the one they used last year to select Andrej Nestrasil (the used their own second round pick on Tomas Tatar). It wasn't in the cards, and -- to hear Nill tell it -- they wanted Sheahan bad enough to stand pat.

When the Kings traded up to get into the 15th pick, the crowd went apeshit. Everyone and their brother thought they were making the move to draft local boy Emerson Etem, which would have caused the Staples Center to collapse under the noise and vibration that would have been created by the rapid Kings fans. It wasn't to be, and the Kings took Derek Forbort, a defenseman that had been sliding.

Frankly, Emerson Etem went right about where he should have. Not that I wouldn't have loved him in red and white (because, backstage, he was a really friendly kid and seemed like his head is screwed on straight), but it would have been a slight reach in my opinion.

Phoenix, one of the two teams that was highest on goaltender Jack Campbell, traded up to take a goalie -- but it wasn't the next-highest rated Calvin Pickard. They took Mark Visentin instead and it's a curious pick. Like Fowler, you have to wonder if the teams know something the rest of us don't (I mean, obviously they do, but I mean specifics that aren't public knowledge) about Pickard.

Sad story about suprise first round pick Jaden Schwartz: he's allowed to treat hockey as secondary while his sister Mandi battles leukemia and desperately searches for a bone marrow donor.

New Nashville Predator Austin Watson is the oldest of nine (soon to be ten) siblings. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the newest Hurricane Jeffrey Skinner is the fifth of six siblings.

Bloodlines:
:: Nick Bjugstad (Florida Panthers, 19)'s uncle Scott played nine years in the NHL with the Minnesota North Stars, Pittsburgh Penguins, and LA Kings.
:: Jarred Tinordi (Montreal Canadiens, 22) is the son of former North Star, Capital, and Ranger Mark Tinordi.
:: Kevin Hayes (Chicago Blackhawks, 24) is the younger brother of Jimmy Hayes, who was a second round pick of the Maple Leafs in '08. He's also second cousins of Tom Fitzgerald and Keith Tkachuk.
:: Charlie Coyle (San Jose Sharks, 28) is Tony Amonte's cousin.
:: Brock Nelson (Chicago Blackhawks, 30) is hockey royalty. His uncle, Dave Christian, was a member of the Miracle on Ice squad. His grandfather, Billy Christian, and great uncle, Roger Christian, played on the "forgotten miracle" squad of 1960. Another great uncle, Gordon Christian, won a Silver Medal in 1956.

Best available for Day 2 of the Draft:

1. John McFarland -- the one-time projected top pick in this draft.

2. Jon Merrill -- the massive, Michigan-born and Wolverine-bound defenseman.

3. Kiril Kabanov -- the enigmatic, attitude-laden super talent.

4. Tyler Pitlick -- best name nominee of the future.

5. Stanislav Galiev -- Russian playing in the Q and is the 2nd rated Q prospect.

6. Calvin Picard -- second hickest sounding goalie name behind brother Chet.

7. Brock Beukeboom -- Jeff's son.

8. Ludvig Rensfeldt -- top rated Swede.

9. Alexander Petrovic -- another Russian player playing Canadian Juniors.

10. Tyler Toffoli -- might be related to me in some sort of twisted Italian way.

I'll be at Day 2 of the NHL Draft today until I've got to run to the airport and head back to New York, so stay tuned for more Red Wings news!

Photo Credit: Harry How, Getty Images

2010 NHL Draft Live Chat

2010-06-25T15:00:00.000-04:00

What's up, jailsexed masses?! Join us for a Live Chat during the NHL Draft. Michael Petrella is in L.A., on the floor at the Staples Center, ready to bring you up-to-the-second dirt, trades, and selections -- so stick around, grab a beer, and try not to piss off the neighbors.

The Live Chat will start at 6:45pm Eastern Time (which - if my math is correct - is like November on the West Coast).

<a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php/option=com_mobile/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=70d6b507e3" >2010 NHL Draft LiveChat</a>

...and here we go

2010-06-25T09:14:00.001-04:00

Good morning, world!

The Draft -- she is upon us. Later today, I'll be joining the likes of Bob McKenzie and Pierre McDoucheCanoe (who I nearly ran over on the sidewalk on Thursday -- but he was with Mrs. DoucheCanoe and his son and daughter, presumably named Mini DoucheCanoe and Minnie DoucheCanoe).

Make sure you swing by around 6:45pm Eastern Time -- we'll be launching a LiveChat right here (also accessible from Winging it in Motown) and I'll do my best to deliver timely trades and draft picks as they happen or as I overhear them while hanging over the railing with a cup to my ear near the Maple Leafs table.

Big thanks to Casey for setting the credentialing in motion -- and to SB Nation for sponsoring me. I'm beyond psyched to be here (even if the NHL Draft venue was competing with the TWILIGHT PREMIERE on Thursday night: picture 10,000 screaming fourteen year old girls... now picture WISHING that's all you were dealing with).

In the few hours I was coherent in Los Angeles (after a 7:30am flight from New York), I rubbed elbows with Pierre LeBrun, Rob Simpson, Willie O'Ree, and various other NHL media folks. And please note that by "rubbing elbows" I mean "was in the same room with during the Media Reception."

On deck for Friday:

11:30am Pacific -- Media Lunch. Presumably the same crowd as the Reception, and I'll try real hard not to be as nice to Pierre this time.

11:31am -- Goddamnit, Pierre.

12:46pm -- Brian Burke accuses me of tampering when I suggest it'd be great if someone ended this goddamn Tomas Kaberle talk.

2:00pm-ish -- I'll head over to Staples Center and set up. Apparently we have assigned seating, so here's hoping our spot isn't near the urinal.

2:01pm -- Discover the free food available to media.

3:58pm -- Return to my seat.

4:00pm -- The Edmonton Oilers will select Taylor Hall with the first selection in the 2010 NHL Draft, making it the 400th year in a row the teams and the media have played this "ohhhhh we don't know because there's this other guy who's real good, too" game even though it's CLEAR no one ever had any intention of taking Tyler Seguin/Matt Duchene/Drew Doughty/Kyle Turris over Taylor Hall/John Tavares/Steven Stamkos/Patrick Kane.

4:01pm -- The Boston Bruins make a deal with Toronto for Tim Thomas, but have to give up the Leafs' original 2nd overall pick to make the deal happen. Toronto still fucks the pick up, taking Robert Pattinson from the aforementioned Twilight premiere.

4:44pm -- I do my damndest to trade Todd Bertuzzi to whoever's sitting next to me for some (free) animal crackers. Animal crackers invoke NTC.

September 4th -- The Wings finally make their selection, 21st overall. I've researched about 40 players (like usual), so there's a very good chance I'll know a tiny bit about the newest Red Wing at #21 -- unless they go completely off the board (or trade way down). I'd recommend you check out Babcock's Death Stare for a much more complete rundown of guys whose names could be called by Jim Nill & Co. but -- gut feeling -- I bet one of the following ten guys are your newest Red Wing:

:: Jon Merrill, D, USNTDP
:: Mark Pysyk, D, Edmonton Oil Kings
:: Riley Sheahan, C, Notre Dame
:: Austin Watson, RW, Peterborough Petes
:: Brock Nelson, C, Warroad (MN) High School
:: Tyler Pitlick, C, Minnesota State
:: Emerson Etem, C, Medicine Hat Tigers
:: Vladimir Tarasenko, RW, Novobirsk
:: Dylan McIlrath, D, Moose Jaw Warriors
:: Kiril Kabanov, C, No One Because He's An Asshole Apparently

Retrospectacus III (and a half): From Business to Pleasure

2010-06-24T08:40:00.001-04:00

Just to be clear, we don't censor any of these posts. Anyone we felt comfortable with offering this opportunity to, we felt comfortable posting their words. We don't necessarily agree with any of their stances or views -- we merely provided the vessel through which to make their voices heard. Conversation is -- like always -- encouraged, but the views expressed are those of the author, and not of The Production Line.

In a bit of "to be continued" kind of fashion, we offer JJ's second half of his guest post.

-----------

There's a lot of talk out there right now about how the NHL is a business and business is good. All the numbers are on a positive swing and the future is looking so bright, Gary Bettman has to stand in the shade (fortunately, he's small enough to fit into anybody's shadow).

As a fan of business, as I am, I give this news a heart whoop-de-fucking-doo. I'll get out the streamers and noisemakers and Bartles & James later, but first let me tell you why I hate that news.

I'm a hockey fan.

Can anybody please explain to me why I would want hockey to be twice as popular as it is right now? Would that make the Red Wings a better team? Would my viewing experience significantly improve? Would it make the on-ice product any better?

No.

Hockey, as a business, is not an issue of supply and demand, it's an issue of price and demand. I spend $160 per year for a subscription to NHL Center Ice, which gives me every single hockey game over the course of a season (and quite a few baseball games, since those channels share space with MLB Extra Innings). Well, the supply of hockey never goes down, but the price still goes up when the demand does. In America, the holy grail of sports is the NFL, where you're looking at $250 if you want to see every game. I like hockey, but I like having 90 more dollars at the end of the year, too.

Second, new fans = bandwagon fans. Listen, there's always a lot of talk about bandwagoners and how they're annoying. This is because bandwagoners are fucking annoying. Don't get me wrong, I've brought my brother-in-law into the fold of Red Wings fandom and I got a lot of enjoyment out of that. This is because I love my brother-in-law. But, chances are I probably hate yours and would rather bean him with a beer bottle than explain icing to him. The Wings getting a shitload more fans wouldn't mean I'd have a shitload more friends with whom to share the enjoyment, it means I'd have a shitload more embarrassing dickweeds hanging around. If you're like me and believe that 80% of the population is dumb, then it stands to reason that 80% of hockey fans are also dumb and that only 2 out of 10 new fans won't be blathering idiots. I'm glad I have a lot of sites where I don't have to read somebody saying things like "LOL IMHO trade Franzen and Zetterberg for Malkin" just because there are people out there who believe their idea must be extra-special and clever because nobody else brought it up (hint: nobody else brought it up because it's a stupid idea and they don't want to look stupid).

If you think coverage of the game will drastically improve the more popular it becomes, you are simply wrong about that. How many football or baseball announcers can you even stand?

But hey, maybe the game will get better. If enough people see the horrible supplemental discipline policies or reffing standards, maybe there will be enough pressure on the league to change. Yes, that's very possible. Another solution is to replace the people responsible for the terrible supplementary discipline policies and the stupid reffing standards with people who are competent at their jobs. Have you ever had a restaurant that you loved to go to because it was kind of your little secret? You loved their spicy jambalaya and were on a first-name basis with the wait staff there to the point where you didn't even need a menu when you came in? Well, imagine what happens when that place gets popular in town. Suddenly, they have to bring in new and inexperienced servers who don't know your name or how many ice cubes you like in your drink. Suddenly, the spicy jambalaya is milder than Danny Tanner on tranquilizers because all the new bland assholes who showed up that shouldn't be ordering spicy food in the first place complained that the dish was too hot for their delicate mouths. Suddenly, the nice, quiet atmosphere you shared with your friends is a bustling mess where you have to scream to be heard and wait 40 minutes for a table to open up (you can flat out forget about your favorite table, you'll take what they give you, damnit). Yeah, you're kinda happy that the guy who owns the restaurant is now financially better off, but you wish you could go back to the way it was.

Hockey is my favorite little secret and I'd rather deal with Sportscenter anchors using the tired "haw....key?" line where they fake ignorance than deal with the real ignorance of thousands more people calling for them to make my jambalaya more bland so they can stomach it.

Retrospectacus III: Parity Up in Here!

2010-06-22T10:39:00.000-04:00

For the third installment, we received a hell of a well-thought out post from a man we've never met -- but feel is an honorary member of our troop. If you've been around TPL since the beginning, you know how much we love J.J. -- so without further ado:

-----------

A great man once told me "Ya'll bout to make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here." That great man went on to get arrested for impersonating a federal officer and...oh shit, I'm off track already. I'm sorry, it's just that this topic is kind of dry and trying to wrap my head around it has been a test of sanity (but more a "running down main street naked with an ear of corn stuck in my ass" crazy than "old rapper releasing song after song which is the equivalent of telling young rappers to get off his lawn" like DMX crazy.)

Ya damn whippersnappers!

Sara set the bar high a few days ago when she posted her thoughts on the league as a business and how much business decisions impact the sport. As a companion to that, I've been trying to learn the Collective Bargaining Agreement and what exactly it means to everybody involved. Not surprisingly, my findings pretty closely mirror what we all already know and the scope leaves big questions as to whether the framers of the current CBA are hopeful yet careful bastards or devious and cunning evil geniuses.

Invisible nun-grope

You see, Gary doesn't actually want parity, at least not in the way we've said all along. Sara hinted at this in her post, but I think it bears saying in plain English. The Commish only wants parity among the teams with the largest fanbases. Gary wants the large markets competing year in and year out for the Cup; he doesn't want a level playing field where teams like Carolina or Nashville have the same power to compete as Chicago or Los Angeles. So, how do you set it up to give a small, but important advantage to large market teams while getting the smaller guys to sign on? Well, you create a salary-capped system where revenue sharing brings the promise of everybody rolling in dough, but actually serves to create a system of two salary caps.

Still with me? Good. Everybody knows that there's a maximum cap on spending, so when a team like Atlanta doesn't nearly approach that, it must be their own damn fault for not having the commitment to spend enough to ice a winning squad. Those jerks are ruining the competitive spirit of our sport! Well, yeah, in a way they kind of are doing that, but I think you'd find it pretty convincing for the sole purpose of the integrity of the game.

INTEGRITY!

The biggest myth going is that the CBA and salary cap is designed to keep teams from spending more than 57% of their revenues on players. It's a small, but important distinction to point out that the reality is that it's designed to keep the LEAGUE from spending more than 57% of their revenues on players. An individual small market team is more than welcome to bankrupt themselves spending on talent, but has very strong reasons to spend less (and therefore compete less).

Taking a quick detour here (sorry, I promise I'll jailsex you with some exciting numbers and percentages in a bit where I explain the dual-cap), but there's a counter here that I want to nip in the bud (the best of all possible places for nipping, except at a wet t-shirt contest). The argument is that you can't tie payroll to success. Teams have tried that and it doesn't work. My point is that the cap has created a very tight range for players' and GMs' choices are how to play around with the combinations, rather than how to get the best guys to come play for you. Before the cap, nobody had any idea what a top-level defenseman is worth. Now, everybody knows that $7.5M should land you a Norris Candidate (insert Brian Campbell schadenfreude joke here). Known talent is at a known salary plateau and therefore you have to spend near the cap for a better chance at winning. Sure, there are still overpaid guys, but the formula is the same for success throughout the league. You have to pay relatively big money for your core, about half that for 2nd-tier guys and get good performance out of criminally underpaid players who later move onto the 2nd-tier level pay.

and tell their national team's leadership to fornicate themselves

Here's where it gets goofy; the way the cap is set. You'd figure that if the league wants players' salaries to be no more than 57% of revenues, then they'd set the cap at what they figured 57% of their revenues would be. Well, my friend, you fail tricky math. Instead, they set the cap $8 million over what they figure the league average revenue for a team will be and call the assumed revenue limit the salary midpoint. Detroit's cap is $56.7 million because they figure the average club will only be able to spend $48.7 million on talent. This gives the Wings some leeway to approach spending up to their 57%. This seems pretty reasonable, and it is, until you look at what that means for a team that's on the lower end of what the average assumed revenue will be and what revenue sharing gives them incentive to spend.

A team on the lower end of the earnings scale (provided they're not in a large market like L.A., Chicago, or Anaheim) can qualify for revenue sharing which will cover their salary spending, but not their earnings defecit, up to the midpoint, which is still one Norris Trophy candidate defenseman under the cap (or three 2nd-tier players, an entire line). After they're revenue-shared to the midpoint, the rest of the league sharing is split among all the teams. The dollars go to the teams whether they spent the money or not, so there's not proper incentive to actually spend it. The only way a small-market team can spend to the cap and still make profit is if the league has an insanely high-earning year where the early share gets them to the midpoint and the league share makes up the rest of the difference. Of course, this would mean that the cap would also go up an insane amount the next year and put that team right back where they started relative to the rest of the league. Of course, there's also a part of the CBA where 50% of every dollar that the league makes over $300 million goes into the revenue sharing pool (as a note, the league has not once made this threshold... they need a large and lucrative national television contract to make this possible... big television markets demand large and and lucrative television contracts).

It's OK, we got a 10 share in Raleigh-Durham, we can afford it!

On top of that, if the league makes less money than expected, the big-market teams catch a break. They've spent over 57% of the league average, but not necessarily over 57% of their own profits, but they're not the ones who foot the bill for revenue sharing that the smaller teams demand. In rare cases like that (you know, like last year), the players' escrow covers most of that. Yes, you read that right, the players are the ones who prop up small-market struggling teams. On a long enough timeline of this, the players get tired of footing the bill, the small-market owners get tired of not making profits, and the league is maybe forced to relocate to a market that makes sense, just to appease all of the whiners who aren't rolling in more dough than the Pilsbury spokesman during an orgy. The league can slyly force these bottom-feeders and profit anchors into relocation and it won't be the league's fault, it will be their own for not having the desire to field a winning team (despite that they can't realistically afford one) for long enough to drive off their fanbase. This is basically the line that Nashville Predators ownership toes. If you moved that same franchise to Los Angeles or Anaheim, I guarantee you that with management and coaching in place there, that team would have a cup by now and I'd be happier for them than I am for th shitsacks in Chicago.

"But Nashville would possibly stand to increase their market share and make enough profits to actually spend tot he cap if they had playoff success, so they should spend to the cap" you say? Well, that's a long sentence and oddly fits perfectly Mr. Straw Man, and you might be right. It's possible that Nashville with some long playoff runs would make a ton of money AND not need to rely on big club handouts, but why the hell should they? Thanks to the big clubs (Detroit being one of them) who wanted to make it so they didn't have to rely on long playoff runs for financial success, playoff games are worth less to a club than they used to be. A big part of what goes into the revenue sharing pot is taken from a tax on all playoff tickets sold. Large-earning clubs pay 50%, middle clubs pay 40%, and small clubs pay 30% into the revenue-sharing pool. So, the Preds now keep only 70% of the money from long playoff runs that they otherwise would have and would disqualify themselves from a portion of their revenue-sharing dollars. For that to work, they have to cap their overhead, which is exactly what they do.

Oh, I see!

This whole system in place gives the big market guys the means to buy what is now generally known quantities of talent in ways that their smaller competitors can't. Random fluctuations among players, bad coaching, management decisions, and the generally unpredictable nature of sports creates for some unique results, but on the average, it means that parity will exist where the league wants it to and will not bother the large clubs where the league doesn't want it to. The salary cap creates smaller salaries and salary ranges for a wide range of skills, while the escrow makes the players a de facto insurance policy against falling league profits. My favorite part of the revenue sharing wording is that, in trying to create a system significantly different from MLB's system where a team can intentionally tank and still remain profitable, they've enacted rules that take away dollars from small-market teams who don't outpace the NHL average for revenue growth (which must be really easy to do as the bandwagon of the 3rd largest city in America fills up) or who can't sell enough seats in their arena. Unfortunately, in punishing the ones who aren't trying, you're also unfairly punishing those who are trying but failing thanks to the unfair limitations you've set on them. They shouldn't even call it revenue sharing, they should call it No Team Left Behind.

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To get a dose of J.J. from Kansas more often, following him on Twitter by following this link. Thursday, the second half of his manifesto will be up gracing TPL's pages.

Retrospectacus II: The Old Swede's Granddaughter

2010-06-18T08:58:00.001-04:00

Following Sara's excellent post last week, round number two was written by Andrea Hedlund, a lovely Wings fan we had the pleasure of meeting at H2H.

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With two minutes left in Game 5, I may or may not have been in the fetal position shaking, crying, clinging to a stuffed animal, and making ridiculous bargains to the hockey gods- like I'd never make fun of Lebda, Tuzzi, or Pookie again if a miracle could happen. Unfortunately, I was left jailsexed and alone on the floor. How in the hell did it ever get to this point?

Truth be told, I was an obliviously happy person back in October and early November. Here is my best kept secret secret: I wasn't a real Red Wings fan until this season. I had always enjoyed hockey and very loosely followed the Red Wings, but that's not being a fan. This year, though, with the powerful influence of my best friend (aka MauvaisGardien aka Leslie), that changed. It started with an epic roadtrip that included a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame and my first ever NHL/Red Wings game. As weird as it may sound, it wasn't the game or seeing all the Stanley Cups or the interactive games that turned me into a fan- it was a jersey. Sure, all of the previous things helped, but it was a jersey that made everything click. And, no, it wasn't even a Red Wings jersey. My die-hard love for hockey started the moment I saw the team Sweden jersey. You see, my great-grandparents on both sides of my family hail from Sweden and my grandfather even called himself 'the Old Swede.' That jersey made some connection deep inside of me and it's been downhill for me ever since.

When I got back to New York, I immediately bought ice skates and started learning how to skate and play hockey. I also started watching the Red Wings religiously. In between those activities, Leslie started teaching me Red Wings history. And dar God there A LOT of it to learn. By December, I was hooked. By February, I had experienced the ups, downs, frustrations, heartbreaks, and celebrations of a true fan. By April, having experienced Herm to Hockeytown, I started to understand what it meant to be a Red Wings fan.

And now, despite feeling like shit from being jailsexed and left alone on the floor, I am going to choose to focus on the positive. I feel lucky because I was ushered into following the best organization. I would never want to follow anyone else. Nowhere else do hockey fans have communes and tin foil hats (or tin foil flash mobs!). Nowhere else would fans fly another fan across the world to see a game. Nowhere else would fans pay to bail out fellow comrades from jail after they were so unjustly put there for participating in traditions that are older than most NHL franchises. Only when you're from Hockeytown.

I have survived my first season as a Red Wings fan. I don't know about you, but despite the ups and downs, I am pretty damn excited to do it all over again next season. Next year is full of new possibilities. We never would have made it this far if it weren't for Jimmy (Jimmah fucking RAAAAAAAAGH). Just imagine that kid next season and next playoffs. And think what our team can do if they have all season to build chemistry rather than fighting to stay alive after devastating injuries. Aside from that, I'm not even going to pretend to be an expect on the 2010-11 Red Wings... until Traverse City when I think we need to start a Red Wings Commune North... cap ou pas cap?

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Jump on Twitter and follow Andrea by clicking here.

Despite signing in June, Todd finds a way...

2010-06-17T10:46:00.000-04:00

Tuzz, seen here molesting an eventual-teammate

Gather 'round, boys and girls, it's story time.

It started on a Tuesday. This past Tuesday, as a matter of fact. We're just under eight weeks away from exchanging vows, and everything was on the up and up. We have quite a bit left to do, but the big, important things -- venues, food, guest lists, invitations, etc -- were all done. Tucked away into a neat little box. Plenty of little things left to accomplish -- Engelbert bowls, for one -- but we could rest easy knowing that, even if we didn't do anything else before August 7th, we'd have an awesome party on our hands.

And then, at 9pm Tuesday evening, the phone rang. We lost our caterer. Something about embezzlement and jailsex or something. Within 24 hours, Todd Bertuzzi had re-signed with the Red Wings for two years and a TWENTY NINE PERCENT RAISE!

An unfortunate coincidence? Nay.

Bertuzzi's agent/Satan's helper Pat Morris threw out a ridiculous number -- two years and $3.875M -- in hopes that negotiations could be stalled until seven Saturdays from now, when Todd's Operation: Fuck You Janov-Petrella Wedding could be executed. In a surprising turn of events, the recently re-signed Ken Holland and Jim Nill -- who have always had my back, they're my homeys -- wouldn't allow such things to transpire.

SOLD!

There's no other way to look at it, folks. Our fantastic general managers jumped on a mighty big (not to mention mighty slow, mighty wobbly, mighty gap-toothed) grenade for me and my bride. It's the true character of the Red Wings organization. How many weddings have Stan Bowman and Ray Shero saved from disaster?

Zero, that's how many.

Point is -- in order to make the deal happen this early, and to appease the Dark Lord (presumably), some facet of our wedding plans had to be destroyed. Holland and Nill are fantastic men, but gods they are not. Allegedly.

A cap hit of $1.9375M over the next two seasons. He'll earn $2.25M this season (150% of his salary from a year ago) before dropping into $1.625M for 2011-12 (still 8% higher than 09-10). In terms of numbers, dollars, and cents -- the cap hit might not be too far off if we can guarantee 15-19 goals (see what I did there, Andy?) and 40 points each of the next two seasons -- and the chemistry with Henrik Zetterberg and Valterri Filppula is undeniable. But that's like saying "whoa this sausage really goes well with bacon and eggs." Of course it does. But have you ever looked at sausage by itself? It's fucking disgusting.

GRIDDLECAKES SIGNS ON (aka, continuing the breakfast theme)
Valtteri Filppula's older brother has been signed to a one-year, two-way deal with the Red Wings. At first glace, this move seemed little more than depth signing for Grand Rapids -- and a potential call-up in a pinch -- but all of a sudden, with Todd Bertuzzi's contract sinking the ship that seemed so happily afloat, Ilari Filppula has a chance to wedge himself onto the big club.

I still think that's a long-shot, given his age and pro experience up to this point. Nevertheless, he'll be given a shot in training camp and if October rolls around with two Filppulas on the roster, prepare to be out-prettied. I'm looking at you, Todd.

HOLLAND AND NILL FTW!
As has been speculated for weeks now, both of our top-flight general managers, Ken Holland and Jim Nill, have been signed to long-term extensions to remain in their respective capacities. Five-year extensions, which kick in next season, guarantee that our men in charge will most likely last longer than Nick Lidstrom's contract after-all.

If either or both guys decide they've had enough hockey and hang up their clipboards, there's a guy in Tampa that might be available for the job. He's new, but I hear good things.

CAP MAGIC
Continuing the good news, Red Wings capologist Ryan Martin decided to stick around instead of joining good friend Steve Yzerman. First order of business: allow the Bertuzzi deal to happen. Bang up job, Ry.

All jokes aside, it's a great bit of news -- the Martin part -- and it should mean continued excellence in the cap-manipulating department.

Speaking of which, here's where we stand -- with all one-way players listed:

G :: Howard, Osgood [2,133,333]
D :: Lidstrom, Rafalski, Kronwall, Stuart, Ericsson, Kindl [20,683,333]
F :: Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Franzen, Filppula, Cleary, Hudler, Bertuzzi, Holmstrom, Draper, Ritola [32,175,378]

Total salary dedicated to 18 players is $54,142,044. The cap is expected to increase to somewhere in the $58M's, so the Wings have $3.8 - $4.6M to spend (depending on the actual cap number) on the following holes:

:: A sixth/seventh defenseman, depending on what role Jakub Kindl earns during training camp. Doug Janik can drop in -- as can Brendan Smith, but that's unlikely given the Red Wings desire to over-ripen prospects in the AHL. It seems all but official that Andreas Lilja is out, unless he takes a drastic pay-cut to remain a Red Wing. Good news, everyone! Derek Meech might be back because he never bitches, always takes an insanely low salary, and is a forward sub when needed. Expect whoever takes this slot to slide in around $750-$850k tops.

:: Three or four bottom half forwards. There are plenty of restricted free agents in need of new contracts, so it's safe to assume many of them will fill out the roster. Darren Helm (who is probably next in line for a deal), Justin Abdelkader, Patrick Eaves, and Drew Miller would make 14 forwards. It's just a matter of numbers now. After that seventh defenseman mentioned above, there will be about $3M -- maybe $4M -- to get all four under contract. Drew Miller may be the odd man out, and Patrick Eaves might not want to take a near-league minimum contract again.

If we use the numbers I predicted a few weeks ago, signing the fab four will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $3.1M. Here's hoping, because they all deserve deals and looked good in red and white.

Photo Credit: Jeff McIntosh, AP

Retrospectacus: A Voice from the Flash Mob

2010-06-11T08:58:00.001-04:00

Over the coming weeks, The Production Line will be publishing guest posts from our very favorite readers, commenters, and Tweeps -- those that don't have a blog to call their own, and might appreciate a place to vent, praise, bitch, or jailsex it up. We're proud to offer up this space to some good friends, great writers, and incredible hockey fans.

If you are interested in contributing a guest post, and match the description above, send us an e-mail and we'll get you the details. We did our best to track down nearly all of our commenters and Twitterfriends, but some of you were more difficult to find than Ville Leino in a Red Wings uniform (heyo).

Our first such post was written following the Blackhawks victory on Wednesday night. Our dear friend Sara may not have been the first article submitted, but it was timely and it was emotional and it seemed like a great jumping off point.

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It's the very early morning after the Chicago Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup, and all I can think about, besides the disgust at 20 cent and his Mullet (it deserves a capital M, by now, doesn't it?) is that I sadly, sadly saw this coming. Ages ago.

See, the NHL as much as it's a sport, is also a business and is being run as one. Money is the name of the game, not hockey. You have to put out good quality hockey, to make money, thus why they're committed to changing the game. And they're not above randomly monkeying around with it, if they think a rule change will bring in more viewers. New viewers.

The NHL panders to NBC, and to their own objectives. I didn't realize how much NBC had a say in what the NHL produces until Jeff Marek tweeted that NBC had a hand in picking out the Winter Classic teams. That tweet marked a very big step in my disillusionment.

In general, the NHL will want success of larger market American teams, teams that can bring in the most money. They will want L.A., NYC, and Chicago to do well. They will want larger market teams to succeed, however larger market teams who have loyal fanbases can be neglected, like Toronto, Montreal, Detroit & Vancouver. Unless, of course, those teams have superstars.

The NHL wants parity. They want superstars. They want rivalries.

First point, Gary craves parity. A blogger, back when I was Tin Foil Flash Mobbing, argued in the same post in which he maligned me, that dynasties make sports more marketable. I find that point open to interpretation, weak and not applicable to the NHL.

It takes a whopping one line of argument to refute his claim: if the NHL wanted dynasties, there would be no salary cap.

Second point, the NHL bases a lot of its marketing on superstars. They think that's the way to go. They wand Sid to be as recognizable as Kobe. They clearly allow marquee players to get away with things that ordinary players are suspended for, because they do not ever want to remove marquee players from the game. They, and their national television stations, mention the superstar players even when they're not playing.

And, of course, teams with superstars, even the Red Wings back in 2008, with Datsyuk and Zetterberg, have been favored by Gary. Kane & Toews. Sid & Geno. And Ovie. Oh, Ovechkin. His Cup is coming, kids, mark my words.

Third point, the NHL is selling rivalries. Sadly, they're not selling those that are naturally made, born of skill and proximity and pure old fashioned hatred. They're selling a spawned rivarly, artificially created in their own hype. They take their beloved superstars, and shove them down our throats. Why else did the NHL and NBC pick Washington and Pittsburgh for the next Winter Classic? Sidney Crosby vs. Alexander Ovechkin. It's clear, and bright as day. We're being fed a synthetic rivalry, wrapped in a laughable facade of a "Winter Classic." Winter, sure, it will be. But Classic? Please. Where's our Toronto/Montreal game?

The NHL wants these things, but we are very lucky, because the NHL is not infallible. Hockey IS a game. Outcomes can be steered and shaped, but they cannot be controlled. Each individual team is also struggling along, trying to win, because winning makes money.

As fans, we love hockey, a glorious sport that in it's purest form is honorable, classic, incredible and intense. But we are also NHL fans, and therefore we are business fans. We must remember that the game we are so passionate about is a product. We love the players, who grew up playing the pure, classic, incredible game, many of whom do it for skill, enjoyment and competition. But of course, we dislike those who sell out for money, and treat the game like what it is, a lucrative business.

So you can call me a conspiracy theorist and poke fun at my tin foil hat. You can laugh, and assume that the NHL has character and integrity in mind, when they make their decisions. You can scoff, and call me a whining Wings fan. My answer is only this: I fail to see why it's crazy to think a business is trying to execute a business plan.

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If you're interested in keeping up with Sara (and we know you are...and probably already do), follow her on Twitter by clicking here.

Disch's Favorite Defenseman Re-Signed

2010-06-10T11:22:00.000-04:00

Just like that, Doug... laughing and falling.

Straight from the "no fucking way" file, the Red Wings have re-signed Doug Janik to a two-year deal. The best part? The second year is one-way, meaning no matter where he plays -- Detroit or (much more likely) Grand Rapids -- he'll earn the same paycheck.

I have to believe that the second year (and it's one-way-ness) was the reason Janik signed back on. As much as he may love playing in Grand Rapids, I'm sure he'd rather have a shot at the NHL -- or at the very least, NHL dollars.

Ken Holland says that Janik will compete for a spot on the Wings during training camp -- perhaps he's the "cheap" depth defenseman we've been hearing about, replacing Derek Meech in the Leino Lounge night in and night out, but somehow I doubt it.

So, in celebration, the following is a list of things that are more likely than Doug Janik making the top six out of camp:

:: H2H2 is abandoned in favor of Pollacks to Pittsburgh.
:: Chris Pronger plays out his ridiculously long 35+ contract.
:: Your grandchildren will have heard of a team called "the Atlanta Thrashers."
:: The Chicago Blackhawks win the Cup again next year.
:: The Hurricanes start calling themselves The Whalers just to be cute.
:: The Canadiens celebrate their 100th anniversary for the third straight year.
:: Brian Burke stays quiet on Draft Day -- instead of offering me the Maple Leafs' top pick in 2013 for my half-eaten sandwich.
:: The Lions win the Super Bowl. Or just two games.
:: Dion Phaneuf makes some sort of "sloppy thirds" comment -- I dunno, something...
:: San Jose makes it out of the third round.
:: The Kings once again make a deal for the biggest name player in the game, and once again fail to do anything with him.
:: The Oilers are big-time free agency winners, with many, many big name, big money free agents signing on July 1st at 12:01pm.
:: The Predators organization begs fans to quit with the goddamn whistles because it's not indicative of the rich, classy history of hockey in the south.
:: BOTH New York teams make the post-season, settling the "Potvin sucks" debate once and for all.
:: Marian Hossa sticks it out with his wife/girlfriend because "I know a good thing when I have it in front of me."
:: John Vanbiesbrouck comes out of retirement to play goal -- once again for the Panthers -- to wash the unpleasant aftertaste of Roberto Luongo out of Miami fans' mouths.
:: Speaking of whom, Roberto Luongo does anything deserving of being called the best goaltender on the planet.
:: Avalanche fans learn the insanely difficult-to-embrace concept of "icing."
:: Minnesota abandons the trap and explodes for THREE goals in one game in February.
:: Phoenix ownership squabbles are settled and the arena's lease is called "more than fair" by all parties.

If you've got any to add, feel free to do so in the comments. Perhaps we've got another Shetuzzi post in the works...

FIFTY YEARS LATER...

2010-06-09T23:17:00.001-04:00

I'm going to do my best to take the high road, and avoid mentioning that -- for the first time since President Kennedy went back and to the left -- the Chicago Blackhawks have temporarily stepped out of the land of perpetual mediocrity to win the Stanley Cup by beating the seven seed from the Leastern Conference. It is their fourth in team history - tied for dead last among Original Six teams, and with the Red Wings since, ya know, 13 years ago.

Congratulations to a place I called home for five years, Scotty Bowman, and all nine Blackhawk fans. Enjoy the rush -- you've earned the celebration. This summer will be a nightmare for the roster, but for now -- it's all about never having to hear about Marian Goddamn Hossa ever again.

So ends the 2009-10 NHL season. It was a heartbreaker as a Red Wings fan -- particularly watching a division rival eventually take home the Cup.

Tomorrow: Off-Season. 99 days until training camp opens.

I don't want Drew Miller back...and other ramblings

2010-06-09T11:37:00.006-04:00

...because today feels like a loss, even if the Wings aren't playing.

It's Wednesday. It's raining. I'm overcaffeinated.

...and depressed. Hockey in June is usually a beautiful thing, but I've barely been able to turn on the tube. It has nothing to do with any of these shit-for-brains arguments about poor goaltending (not that I disagree, I'm just venting)...or that Dustin Buff-my-johnson can't manage any semblance of joy when he nets a PLAYOFF GOAL...or even that Christina Pronger is still playing in games that count. In the spirit of piling onto the "odds and ends" shape that most Wings blogs have taken lately, here's a random smattering of what's got my lacy red thong in a bind...

1. Chicago...a dynasty? Go fist yourself Wayne Gretzky. I tuned into Gretz on Mike/Mike this morning and heard him rambling about how this team was on the cusp of becoming an Oilers-like dynasty. I'll set aside my own feelings about how good (or awful) an ambassador The Great One is for the game these days and instead go with this: THEY HAVEN'T WON A CUP WITH THIS TEAM YET...WAYNE! I wouldn't be surprised to see them take it home tonight...and yes...that will be a massive kick in the male g-spot...but the only thing worse than watching Joel Q raise the cup over his head is having to hear about how they've got the death grip on the SCF for the next decade. If they win this year and get back to the finals next year, I can see a good argument shaping up, but until they do BOTH of those things, spare me. They're one sizable Neimi contract demand away from being a first round playoff victim next year.

2. I am legitimately nervous about our goaltending situation. No clue why this is nagging on me this week, but I can't get away from this lurking suspicion that Tiberius' play in Detroit might have topped out midway through the season when he stopped 793 shots against LA. Thankfully, we've got another year of him playing on the cheap, so we don't have to worry about paying massive coin to a guy who's only done it for one season and then seeing him flop. Still...I wouldn't be surprised in the least if he came out next year and started coughing up rebounds en masse...again.

3. Current status: CONtuzzi/indifferent. Bertuzzi...signing...whatever. Should we get excited because he "found his game" as a front net presence at the end of last year or shudder at the prospect of a big body with a lot of wear on it...one that I bet is going to break down in some grand fashion...soon...taking up a roster spot for the next 2 seasons? Does anyone else like our odds of Bertuzzi keeping his game simple for another full year...going to the net and setting up shop instead of flipping blind passes to a fresh line of opposing forwards on a consistent basis? Me neither.

4. Millertime? Last...and this is the biggie...is this fundamental question of which, if any, of our remaining free agents we really want back. Of the remaining guys, the only two that I consider no-brainer, must-sign are Gator and Helm. Helm has already proven that he belongs on the club for an entire season and Gator made a great case for it in the playoffs. Those guys should be locking up our third and fourth lines for the next decade and all signs point to them getting better year over year. Eaves is a likely YES, but only if he signs for something reasonable. He's earned it. I like what he's done on the club, I love the reclamation storyline, the scrappiness in the playoffs, and his willingness to drop the gloves more often than "enforcer" Brad May. The chemistry between him, Helm and Drapes is something special...something that will probably get us another 2-3 years on Drapes' career in Detroit. Meech...I could really care less. Bertuzzi we've already addressed...and I don't have time to get into the blueline situation, even though I am laughing my ass off about Lebda getting turned down by the KHL because his demanded contract looked like a Miley Cyrus rider (only green M&Ms, seven televisions all tuned to TLC and two one-legged, well-hung Asian strippers guarding the door at all times).

Instead, let's talk about Drew Miller. Take a look at the projected forwards lineup below for next season:

Mulestache - Pavel - Buns

Loins - Hank - Vodlemort

Flapjacks - Scuttles - XX

Drapes - Helm - Eaves

Shuffle the top six guys around all you want, with the exception of a Cleary-down, Flapjacks/Scuttles-up shift, those top six are relatively set. The issue at hand is how we fill out the bottom four forward positions. Assuming we resign Helm and Eaves, we're left with one open spot, likely on the third line. Granted, we could see Eaves or Helm jump onto the 3's...and there could be another rash of injuries that throws this whole thing in the dumpster...but assuming we're starting with a "best case scenario" mindset (rare around these parts, admittedly), where in the hell does Drew Miller fit on this lineup sheet?

I wanted magic to happen with Miller all playoffs long. I was positive we were going to have a primetime Miller moment...something iconic...like Mac pounding a turtled Lemieux or even Mule tossing a mouthguard. I kept waiting for him to have THAT INCIDENT that endeared him to the fanbase...that made him impossible to let go.

It never happened. Not for me. I'm not discounting his role on the PK or his hustle out there, but, cap permitting, are we better off with him on the ice or with Gator filling a hole on the 4's and bumping someone else up to play alongside Scuttles and Flip?

Some TPL Notes, Bertuzzi: Win-Win Situation, and Lebda: RubleRich?

2010-06-08T11:44:00.000-04:00

As you may have noticed, we've been fairly absent parents (nee, deadbeat dads) over the last couple of weeks. Aside from the pain of talking about hockey knowing that the Red Wings season ended, we've got a few things in the works for the site over the coming months -- as cryptically teased on Twitter.

There's quite a bit happening being the curtain, and I wish I could share them all with you now, but I can't. But I promise that the wait - and the frustration - is worth it. It's a very exciting time in TPLand.

Next order of business: guest posts. In the coming weeks, we'll be putting up posts written by some of our very favorite commenters/Tweeps/friends -- those that don't have a blog of their own. We were excited to get the responses we have, and we look forward to receiving more. If you weren't e-mailed, and felt you should have been (or would like to be), it's most likely because we didn't have your e-mail address and/or couldn't find you on Twitter. If you'd like to be included in our end-of-the-season Retrospectacus, drop us a line and we'll get you the details.

Below the line, ACTUAL Red Wings news. Word?

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It's no secret that this half of TPL has a violent, borderline obsessive hatred toward #44 in red. Disch swings back and forth -- at one point during the season, he was completed on board the Contuzzi Express (headed for Disappearance, arrival time: FEBRUARY).

So when news came down this morning that Todd Bertuzzi had been offered a two-year extension to stay in Motown, you'd probably expect my eyes to burn with the furor of 10,000 suns. But you'd be wrong...

Like I mentioned on the latest episode of The Obstructed View, whatever happens with the Todd Bertuzzi contract talks is a win for TPL. If he pulls a 2007 and signs for $11 more on the West Coast (zero of us should be surprised if we witness this again), good -- get the hell off my team. If he accepts the two year offer, every time he does something positive (evidently 18 times a year), negative (dozens of times nightly), ill-advised (offensive zone penalties FTW!), ridiculous (no-look, spin-o-rama, falling down pass), or in between -- we reap the benefits. Also, my Shirtuzzi increases in value. Although I'm not sure you can increase from "priceless."

In equally unsettling, but much funnier, news -- Brett Lebda was being courted by the KHL...until his salary demands made the Russians scoff. Read that again. HIS SALARY DEMANDS to the league notorious for over-paying the shit out of borderline NHLers made the KHL shut down negotiations. I'm not sure what to make of it, unless he threw out a ridiculous number because he didn't really want to spend a year (or more) in Siberia... I dunno, something like $9.50 an hour.

What it does tell me is that he's probably been told what the rest of us already knew: the Wings are going to let him walk -- because I doubt he'd search for gainful employment if he had any sort of indication that he'd be back with the Wings.

Finally, like we all assumed, all of the RFAs have been qualified. Yeah, I know -- even Derek Meech. More on that later in the week...

"If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at?"

2010-06-07T14:22:00.000-04:00

There's a nice little Treehouse of Horror reference for you Simpsons fans...

First things first -- we at TPL must have gotten carried away with the cryptic tweets or something, but this can't go unmentioned: Tomas Holmstrom has re-signed with the Red Wings for two seasons, at an insanely mild cap hit of $1.875M. Homer has routinely (read: his entire thirteen year NHL career) played for far less than he's worth -- and he will continue to do so until at least 2012 (when John Cusack and some punk-ass Mayans tell me the world will end). $1.875M for the best player on the planet at ANYTHING is a bargain -- let alone the kind of job Homer does. Screening goalies, seemingly impervious to physical pain, deflecting pucks with pinpoint accuracy, and being the biggest pain in the ass on the powerplay is worth every cent of $1.875M and much, much more. Anyone who says otherwise deserves a swift kick to the nuggets.

Something I said on the podcast (more on that in a minute), if Tomas Holmstrom legitimately wanted to test free agency on July 1st -- which I don't believe for a second he would -- he'd have twenty-nine offers in a matter of minutes. And every single one of those offers would be for more than $1.875M. But like he has his entire career, he came at a massive hometown discount and we're lucky to have him and his gigantic ass back. I know Natalie's probably still floating...

I'm not advocating that Tomas Holmstrom be paid $5M a year -- but anyone that thinks he's "worth" less than $2M is on drugs.

Next, and far more timely, the newest edition of The Obstructed View is ready for download. I had the distinct pleasure of joining host/woodsman Chris Hollis and a first-timer to our little cabal: Sean Gentille of the Sporting News. It was awesome having a quote-unquote "outside" view on the show -- putting a little perspective onto Wings Nation (since -- newsflash -- we get carried away sometimes). He was a consummate gentleman, incredibly knowledgeable about our game, and a blast to speak to. Here's hoping he wants to come back in the future. Click the link to head to TOV's page and download the audio - you'll hear first-hand how we feel about Todd Bertuzzi's situation (hint: I'm not a fan), Steve Yzerman's departure and mini-raid, and Engelbert Humperdink records. And then the show ends with me admitting that I haven't watched a single second of hockey since the Wings were eliminated.

Lastly, a bit of self-promotion here... check out TPL's new Facebook page. There's very little happening on it right now, but in the future, we plan to use it as a tool of some sort. Perhaps to make an announcement...

Go fan it or friend it or whatever they call it now (is it me, or do they change that kinda often?).

Not so fast, Doug Janik

2010-06-01T12:13:00.002-04:00

From the cold winter of the NHL offseason, we received some fantastic news today via sources (smoking hot, stunningly intelligent, fantastically connected sources) deep in the bowels of DRW.com: Nicky Norris is coming back for another year. While this is excellent news for the fanbase...for Jimmah, for Raffy and for Zamunda...it is a crushing blow to one Doug Janik, who was undoubtedly banking on his ascension to the first pairing in the event of a Nick resigning.

(Editor's note - I'm pretty sure Janik is off the team now, but as facts aren't a real priority around here and our Swedish intern/fact checker Heidi is off for the summer, we're going with it)

As far as I call tell, unless he signed for 15mil next year and Deepwater Horizon'd (too soon?) our cap situation, this is nothing but EXCELLENT. Say what you want about TPH's regular season, there is just no way around the fact that having Nick on the team makes us better. My gut says that he's got unfinished business to handle, but that same gut feeling thought that I would get my parkingbreakless1991 4Runner with the leaking gas tank through state inspection last year...so...you know...take all this with a grain of salt...

Welcome back, Nick.

Good Luck, Stevie Y

2010-05-25T10:04:00.000-04:00

Nearly 27 years (to the day) after joining the Red Wings, he's waving goodbye. The best leader in the history of sports saw an opportunity he couldn't pass up.

Steve Yzerman - the first draft pick made by then-new owners Mike and Marian Ilitch - will be announced as the new general manager of the Tampa Bay Lightning this afternoon.

Following his success with Team Canada in the Olympics and - well - everywhere else before that, there's little doubt that Yzerman can succeed in Tampa. It may not be quick, and they're still embroiled in a messy ownership debacle, courtesy of Saw guy and hardly-was NHLer. But, rest assured, like he always did on terrible Red Wings teams, Steve Yzerman will find a way to make the most of it.

Every last one of us should be thankful for his time with the organization and wish him nothing but the best of luck. He's made no secret about the fact that he wanted to run a team, and he wasn't going to get his chance in Detroit -- not soon, anyway. Ken Holland is the best there ever was, and Jim Nill is no slouch either. An embarrassment of riches in Detroit gets a tiny bit lighter today, but we can all look to the Lightning as an extension of the Red Wings now because there's nothing that means more to the team, its fans, and the city as Steve Yzerman has since June 8, 1983.

Good luck, Captain. If ever there was a reason to root for another team - particularly one in the other conference - this is it. From now until he moves on, if the Red Wings can't win the Cup every year, I want it to be Tampa Bay.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

Lindsay Soto and her big tits join TPL for the offseason

2010-05-20T09:35:00.004-04:00

I sidled into the office today and read this piece by Steve Dahl in the Tribune. I can't tell if he's being intentionally dry or not, but if that's the motif he's going for, he delivered in spades. If I had to chose between rereading this column or trying to eat cereal like that guy with no arms who has to use his feet, I'd probably chose the later.

I'm bored.

I have a feeling you are too.

These playoffs...I was hoping for a little more sizzle. I was hoping for something that kept me intrigued. They started off so well! The PHX series...the Philly comeback...the vanquishing of all the NHL's marketing vehicles like THID and OVIE.

Now? I mean...just NOTHIN. Much as I hate to admit it, there was a small piece of me pulling for the Sharks and the Habs...and even THAT isn't coming through for me. What. The. Fuck. ...? There is this impending sense of doom right now that the Hawks are going roll through the Sharks and glide past the Flyers...and then I'll have to spend an entire calendar year listening to Hawks fans jam the "we're young, we're awesome...we're big and gay...we're here to stay" storyline up my ass. This frustrates me greatly.

What I really need is some good news. I'll take any of the following:

TPH signs a 3-year deal at $5m per, thus locking up our blueline for the foreseeable future and allowing us to sign Lils so that he can babysit Johnny Rig for a few more months;

Bertuzzi signs for a half mil instead of the $1.5 we're predicting (which is insane for a guy who basically needs the plastic chair to push around the ice to remain upright);

The Wings making the bold move to hire Lindsay Soto to sit on Murph's lap while he breaks from pounding Jagerbombs to deliver the intermission breakdown...and then assigns Soto to TPL during the offseason for a "summer internship" program and doesn't notify either Petrella's or my SO;

The United Center falls into Lake Michigan, swallowing half the Hawks roster but leaving Scotty Bowman intact so that he can return to his rightful franchise; or

Shanny forms a South American-style takeover of the Bettman dictatorship and claims the NHL throne effective immediately...then, in a questionable abuse of power, assigns Gary the unfortunate task of trying to resurrect the WNBA.

I also wouldn't mind seeing the Habs make a legit run at the Flyers here. I've long taken the position that, once my team was out of the playoffs, and as long as there isn't an extenuating circumstance (bad blood with either team, significant gambling investments on the line), I root for the team whose fans will most appreciate the Cup. Montreal winning (which is never going to happen this year) would do two things:

One, it would bring the Cup back to Canada. I never really feel bad about a Canadian team winning the Cup because it never really happens and whenever it does, it's the biggest thing to happen to that town in anyone's lifetime. The same will never be said of the Cup going to Philly...or SanJo...or Chicago. Years back when Dallas won the Cup, someone from the organization actually brought it to a Texas frat party. Somehow, even though I was only a half mile away that night, I had no idea this was going on until it was over. Nobody had any clue what the hallowed Cup was and those sober enough to understand that "something big was happening" assumed that the big mug was someone's artistic interpretation of the then-defunct Winston Cup. The point is this - Bring the Cup to a town that loves it.

Second, MTL winning would be a fantastic UP YOURS to Toronto. I can only imagine how much it would piss off a Leafs fan to see a fellow Canadian franchise...one that everyone left for dead at the start of the playoffs...rise up and win it. That would be like being back in elementary school and seeing the guy you beat up on the playground get a full-on mug down session with the chick in the bloomers you always had a crush on.

With that, I'll pose the question to the rest of the BOREDSHITLESS Wings fanbase - who are YOU pulling for right now? What's on YOUR list of "this offseason would stop sucking if..."

Season Tickets for 2010-11

2010-05-20T08:10:00.002-04:00

Howdy, Red Wings fans. Do you want season tickets for next year? Of course you do. We all do. One of TPL's best friends - and H2H hero - Ryan Michaels shot me an e-mail asking me to let it be known (from the mountaintop as it were) that season tickets and group packages are available. Everything I'm hearing makes it sound like the Wings will continue to play in Joe Louis for at least next season, so rest easy, friends.

If you're interested in getting yourself season tickets, partial season's, group seats, or have any other ticket needs, feel free to get in touch with Ryan. His info follows:

Ryan Michaels

313.396.7504
ryan.michaels@hockeytown.com

Detroit Red Wings Free Agent Extravaganza!

2010-05-19T11:51:00.003-04:00

WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY?!

**UPDATE: Yup. I already forgot Scuttles.**

It's been a busy twenty-four hours for TPL. And no, I don't mean (just) those cryptic Tweets from the site's new Twitter account, as exciting as those are. Or the booking of flights and hotels for L.A. since I received confirmation yesterday that my application for media credentials has been accepted and I'll be covering the Entry Draft for you fine folks (speaking of which, send me your questions for Taylor and Tyler -- so far all I've got is "So, Tyler, wouldn't it suck being a Maple Leaf?").

But there's been plenty of free agent news in the Red Wings world. We lost one, we locked one up, and there's plenty of innuendo flying around for the rest.

Mattias Ritola was re-signed to an interesting deal. It's a three-year pact, the first of which is two-way (meaning that if he clears waivers heading down to the AHL, he won't need to clear re-entry waivers to come up) before becoming one-way. The cap hit over the length of the deal is an affordable $516,667. Will he clear waivers after training camp (should he fail to make the team outright)? We might find out, but having him locked up proves two things: 1) the Wings are committed to making it work somewhere down the line as he's guaranteed a one-way deal starting in '11-12 and 2) Ritola's willing to at least accept another year of the American Hockey League instead of bolting for Eurodollars (also known as Euros).

Which brings us to Daniel Larsson. The Griffins starting goaltender - who was a restricted free agent - has bolted for Sweden, signing a two-year deal with HV-71 (the same team that Stefan Liv came from and returned to), meaning he won't be back with the Wings organization next season. It's a little discouraging because all accounts of his progress from training camp to minor league hockey showed that he had promise, but it's clear (now that Jimmy Howard has come into his own) that with Thomas McCollum on the radar, Larsson must have been the odd man out. It also means that the Wings will need to shop for a goaltender - unless they're comfortable with a tandem of second year pros on the farm: McCollum and former Notre Dame goaltender Jordan Pearce.

Back to the big club, there are a dozen NHL free agents to deal with. A blurb about each will follow, ordered in likelihood of return.

Darren Helm [C, $599k] will be back. Obviously, it's not official in the "pen has been put to paper" sense, but despite his somewhat invisible playoff run, he's got that Red Wing for Life feel, a Paul Bunyan hard-worker in a blue collar town kinda guy. I think he can be convinced that his price point isn't drastically higher than the $600,000 he didn't quite make this past season, especially given his role as a grinder and/or fourth line checking forward. If I had to put a price prediction on it, I'd say three years, $2.4M for a cap hit of $800,000. It's a 33% raise, which is very reasonable for a player of his hierarchical stature.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 100%

Justin Abdelkader [C, $850k] is this year's Darren Helm. Good enough to be on the roster all season, but forced to toil in Grand Rapids because of roster or cap space. When the playoffs came 'round, and the restrictions were loosened, he found himself immediately inserted into the lineup - and he quickly made his presence made, hitting everything in site and losing key faceoffs. Wait, ignore that last bit. Gator's $850,000 salary was off-set by the fact that he didn't really make that figure while playing in the AHL. It's not unusual for players to sign deals with lower NHL salaries when they know for sure that the'll make every penny of it - Jimmy Howard signed a lower money deal when he knew it was one-way, and thus guaranteed, and I bet Abdelkader does something similar - or at least stays at the same level. For sake of argument, I'll guess that he signs three or four years, for $800,000 per.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 98%

Tomas Holmstrom [RW, $2.25M] will never play for another NHL team. This much I know for sure. He's routinely taken far less than market value to remain a Red Wing, and I'd bet you dollars to donuts that he takes a paycut from his current $2.25M salary to continue shoving his ass in goaltenders' faces for Motown. Yes, he's aging. Yes, his body takes incredible abuse. Yes, he was one of the guys that has been put on Retirement Watch. But he's still the best in the business at what he does. And while his two-and-a-quarter paycheck may seem like a vast overpayment, keep in mind that when he was signed, he was still in the prime of his career. Now he's in one-year territory thanks to the 35+ rule (salary dedicated to players over 35 years of age will count against the cap no matter what happens - injury, demotion, etc). If he comes in over $1.75M, I'll be shocked.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 90%

Nicklas Lidstrom [D, $7.45M] is obviously the story of the summer. I never had any doubt he'd return for another kick at the can, but the fact that he's thinking about it a little bit is cause for hesitation. Not concern so much, because I feel like the captain knows this year was kind of weird and it isn't the way he'd like to go out. But, only he knows what his body and heart are telling him, and if it's time to move on, move back, or move out - then every last one of us should drop to our knees and thank him for his service over the last two decades. Much of the Wings' summer rests on his decision, so knowing his fate before July 1st would be ideal -- and to hear Helene St. James tell it, we'll have a decision long before that. I'd do a goddamn backflip if he signed in the $5M range, but I think it's more likely to assume he won't take less than Rafalski's $6M deal.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 85%

Todd Bertuzzi [RW, $1.5M]. Son of a bitch. Look, we all know how I feel about the guy (and about this is going to go down because the universe will find a way to make it so). I know the popular stance is to say that he plays hard both ways, find a niche, and was strong against the boards, but I just don't see it in him. Well, wait, I take that back. I see it - because it's true - it just doesn't outweigh the negatives I see in every single shift he takes. He's the worst skater on the team (a team that, by the way, includes Tomas Holmstrom), he isn't physical for a man as imposing as he is, and he routinely makes dumbass passes and plays. All of that said, he has certainly clicked with Zetterberg and Filppula, as the trio made the most dominant Wings line in the playoffs. That chemistry alone is worth throwing dollars his way - and Holland has made it clear that he intends to re-sign Shetuzzi. Which is fine for TPL, because whenever he scores or does something completely retarded, we reap the benefits. Looking at another year and $1.5M, folks.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 80%

Patrick Eaves [LW, $500k] presents a different problem. He was making seven figures before being bought out last summer, and - riding the payout you receive from such a thing - signed for the league minimum to play in Detroit. He immediately found a place: he's a great fit on the team, in the locker room, and everywhere in between. When he dropped the gloves on NBC one Sunday afternoon, I fully expected a contract extension to be waiting for him in his stall. But, alas, Ken Holland has more foresight and patience than I do, and we find ourselves heading into free agency reaaaaally hoping he wasn't using the league minimum deal as a good faith tryout. Is he worth more than than the $850,000 I think he'll sign for? Probably, but this is the Red Wings and to be a part of the greatest organization in hockey, you have to make sacrifices. It's easy for me to say, but if my choice was 850k and the Red Wings or a million and the Thrashers, it's a no-brainer.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 70%

Drew Miller [LW, $525k], all of a sudden, finds himself in a bit of a murky situation. Not that I don't want him back, because he had a career year and is clearly a Red Wings kind of player. The problem is roster space. If things need to be mixed up, it might come at the expense of a waiver acquisition that was brought in to plug holes. Plug those holes he did, and he did it admirably, and there's absolutely no question he deserves to be signed to a deal. It's a matter of numbers (roster slots, not money), but in the end, I feel like he's on the track to being re-signed, though it might be later into free agency after everyone else's numbers come in. I bet he gets a Lebda-like deal, in the $650,000 range.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 50%

Kirk Maltby [LW, $883k]. I love him. I wish he could retire a Red Wing. But, both sides have hinted that he may have played his final game in Detroit - as the team is set to move on and spend the money elsewhere, and Malts has said he's interested in continuing his on-ice career. It'd be painful to see him in another uniform, but that's the man's right as a hockey player. He's played his heart out for this organization and he deserves to continue playing if that's what he wishes - and his body will allow him. Of course, there's the chance that his shoulder or any number of other joints tell him he's had enough, he retires, and remains a member of the organization: as a scout, or a personnel guy, or something... There's even a third option -- he's re-signed, at $650,000ish, and plays the role of 13th forward.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 25%

Andreas Lilja [D, $1.25M] is a guy that I thought was all-but-signed for next season. His chemistry with Jonathan Ericsson (and the calming influence he became) was valuable to the team, and even though Jakub Kindl has to be on the big squad next year, it's no secret the Red Wings like to have too many defensemen instead of too few. Then, a curveball. Even Lilja, who writes a player blog, has said that it'll take some magic to make it work. He'll have to take a paycut on his (already reasonable) 1.25M and be okay with sitting some nights -- and that's a lot to ask of a guy that could get a modest raise and more playing time elsewhere. Is the writing on the wall for Lilja - who made a triumphant return after a year on IR? It might be.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 15%

Brett Lebda [D, $650k] is dunzo. That's all there is to it. I'm willing to be that Ken Holland has no intention of even calling his agent. Enjoy watching Lebda join the rush and forget to play defense in Buffalo or something.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 1%

Jason Williams [C, $1.5M] last act as a Detroit Red Wing will be bombing a shot fourteen feet over the net, leading directly to a San Jose Sharks rush where he fails to backcheck properly and watches the game-winning goal in overtime of Game 3 of the Second Round. Ritola went into the lineup, Williams came out. And that's where he'll stay. He'll find a home somewhere, but it won't be Detroit.
LIKELIHOOD OF RETURN: 0.1%

Here's my thing with Derek Meech [D, $483k]. I believe he'll be re-signed BUT that's not to say that he'll be a Red Wing. He's a restricted free agent, which means that the Wings have the right to match any offer he receives (or take draft pick compensation, should his new contract meet certain benchmarks). It's always been the Wings way to qualify all of their RFAs and see what happens. If they intend on keeping them, they'll make sure they're signed. If they aren't sure of their place on the team, guess what? Trade chip. Meech will come in very cheap, has never made a stink about rarely playing, is capable of dropping in at forward, etc. He's a valuable player in that respect, so someone might bite on the trade offer.

All said, with the signings listed above - we've got a roster that looks a little something like this:

:: Howard, Osgood

:: Lidstrom, Rafalski, Kronwall, Stuart, Ericsson, Kindl

:: Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Franzen, Filppula, Cleary, Holmstrom, Hudler

:: Bertuzzi, Draper, Eaves, Abdelkader, Helm, Ritola, Miller

That's 22 players and about $56.47M dedicated to them. That leaves one roster spot (likely to be used on a defenseman) and -- depending on how much the cap fluctuates -- half a million dollars-ish to spend. Those figures all change if Ritola can't crack the roster.

THE OTHERS

Like Larsson, restricted free agent (and resident Norwegian) Ole-Kristian Tollefsen will be saying goodbye to the organization, as he's signed in Europe. He was the additional chip in the Ville Leino deal, meaning the only return for PLAYOFF SUPERSTAR Leino will be a fifth round pick.

It's been made clear that Brad May is out as a Red Wing -- and potentially as a hockey player. Seemed like a great man and a wonderful teammate, but as far as his on-ice value to this squad goes, it's pretty low. He's an enforcer (that doesn't enforce) and scores the occasional goal (that won't count). Add to the fact that he's made it known that he's yearning for family time, it's probably time to hang them up.

Johan "Enigma" Ryno's deal is up this summer, as well, and it'll be interesting to see what's done about that. He was close to making the squad a few seasons ago, bolted for Sweden, came back, bolted again... the Wings obviously like him, but the feeling might not be mutual. I'm excited (because I'm a nerd) to see where this goes.

Doug Janik got into some games with the Wings this year, and was a valuable Griffin the rest of it, so I'm sure there's interest in keeping him, but I doubt Janik wants to toil in the AHL if he can get a better deal elsewhere.

There are five additional restricted free agents and we'll know more as the summer comes, but like I said above, they'll probably all be qualified and have their ticket punched for Grand Rapids: Riley Armstrong, Evan McGrath, Ryan Oulahen, Jeremy Williams, and Sergei Kolosov - who is probably the one guy on this list that has a potential future on the Red Wings.

Photo Credit: Bruce Bennett, Getty Images

The Good Old Hockey Show, TAKE 2!

2010-05-18T10:07:00.000-04:00

The fine men at The Good Old Hockey Show (actually) invited me back to chat about the playoffs, Nick Lidstrom's future, free agents, Todd "Still a Fucking Red Wing," Bertuzzi and the prospect of the Wings playing at the Palace (gag) of Auburn Hills (GAG).

Once again, they were great hosts, it was awesome hockey talk, and I was honored to be their guest. For a direct link to the interview, click this link and listen to me ramble on and on about God knows what.

While you're at it, follow the show on Twitter, as well as it's host Jeff Hancock.

Scuttles Saga becomes Nick Narrative

2010-05-13T11:53:00.001-04:00

It's been a few days since the Red Wings season came crashing down, so we're all sobering up a little bit. If it's any consolation (and yes, yes it is), the Penguins lost last night. Mellon Arena was set to be demolished later in the summer, unless rioting Montreal Canadien fans get to it first...

Anyway, much has been made about our own little midget returning to the winged wheel for next season. Be honest, we were all expecting a long, drawn-out saga, filled with 'will he won't he' and KHL presidents blabbering about God knows what. But, unceremoniously, it was revealed that Jiri Hudler will be returning to play for the Detroit Red Wings after his Russian team folded and amid rumors that he hasn't seen a dime from his massive $5M tax-free "paycheck." Obviously, $2.8M in the hand is more than five million theoretical dollars and freezing your nuts off.

Instead, it looks like the back and forth summer story is going to be about Nicklas Lidstrom. He's an unrestricted free agent that's just turned forty and while much has been made about his declining play, he's still one of the best on the planet - hands down. He's made no secret about the fact that he'd like to return to Sweden, and the same is said of Mrs. Lidstrom, but almost everyone seems to agree that he'll be a Red Wing once again -- and that he'll take a pay cut to do it. Jamie Samuelsson tosses a little bit of water on that fire, saying that while Lidstrom's likely aware that his "financial value has dropped," he also knows that he's the team's most valuable player.

I don't doubt for a second that Lidstrom will return next season. In the interest of fiscal responsibility, I hope he takes a salary somewhere around 5ish million. I'd do a backflip if he comes in under that figure, but considering the $7.45M salary he's been making -- is asking a man to take a 33% pay cut a bit dramatic? I know that if you asked me to, I'd kick you in the shins.

But there will be people out there who claim that he's "made enough money" and "shouldn't be greedy." I never take it as athletes being greedy -- they have a (relatively) short career and have to get all the dollars they can before their bodies are used up.

We'll have a lot more about the salary cap situation as it unfolds, but a figure to wrap your brain around right now is 12.3. The Red Wings have about 12.3 million dollars in cap space, and have 8 spots to fill. The following is a list of UFAs and RFAs (that are likely to play on the Wings this upcoming season and their 09-10 salaries), so make of it what you will. We'll address each hole later in the summer, so this isn't a list of who NEEDS to be re-signed...simply a list of those that aren't for next season.

--UNRESTRICTED--
Nicklas Lidstrom (7.45)
Tomas Holmstrom (2.25)
Todd Bertuzzi (1.5)
Jason Williams (1.5)
Andreas Lilja (1.25)
Kirk Maltby (833k)
Brett Lebda (650k)

--RESTRICTED--
Justin Abdelkader (850k) -- my bad, thanks for the catch Misopogon
Darren Helm (599k)
Drew Miller (525k)
Mattias Ritola (512k)
Patrick Eaves (500k)
Derek Meech (483k)

Photo Credit: Christian Peterson, Getty Images

An unceremonious end to a great season

2010-05-09T03:49:00.003-04:00

It's about 3AM in Dallas. I just took off the tuxedo and I've had more than my share of whiskey. An hour ago, I found out that we lost. After a year of following every breath of this team, I accidentally looked up at the tv on a soulless bar, downtown in the City of Unfathomable Pretense, and saw it...2-1 San Jose.

I've been at a wedding all night trying to avoid news of the game. I knew the nuptial would prevent me from seeing the whole match, but to find out like this...to see your team's season crash...to see it in a bar where there are more Ed Hardy shirts than genuine sentiments...that stings. I was trying to skirt any news about the game...hoping that I'd get a "Chicken Dinner" email from Petrella letting me know that all was well...that we'd won...that the dream was still alive...

...but that note didn't come and here we are, and I can't help but think that my state at the moment is similar to what's going on across the Wings franchise. While I doubt that Drapes is sitting in his boxers in front of a keyboard, drunk and tired, with a reheated thing of tortellini to his left, I do think that there's some battered sense of relief right now...some sense of rest...the rest that comes with a touch of sorrow, but with a sense of gratitude towards WHAT is coming to an end. The long struggle of this season is over. A season where we went from nervous anticipation, to confusion, to doubt, to hope. A season of massive emotional swings where a game we once thought was just a random tilt against the Wild actually meant something.

Rest well, my liege.

Let's be clear on something: We Wings faithful have had a hell of a run the past three years. Two finals, one CUP and a second round scramble that came up short. I have a hard time NOT seeing that as one continuous string and if you don't appreciate that, talk to...well...talk to the team that just beat us.

...or talk to the "upstart Blackhawks."

...or talk to the Van'nucks.

You know what those guys have been doing for the past few post-seasons? They've been wishing, hoping, praying that they had the kind of 3-year run we just did. They've been on their knees begging that a "rough season" would be one where they surged into playoff contention, beat the Cinderella story team and eventually lost...by a goal...to a team that's immensely talented and got a few breaks. A team that...when you describe it like that...reminds us a lot of ourselves in years past when we did skate home with the hardware.

To win the Cup, you don't have to be good, you have to be great. This year, we weren't. ...and more than just being great, you have to be lucky. You have to get those "team of destiny" bounces where the puck slides across the crease instead of going in...where a hold or a hook goes unnoticed....where a rebound just so happens to bounce to your crashing winger trailing a play with nothing between him and the net but his own fears and the team's past failings. We just didn't get that kind of action this year.

Maybe we WERE tired...maybe we need to retool a bit...or maybe it was just someone else's time, but as we deal with this, as we slink into our post-season depression, we need to do so with a sense of gratitude. We'll spend all summer picking this apart. For now, let's be grateful for the efforts of a fantastically talented group of players who operate in a truly unforgiving climate. Let's acknowledge that as Wings fans, we've had it good...for a long time...and that if we need to spend a long summer in the wilderness...if we need to go into June without our team out on the sheet...we'll take our lumps and come back with a full heart.

San Jose? Let them have their fun for now. Let them full up The Tank and try to exercise their daemons. I remember what that was like in the late 90's. It's a rugged path. Let them see what it's like to have to carry the weight of expectations for four whole rounds. Hockey in Detroit? It's going nowhere. We'll swallow hard...go about our business...and we'll be ready when they open the doors back up at The Joe next season...because as Wings fans who have lived through the best and the worst...that's what we do.

Red Wings win series on aggregate, 17-15.

2010-05-09T00:40:00.000-04:00

Thank you, Detroit Red Wings, for another season of memories, heart-ache, love, hate, desire, hope, and joy.

I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here all summer counting the days until we have the puck dropping again, with Nicklas Lidstrom wearing the C.

Here we come

2010-05-08T13:22:00.000-04:00

Tonight, the Red Wings play the biggest game of the season. Or at least since Thursday. Following a heartbreaking overtime loss in front of a home crowd in Game 3, the Wings found themselves in a situation that is rarely overcome, a 0-3 series deficit. Somehow, people tried convincing Red Wings fans it'll be okay because once-Red Sok (I don't really know the singular of "Sox") Johnny Damon is now a Tiger. Not quite sure how that is relevant, but you've gotta hang your hat on something I guess.

Wednesday morning, I received a text message from my buddy Wade, who is a life-long Capitals fan. It said, more or less, if there's any team that can climb out of that hole, it's the Red Wings - and if there's any team that can choke from that mountain, it's the Sharks.

Enter Johan Franzen.

Despite having 11 points in 10 games, Mulo was having a quiet offensive post-season by his standards. We've grown used to seeing him score at will, but he'd missed much of the season with a knee injury and the team as a whole has played exceedingly underwhelming hockey for whole chunks of the year.

Franzen scored five goals in Game 4. I don't care that the first was credited to Todd Bertuzzi (who, I assure you, had no idea he had done anything positive), that was a Mule goal. His six points was the main contribution to a Phoenix-Coyotes-in-Game-Seven-like ass-whomping of the Sharks. The photo at the top of the post is of Johan Franzen's front lawn -- clearly fans felt like he needed a few more hats.

All of a sudden...attitudes are shifting. I've got hope.

If the Wings can play like they did in Game 4, there isn't a team in the league that can stop them. I'm pretty sure the Sharks aren't defeated mentally after one loss, but if the Wings can steal one in The Tank tonight... who knows what could happen? What I do know is that the Sharks want no part of a Game 6 at Joe Louis.

Coming back into that environment down only 3-2 in the series feels a hell of a lot better than being down 3-0. Long story short, win Game 5 and absolutely anything can happen.

I read something last week that has stuck with me. You can't win four games in one night - you can only win one. The Red Wings are certainly capable of winning four individual games in a row. The Sharks are capable of losing four in a row. The series won't be won or lost tonight -- it will end when the Wings decide it's over: either by continuing to play like they did on Thursday or by mailing in another performance in any of the next three games. Frankly, neither should surprise us tonight. They've been unable to string together multiple games of that caliber, but -- like Wade said -- if anyone can, it's our Red Wings.

Game 5. Here we come.

To be or not to be...a man of hope tonight

2010-05-06T16:29:00.003-04:00

I'm completely losing my mind over the idea that we could get booted from the playoffs tonight. Now that I'm 30, I turn to all kinds of really sophisticated means to deal with stress...like Shakespeare. Below, behold one of the lost transcripts from the play Hamlet where he deals with the spectre of a 4-0 sweep in the second round of the playoffs...

...

Hamlet:

To be a playoff contender, or not to be : that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the hopes of a first round triumph

And then the spectre of a complete collapse a round later,

Or to take arms against a sea of poor officiating,

And by opposing end them? To die: to get blown out in the second round; to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That being a fan of an annual Cup contender is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come of a longshot 4-0 run by a team which has failed to play a full 60 minutes of hockey

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of a third Finals run,

The Bettman's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of jealousy from fans in towns where hockey was never meant to be, the law's delay, The insolence of office and the spurns

That patient merit of the fan who knows the odds are against him,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin...or a late-game softie let in by our rookie netminder who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary elongation of a season where we were dead sure in December we weren't gonna make the 8th seed,

But that the dread of something after the playoffs...like having to see Shane Doan having sex with a man on a Phoenix golf course,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No offseason hockey player returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have with our current roster

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the pathetic sight of a grown-ass man shaking in front of a 40+ inch television

Is sicklied o'er with the questioning looks of his friends and family who fear he has completely lost his fucking mind,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!

The fair Darren Helm! Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remember'd...including our inability to stay out of the penalty box, contain Joe Pavelski and generate goals from Johan Franzen.

Well Lebda wasn't the answer.

2010-05-05T08:01:00.002-04:00

Pictured above: the act the Sharks have perfected.

FINAL SCORE (Hi Dad!)
4-3 Sharks, in overtime. Series is 3-0 Sharks.

TPL'S TAKE
Oh nice, there's Sara in a tinfoil hat during the FSD pre-game video. Attagirl! Congratulations on making a very cool idea come to life and executing a very neat team-building thing. Forget all the haters who didn't understand the satire/humor of it, and give yourself a hand.

Something I mentioned on Twitter, but will use more pleasant language here: either the Red Wings became the hardest hitting team on the entire planet in the span of one week...or the the San Jose Sharks are the biggest batch of cupcakes that's ever been allowed to call themselves men. Christ almighty, flopping all over the goddamn place like they just got run over by a tank.

Amidst the clear physical intimidation taking place by Detroit, the Wings occasionally scored gaols. Sometimes they counted - other times they didn't, and I dare you to attempt to explain to me why. If there was one thing I could change about the NHL, legitimately, it would be the clusterfuck that is the hierarchy or protocol or whatever you want to call it for reviewing things. Nothing like pulling an E-brake during a high energy moment in a high energy building. Twice. On the same goddamn play. One call went one way -- the other another. There is officially nothing even remotely sane-minded about the league and its judgment. There needs to be a clear organization of authority, and I don't believe for a minute anyone has any idea what the hell is going on when a headset goes on one of the idiots in stripes.

Speaking of which, let's chat officiating shall we? Much has been said - and rightfully so - about how the Wings have been routinely jobbed in this series, but the calls that are being made against the Sharks are just laughable. I think that penalty shot call overtakes the Dany Heatley "goaltender interference" call from the other night. Yes, the Wings are receiving the brunt of weak calls, but the more egregious ones are going against the Sharks. If anything, that does more to prove the point of blatant one-sidedness, making desperate calls to even up the score, as it were. There isn't anyone on Earth that can tell me that Heatley call the other night was legit, or anything other than a "wait, this looks bad, let's have one go the other way" penalty.

Back to Game 3: there's absolutely no way that a Sharks player covered the puck with his glove in the crease. He definitely nudged it under Nabokov's pad, which - for the record - is 10,000% legal in the NHL. It would have been great if Henrik Zetterberg scored on his shot (HA! Yeah, I know...), but part of me is glad he didn't because the all-of-a-sudden-insufferable Sharks fans wouldn't shut up about it until at least May 20th, when they forget they have a hockey team. Z actually made a nifty move before going to his old-standby backhand, but Nabokov absolutely robbed a sure-goal. Beautiful save, real close to the goal line. Give credit where it's due. Hell of a save.

Homer's re-direct counted, Dan Cleary added a second marker, and things looked pretty comfy for the first time in the series. But, not content to head into the locker room after one period riding a shutout in front of the home crowd, Jimmy (he's back to Jimmy now) Howard kicks each and every one of us in the nuts (or equally painful/humiliating lady parts) with 1.8 seconds left. At least that way he couldn't allow another one (or two) in the next 90 seconds, AMIRIGHT?! I'll be here all week.

Zetterberg netted one that counted a few minutes into the second, which was huge because it proved to the bench and the fans watching that the late goal in the first didn't affect them mentally. Which is big, because a lot of times it's easy to dwell on such a poorly-timed goal for 17 minutes while the big machine lays a film of water on the ice.

OH NO DON'T HURT MY BABY! is what I immediately thought when I saw Darren Helm take a puck up high and hit the deck. Because he's made of man, he got up - on his own - a few seconds later, stole Chuck Norris' wife, and went about his business of being so completely and totally awesome that the pants of all 19,000 in attendance became simultaneously tighter. Yeah, even the women. I'm not really sure how it all works down there, so go with it.

In the final frame, the ice began to tilt toward TPL Mom and Sara, with the Sharks maintaining control for stretches, making it very scary to behold. Joe Thornton (wait, really?) scored for the second game in a row, narrowing the gap. Tiberius would make a handful of excellent saves that made you think "hmmm....I should remember that one for the recap because when the Wings win, it might be important."

And thennnnnn...

With 6:43 left in the third, known goal scoring machine Logan "Juicy" Couture scored from behind the goal line. A very weak effort from Howard, one-upping the Henrik Zetterberg deflection off of a Shark defender earlier in the game. Feel free to call me a wishy washy asshole, but I just don't feel like we've seen Calder-caliber Howard in the post-season. I'm not blaming him for losses or claiming Osgood would be a better option (FALSE), but I'm not super confident with Howard right now. I'm up for debate, for sure, just a feeling Jimmah gives me in my bellah.

A few minutes later, Nabokov goes all Greg Louganis on us and flippity flops all over the place. Yeah, he was out of the crease, but I mean... how would you react if you got shot in the chest by a shotgun? Wait, you say he wasn't? Hm... suspect reaction then. When I get into the office, I'm going to start filling out the Screen Actors Guild paperwork for him. No way homeboy should live any longer with the SAG Card. There are a lot of perks to those things for actors with his unique skill set.

Hey, ya know what won't be taxing on my tummy at all? Overtime.

Shockingly, the NHL didn't step in and demand that the intermission be only two minutes (instead of the full-length one you're supposed to get in the playoffs) in an effort to keep the Sharks momentum rolling. It didn't matter, 7 minutes into the extra frame the Sharks made it 3-0 in the series.

Since it'll be brought up everywhere, the Wings got two power plays (one of which was seven seconds long) to the Sharks six.

All that's left to do is sit back and enjoy the game on Thursday.

Heartbreaking Loss Candy

2010-05-04T23:09:00.002-04:00

That's all for tonight. I have plenty for tomorrow.

I have a feeling Malik want you to know where he stands

2010-05-04T16:28:00.000-04:00

The newest episode of The Obstructed View is up and ready to jailhump your ears. Episode 17 (WE'RE GETTING OLD, BOYS AND GIRLS) is live and joining host/millionaire matchmaker Chris Hollis are George Malik of Snapshots, Jessie from Bingo Bango, and yours truly.

Get your fill of playoff talk, referee eye exams, nearly hitting Western Canadians on Arizona roads, flashmobs, shit-hole alma maters, and maybe -- just maybe -- a lengthy soul-spilling by our very favorite George. Truth be told, it's completely and totally refreshing to hear him say things that we all are thinking and wish we could articulate properly. From now on, I'm calling Malik if I get stuck writing for work.

~~Books!~~ Podcasts. Check 'em out.

Don't ruin my birthday party

2010-05-04T12:06:00.005-04:00

...but if it doesn't tonight, we're f'd

I turn 30 on Thursday. It's a big-ass number for just about anyone, but instead of wondering what it means...what I can and can't do on a regular basis once I roll 3-0 (are Irish Car Bombs now out?)...the dominant concern today, a mere two days before the big day, is if the Wings are going to be facing elimination while I'm gathered on the couch all birthday'd up to take in the game with my closest and best.

I hate cliches as much as any other red blooded American...and I don't want to beat a dead horse here...but I've sliced and diced this from every angle and no matter how you skin this cat, tonight is a must win. If we win tonight, all of those Ghosts of Playoffs Past come to life for the Sharks. Maybe someone from the Merc pens a column with "here we go again"...foretelling the coming playoff collapse. With a win tonight, we're one game away from hitting the reset button on 5/6. We validate this theory that 5 on 5, we're the better team. With a win, Northern Cali is scrambling.

With a loss, I fear the worst (shocker). Dropping a game tonight opens the doors to all the "we barely made the playoffs...we should be glad that we kept the streak alive and made it to the second round" jive...all that LOSER TALK that's better suited for Chicago or Phoenix or a town like LA that never cared about hockey to start with.

A loss means we start looking for the reasons WHY. We start speculating that maybe we are a bit too old...maybe we DID play too much hockey the past two seasons...maybe our goaltending situation isn't as settled as it ought to be...maybe we've seen the last of Nick Norris in a red sweater. As someone who doubts that we can win four in a row against a good Sharks team, a loss will mean that on my birthday, as I roll into decade #4 on this blessed globe, I'll be treating the game more as a WAKE (I'm Catholic, live with it) than a continuation of The Dream.

All that said, I have reason to believe that the plane hasn't yet entirely crashed into the side of the mountain (Lebowski). ...and let's get this out of the way: none of this confidence as anything to do with where the game is being played. Much as I love the Joe and the outpouring of love, home ice is GREATLY overrated. Don't bother sending me the numbers. I don't care and it's my birthday week, so I get to make up the damn rules. ...and don't show me that article in the Freep about the "La Mystique du Joe." I already glanced through it. I remain unconvinced and really, none of that matters right now anyway.

What DOES matter is setting this Marshall amp of a team to an eleven and executing. I honestly believe we can do that. Norris, Pavel and Hank are all playing like the linchpins they are...the players we pay them handsomely to be. Jimmah is looking solid and even if I don't trust him to steal a game, he's at least playing up to Ozzie standards. That got us to the finals two years in a row. I also love how Gator has taken on the role of Dallas Drake, Redux, and I think that as long as he can continue to limit mistakes, Rig can be a valuable part of our efforts to body up against the big fellas from Sharktown. My last thread of optimism thinks that while this a fantastically talented Sharks team...and a great matchup for the Wings (and hockey lovers anywhere)...these guys are still trying to beat us at our own game. They're still trying to be crazier than our brand of crazy. They're trying to Tommy Gunn our Rocky Balboa out of the picture and for anyone who's a fan of THAT franchise (even if V sucked), you know how that turned out.

On the flipside, a handful of things give me the craps right now. For one, I don't understand why we're rolling out PP2 instead of PP1 on our first penalty of each game. That's happened twice now. Methinks that maybe I just have the lines backwards, but any time Homer isn't out there the SECOND we're a man up, I'm confused. Confused and saddened. I'm also still waiting for Kronner to do something memorable other than sit in the BIN. Any time now, fella...any time would work just fine...

No predictions this time around. Just don't have it in me right now because as much as I want to Messier a win, this really is a fantastically matched set of teams. So many similarities...such a great matchup of skills and strengths. I love watching these two squads match up. This isn't about an upstart playing with more heart or a veteran squad reaching back to the past for one more win. It's not about the penalties or the prose. This is about going out and getting it done. This is about flopping our metaphorical johnsons on the table and finding who really is the bigger boy...the team that everyone thinks will eventually break through or the one who's been runnin the West for over a decade.

Tinfoil Flashmob

2010-05-03T10:17:00.001-04:00

A good friend of TPL's, the lovely Sara, is organizing what I sincerely hope takes off. Prior to Game 3 at Joe Louis Arena tomorrow, she's imploring fellow Wings fanatics to descend onto the Gordie Howe entrance donning the official headgear of Red Wings Nation: tin-foil hats.

Head over to her LiveJournal for more information. Long story short: even if you're not a ticketed attendant, you'll have the chance to meet up with other Wings fans in protest of the ridiculous refereeing fiasco in this series before heading to a bar to get yo' drank on.

If you're not familiar with flashmobs (how dare you), check out the video below. I am in and out of Grand Central every single day and if I saw something like this take place, I'd probably wet my pants (TURRRRRISTS!)

TWEET!

2010-05-03T00:35:00.000-04:00

Two minutes, being a Red Wings fan.

Pretty tough to win when you spend a literal third of the game killing bogus penalties. And that's all I'll say about that.

A Modest Proposal

2010-05-01T17:58:00.000-04:00

Editor's Note: Rob and I told J.J. from Kansas that if he ever needed a place to vent or throw a few thoughts into the wild, he has a forum. He's a good friend of TPL's, and we're proud to give him the keys today. Without further ado, the first TPL guest post:

---

Ok, put down the baby and the hot sauce Mr. Pronger, it's even more modest than that. I don't want to be forced to eat Irish children any more than you; but, if it means having the best possible NHL there can be, then spread some mustard on lil' Patrick and hand him over, buddy.

My simple idea: give the Stanley Cup to the best team in the NHL every year.

I won't try to rehash the reasons why, but we all know that Petrella is right about the Eastern Conference. If the entire NHL were a pig, the Eastern Conference would be the parts that get made into hot dogs. This is a big problem for the playoffs. If somebody had to choose between a fresh hotdog and some three-week-old pounded-out ham steak, the one made of lips and buttholes might win out just because it's fresher. Not to mix too many animal metaphors into this, but that's bullshit.

Here's my solution: Keep the Eastern and Western conferences exactly as they are, but seed the playoff matchups 1-16 and let the two teams to come out of that melange vie for Lord Stanley's Chalice. Let's face it, regional matchups sell regular season tickets. It's good to have the Kings and Ducks play six times a year. Let them all fight it out exactly as-is for playoff seedings (1-8 from each conference get in), but when the first season ends in April, all bets are off. Playoff hockey is inherently interesting, no matter which two teams you have facing off and if you want to create lasting interest, having a wider selection of teams with whom to build playoff rivalries makes it more interesting.

It's not a perfect system, but it's better. For instance, this year the matchups would have been:

Washington - Montreal

San Jose - Philadelphia

Chicago - Boston

Phoenix - Ottawa

Vancouver - Colorado

New Jersey - Buffalo

Detroit - Nashville

Pittsburgh - Los Angeles

I'm making some guesses as to who would have won each of these series, but here's what I think this second round would look like:

San Jose - Montreal (The Cinderella 19th-best-in-the-league Team crowns the new choke artists before facing the old)

Chicago - Buffalo (Patrick Kane's team versus his old stomping grounds... provided that cabby's face still lives in Buffalo)

Phoenix - Pittsburgh (Gary's new team versus Gary's old team)

Vancouver - Detroit (I don't have to tell you guys why that series would be awesome)

Two things: 1. No Eastern Conference team has a home series here, and 2. in all likelihood, this would leave only Pittsburgh from the East with a chance to win the cup. Everybody knows this is how it already is, it just makes more sense to know it a full round earlier, when the Penguins have to actually face off against teams who play defense AND offense.

You want to talk trophies though? The Campbell Bowl and Prince of Wales are given to the regular season West & East champs and the Presidents Trophy is retired, so that at least Washington can golf comfortably knowing they'll be the last team to have ever won it.

What do you think? I'm a genius, right?

Shhhh...everything's gonna be alright

2010-04-29T23:51:00.005-04:00

I've been saving this one for a special occasion

After most losses, I am the first guy to get all irrational and call for SIGNIFICANT LIFE ALTERATIONS. I need a new job! A new truck! A new woman! (ok...just kidding about the woman one...promise baby)

Tonight, it's a different story. Did we lose? Yes. Yes we did, to the tune of 4-3 (there you go, Mr P!). In the process of going down (intentional) 1-0 in the series though, I've come to the conclusion that in the end, all will be well in Hockeytown.

First off, a few game notes...

While I think that Jimmah had a VERY average night overall, he did look good at the beginning of the game on that Setoguchi snare. I had hope. I was thinking maybe Tiberius was going to go all 2Pac California Love on us again and relive his 78 save performance against the Kings earlier this year.

...and then, things started to unravel. It happened fast. It started with Kronner and Flip looking totally bass akwards on the 4-on-4, it evolved into the Pavelski PPG, then the Heatley notch and finally the Setoguchi goal to close out the flurry. I was genuinely concerned Tiberius was going to get the hook...and we were going to enter into "is Chris Osgood the savior" babble. Thankfully, we stabilized the patient on a truly odd goal from...wait for it...Ericsson working the cycle and feeding to Buckets.

A brief note on that play. For one, I love that Loins got the first tally of the night. He might have been our best player out there up until the collision. He was physical, he was driving the net, he was working hard. After that goal, my first thought though wasn't "yea Newfie!"...it was, as expressed via telegram to Petrella..."dear god please tell me Ericsson isn't going to start thinking it's a good idea to start working the cycle." Anyway, a goal is a goal....and a goal for Loins almost feels like two goals given the man's "hitless streak" lately.

A big difference between this series and last? The Sharks PK is el monstro. It is impossible to gain the zone cleanly and they're aggressive as hell on our point guys. Both of their units cover the ice in a hurry. If this thing comes down to special teams, dare I say it could be a rugged few games for the good guys.

Something else I noticed on that "special teams" topic...

The Jaws music when the Sharks come on the PP is money. I know we're not supposed to be nice to these Mac infested hockeyfans, but they do a handful of things right out there in SanJo and that music is one of them. When it initially came on in the first I actually shifted in my seat a little bit. I was scared (hold me)...kinda like during free skate at the old Birmingham ice arena when the big zamboni garage door flew open and they sounded that alarm. "Get the fuck off the ice kids! If you don't this ice truck will eat you! Eat you like a shark!"

My early "line of the night" went to Gator's unit. That kid is made for playoff hockey and he's got a sick amount of talent around him. He's like Sean Avery, but without the fashion sense and attitude problem.

The Mule got things going in the second and...might I be the (un)first to say IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Welcome to the playoffs big fella. We've been waiting. That was a nice goal...a goal scorer's goal for sure...the kind of tally that you expect when a man of Franzen's talent and girth gets some space. Two goals to start off the series from two guys we've been waiting on to emerge? Nice...very nice indeed.

After that happened, things got weird. The Cleary hit looked rough. Somehow he made it out in the third for the first PK, but I don't think he was quite the same torrid self after that happened. Here's to hoping that he is legitimately OK and wasn't playing through a concussion. The Mule penalty was also odd. From my vantage point, it looked like he was the one who got clipped with a high stick. Matching minors at least...actually...make it a double with the blood. Or maybe not.

That strangeness...and a slight sense of doom...carried into the third where we started two men down. The Pavelski goal...I'm not going to beat Jimmah up too bad on this one because OTHER JOE was walking in all alone on that, but it looked save-able. Tiberius redeemed himself later in the period during another PK and kept us in the game, but up to that point he wasn't making many "big saves." He wasn't a difference maker and whichever announcer said it, they got it right - he looked a lot like Chris Osgood out there. No, that's not a complement. He was doing the basics and not much else.

Even with the 2-goal defecit, I thought we still were going to pull this one out. Raffy's goal fueled the fire. What a good-looking tally! Mule gains the zone, Pavel, in traffic, finds the open Mr Olympics. It continued what was an already strong night for line 1A...or was it 1B now? Can't tell. And who really cares?

In the end, I feel good about this game and the series...

The Sharks are essentially a team that plays our brand of hockey and I honestly don't think they have the horses to play it better than us for 7 games. With guys like Mulo and Loins finding their footing...and Hank and Pavel continuing to play well...we have two completely dominant lines out there that I don't see SanJo being able to contain for long.

I also think that...even with some mediocre goaltending from Tiberius lately...we have the edge in that department. Nabokov had a nice stand at the end when we yanked Jimmy, but up until that point he did nothing to impress me. That man is not going to pull a Kipper and steal this series. He was getting lucky as shit all night with pucks wobbling away from the crease, shots just missing left and right. He won't be able to stay that lucky...not with the firepower we're bringing down on this man in the approaching games.

Random thoughts to close things out...
Torrey Mitchell is a girls name. Someone should tell Shane Doan not to have sex with him (HT: Tyler).
Douglas Murray has the gayest player pic I've ever seen. Saw it during the first period. Honestly man...it's worth another lap through 12 Oaks Mall to get that headshot redone.
Malhotra is a monster on the forecheck. That guy looked as Helm-like as I've seen in a player from an opposing team. Chipping the puck in deep, rattling the boards. I've got a small case of forbidden love brewing here.

Fonzie would be proud

2010-04-29T11:26:00.000-04:00

It's shark jumping time

Obviously, going seven games - more than any other Western Conference series - is means for starting Round 2 two days earlier than anyone else. We shouldn't have expected any less from the "oh, we'll just play back to back Finals games fifteen minutes after your third round ended" NHL.

While the Wings needed to go the entire distance to shove the Coyotes onto the golf course, the Sharks have been resting since Saturday, after a six game series with the Avalanche. It's not unreasonable to hope the Wings can catch St. Joe's and former assistant coach Todd McLellan off-balance and steal Game 1. Win one in California, and the Wings will usurp home-ice advantage in the series.

The Fins are "led" by Joe "Post Season Disaster" Thornton, Dany "Juuuuuust Shy of Seventy Goals" Heatley, Dan "Steve Smith Impressionist" Boyle, Patrick "No C" Marleau, Manny "Kneecap" Malhotra, Rob "Seriously?" Blake, Ryane "Withe an E" Clowe, Joe "Not Datsyuk" Pavelski, Devin "Tomagochi" Setoguchi, and Evgeni "High-Pressure Situation Rockstar" Nabokov.

After jousting all season with Chicago for top spot in the Conference, the Sharks' 113 points narrowly edged out the Hawks' 112. Their 51 wins was third most in the league, their 21.0% power play percentage is like Gaylord Focker's stock portfolio: "Strong. To very strong," and the kill was effective to the point of fifth best in the league.

But our Red Wings are rolling. They're on a nice little swell at the moment, and if they continue playing like they did on Tuesday - neither the Sharks nor anyone else left in the playoffs should present a problem. That said, we all know that the Wings don't play like that for whole weeks at a time, so consistency is going to be more of a factor as the post-season rolls on. James Howard might be able to turn the series victory into a confidence or swagger to continue backstopping in Calder fashion, and that would be swell. As far as the rest of the team goes, I'm sure you've already read 600 "this guy needs to step up, that guy is good, where did Franzen disappear to" posts, so I won't bore you with that. But considering we may have found some line combos that click - I can't imagine you'll see much change in the lineup until it is proven to not work out West.

Zetterberg, Filppula, and Bertuzzi is your defacto top line. I know the Datsyuk, Holmstrom, Franzen combination is theoretically the top line, but ZFlip'tuzzi is killing it, nearly every shift. Flip seems re-energized. Bertuzzi still sucks but at least he's forechecking and digging along the boards. Zetterberg is Smythey magic.

Datsyuk seems to be waking up, which is swell, and I think Mulo is due for an outbreak. Homer's been juggled around, so maybe he does something that forces Babcock's hand to keep him on the top six.

Dan Cleary doesn't belong on a fourth line, but you can't break up the third when it provides so much possession and effective shutting down. Add Justin Abdelkader's fresh blood to the mix and the forward lines are pretty damn scary. Are they scarier than a Team Canada line the Sharks can roll out? I don't know, but perhaps the depth of the Wings will be a saving grace. Stop me if you've heard that before.

40 Year Old Urgin', Nick Lidstrom had a mini-renaissance in Game 7, though I shutter to think he was actually falling off at all. A pair of goals might be what the doctor ordered to re-align the robot. Making the same goes for Brad "Better Hands on Breakaways than Darren Helm" Stuart will feel the same. I agree with Hollis that Stuart isn't around to score goals and we shouldn't measure the effectiveness of his game by the scoresheet, but for a guy that's been prone to boneheaded plays, maybe he carries his positive thoughts into the next round and does his job and does it well.

I don't know about you, but I'm liking how the Wings stack up against the Sharks. I won't make a prediction, because it gives me agita, but I do feel better about the matchup than I did about Phoenix. I hope that's worth something.

We're off to the Philippines!

2010-04-29T10:52:00.006-04:00

The Wings are stoked to rack up some serious American Advantage miles with this series, which takes us to the Philippines

There have been a handful of surreal happenings over the last month...both on the ice and off...that have made this an odd time here at TPL. The fact that we were playing hockey in April in Phoenix seems...to put it mildly...like the duck billed platypus of first rounds. It's like The Man pulling the strings...and no...not Gary...started with the best of intentions...got halfway into a project... but then lost interest and we were left with Vernon Fiddler.

The question now is...now that it's over...now that we're into the second round...where in the hell do we stand? Going into game seven I was a complete wreck. Both Petrella and I decided to stay off all forms of social media...twitter, wim, even our own late night chat rooms...because we didn't think we could handle the anxiety of seeing the Coyotes score and then the message boards lighting up with "here comes the apocalypse."

That didn't happen though. We came into a tense situation...a heated building stocked with fans who, even if they couldn't break down the dump and chase, sure as hell got loud...and we swiftly twisted our boot over the smoldering end of the Marblboro Menthol that was Phoenix. By the end of that contest, Yobbing.com Arena looked like a Led Zeppelin roadie after a three-night stand at the Oakland Coliseum back in the John Bonahm "sharking" days.

You never know what's going to happen in the first round of the playoffs and the most frequent concern for Wings fans is that while we know how to play "elite hockey"...while we understand how to play "the beautiful game"...sometimes we get all crosswise when some rough and tumble upstart comes along. My gut said going into the PHX series that our third and fourth lines were going to make the difference...that we'd be winning games with workmanlike tallies from Helm and Eaves. That we'd see Millertime. Hank, Pavel? We'd hold their coming out parties for the second round tilt with Chicago or SanJo. This isn't really their bread and butter.

...and all of that pretty much happened...proving how far my mastery of both prognostication and Wings analysis has come.

...hmm...maybe not.

The line of the game came from Versus color man...and a guy I used to watch a lot back when he was doing Stars games...Darryl Reaugh. "The Wings' talent is taking over." It was a concise way to state the obvious. At the end of game seven, the Wings were so outclassing Phoenix you wondered if something inside the PHX locker room had gone terribly wrong...like someone played a bad 80's prank and put Flexall on their jockies. They didn't even belong on the same sheet of ice. It's hard to remember that just two days prior, the Wings were getting blown out of their own building by a similar margin.

As we head into tonight's game...the first of the second round in SanJo...I can't help but feel good about our chances for this one simple reason - while the first round upstarts sometimes go all "midget warrior" and surprise us with something unconventional, the Sharks are a team that plays our kind of hockey. They're OUR kind of crazy and nobody does our kind of crazy like the Wings. This isn't going to be a matchup of Shane Doan ramming the pile against Nick Lidstrom gliding in for a laser slapshot. We're going up against another high octane squad and as we do, I take solace in a few developments from Game Seven.

The first is an obvious one - our best players are playing like it. Hank and Pavel have asserted themselves as 1A and 1B on this team and you could argue that either one could occupy either role. Both play outrageously strong defense and both are firing on all cylinders on offense. We used to try and put Johan in this category. Can't do that any more. Our top tier forwards is a table for two. They've made that clear.

The second is that our defense has foundits stride on the PP. Both units looked incredible on Tuesday. Both were playing at a level I haven't seen out of a Wings special teams unit since Hank was out there against Pittsburgh for an hour and a half on that 5-on-3. The biggest difference for me wasn't so much that we were getting a LOT of traffic in front of the net...or that we were getting to the loose pucks...both significant developments...but rather that our defense seemed to be controlling the tempo of what was happening out there with the man-up. It was bombs away all night from our blueliners, not the least of which was Captain Roboto. If I'm SanJo, I'm very nervous about this development.

Last, this team has found a physical edge. I used to only be able to count on Helm for a nightly glass rattler on the forecheck, but when you look across our third and forth lines, you see physicality all over the place. Eaves, even if he ain't the biggest fella, was finishing his checks and using that speed to pin the Phoenix defensemen deep in their own zone. Ditto Miller...whose vintage moment...I am still convinced...is going to happen at some point. Finally...and certainly not least...huge props to the Gator. Even if he repeatedly got his ass kicked, the kid was dropping the gloves on the regular and if he wasn't, he was taking a page out of Dally Drake's book, running defensemen and making life tough on the bad guys.

The question now...and the one I'm losing sleep over if I'm Todd McLellan...is what happens when the other tubas join this chorus linet? What are you going to do, Todd, when the Mule decides to play up to his pay grade? What happens when Kronner remembers it's playoff time and decapitates one of your pretty little (but still in the minus) horses like Heater or Marleau? What if Bertuzzi finds his swagger and returns to mid-season form? We got through an entire round without hearing a DAMN thing from those guys.

I'm predicting a 6-game win by the Wings. We're going to lose one...and my gut says it will be a truly ugly affair....like, Sunday -at-the-Joe-kinda ugly. ...but that one gaffe won't matter in the long run and neither will the double overtime contest we somehow let slip away. Don't panic when that happens.

Months ago, I was concerned about SanJo and maybe a reasoned man would toss and turn over the emergence of Joey #2. ...but San Jose is running into a team that has found an identity, a spark. They're going to try and come out and beat us at our own game. They're going to try to go Wings crazy on the team that founded the concept. Good fcking luck with that.

The Eastern Conference is Mother Effing Useless

2010-04-28T21:41:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you read my anti-East manifesto at WIM a few weeks ago, and if you did you're familiar with where I stand on the issue. But something so delicious happened tonight that it absolutely cannot go unnoticed.

I want to preface all of this by saying one of my best friends - a guy I've asked to stand up in my wedding - is a big Washington Capitals fan. He grew up in DC, he loved the Caps when they were shitty, and if the Red Wings can't win, I'd like the Caps to win for him. I want him to see some success as a fan in his lifetime. So I don't take any personal joy in the fact that his team just got booted out of the tournament by an 8 seed with a goalie just about no one outside of our tight-knit hockey community has even heard of.

The Leastern Conference has been -- all season -- Totally. Fucking. Worthless. All season long. From October until NOW. I have friends that are Sabres fans, and friends that are Devils fans, and all season I had to listen to noise about the Red Wings being over the hill, finally crashing down to Earth, and having absolutely no chance to appear in the Finals for the third straight year.

Here's what I know to be a fact: my boys are still playing. And yours are exactly where useless minor league teams should be: on the golf course.

You're serious right now? The 6, 7, and 8 seeds won their series? Really? Way to make it tough for the Penguins. They're now the top seed in the second round. A four seed. Re-goddamn-diculous.

What I do take joy in is being so completely and totally right about the East from the very beginning. There's nothing to fear out there. The Penguins are a good hockey club, don't get me wrong. But teams like Washington who spend the whole season beating up on the special education class teams, so I have to believe that even the Penguins stats and success is inflated because of the competition they're facing more often than not.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: whoever comes out of the West sweeps whatever collection of Darryls comes out of the East. If there was a way to win the Cup in three games that's exactly what the West would do.

And that's how that's done.

2010-04-28T08:29:00.000-04:00

Earlier today, Hollis asked me how my gut was leaning. I told him I thought it'd be a close loss - or a blow-out win. My gut got it (mostly) right. What started out as a great Game 7, played really tight and very exciting, turned into a straight-up jailsexing at the big, burly hands of our winged wheelers. Playing the role of prison bitch: the NHL's owned property. I assume they're in the big house for something totally lame like tax evasion or some other fiduciary transgression.

For a minute, I'd like to put aside the complete jackassery of that fanbase (which is sure to continue all goddamn summer with the "if only Shane Doan had played, then you'd be sorry" bullshit), I would like to send some kudos to the Coyotes organization. That's a tough situation those men are playing in -- unsure of their ownership situation, not even sure if they'd be playing home games in Arizona this season -- and they turned in one whole hell of a season. A season that no one expected much from turned into a Cinderella story, and they earned home ice advantage in a tournament that the entire world was convinced they'd miss out on again. I'd been tooting the "Wayne Gretzky's totally fucking useless behind the bench" horn for years, and it turns out some fresh blood behind the bench was certainly helpful. Dave Tippett will be your runaway Jack Adams Trophy winner, and I don't think anyone would argue that selection. Congratulations to the Phoenix Coyotes, and their actual fans.

How about that offensive explosion by the Wings? They looked downright dangerous for nearly the entire game. The power play was as terrifying as I've seen it look since the mid-to-late-90's when it was practically automatic. Whole minors would go by with the puck in the Coyotes zone, crisp passes from tape-to-tape. That looked like a team that could win the whole damn thing. Question is - will that same version show up against San Jose? It's been a long time since the Wings played more than a handful of games in a row like that, so it might be a lot to ask, but I'm asking anyway. If the guys can continue to play how they did tonight, they'll have no issue with San Jose... or Chicago... or Vancouver... or whoever else you got.

Anywho -- as soon as that second Datsyuk goal hit the twine, I knew it was Chicken Dinner. It had that deflating "aw son of a bitch" feel about it, and Bryzgalov - as good as he is - wears his emotion on his sleeve and my shoulders slumped I could so easily feel his brain.

That said, Ilya Bryzgalov scares the hell out of me. I'm very pleased he's been dispatched. Earlier in the game, I was e-mailing with Disch and said that for as good as the Red Wings looked, Bryzgalov looked even better. He had that "you aren't going to beat me" feel about him early in the game, and I was sure that Johan Franzen flub on the open net was going to come back to haunt us. Thankfully, it didn't, but while we're on the subject of Johan Franzen, what the hell happened? Wasn't he like uber-playoff guy? As far as I'm concerned, all that means is that he's due for a massive round of post-season hockey. Watch out, Evgeni.

Anyone who comes around here knows that I've already admitted I was wrong about J.T. Howard IV. But homeboy lets in some of the weakest goals in recent Red Wings goaltending history. At least act like you're paying goddamn attention during the faceoff. Admittedly, I didn't see the goal either because I wasn't watching the faceoff. But I'm not getting paid 750k to watch the motherfrakking faceoff. I promise, Detroit Red Wings, if you want to pay me a bill to watch the faceoffs, I'll be able to tell you what color each person on the other team's laces are. Nevertheless, congratulations on a first series victory. That's gotta be a good feeling for a guy playing a position that is notoriously picked on by fans, and a situation under which you're totally expected to deliver this outcome. Those aren't easy parameters to play under, but Tiberius officially has as many playoff series victories as Bryzgalov...or Tim Thomas. Your (likely) two last Vezina winners.

I've said it in this space before, but the Wings are a team that personifies the "killing a five on three and turning it into a goal." This time, it was Brad Stuart (!) coming out of the box, nearly #Eavesing himself, and burying a quasi-breakaway with five seconds left in the second period. I'll always believe that the team killing a big penalty will benefit greater than a team scoring on one, and for the second time this post-season, it was a million percent true.

Nice to see Todd Bertuzzi get on the scoreboard. It'd only been -- what -- six months? Actually, it had been one goal in fifteen games. What I know for sure: he sure as hell didn't hit twenty this season. Including the post-season. All jokes aside, that "SecONEd L1ne" is fantastic. Simply fantastic. Valtteri Filppula has found his place - and it's along side Hank Zunderful. And, despite my feelings on Flirtuzzi, he complements what the more skilled players do. Along the same lines, pulling Cleary off of that top line was a wise choice, as Homer being reunited with original top-liners Johan Franzen and Pavel Datsyuk created some magic. Perhaps it wasn't Homer's doing, but they did net a pair and that isn't ain't not bad, no sir.

So what's protocol on facial hair that isn't beards? Like... I'm Italian, so I have a mean unibrow if I don't pluck that shit. Is that allowed or am I going all Bert-from-Sesame-Street until we're all done? Further, are haircuts allowed? I'll be uploading a progress photo on Beard-a-Thon this week, as promised. I'm currently sitting in fifth, and I'm fortunate to work in an industry that honestly doesn't frown upon any sort of appearance oddities.

Finally, a note about Nicklas Lidstrom. He may not have gotten nominated for the Norris for the forty third consecutive year, but I dare you to tell me there's a better defenseman on the planet. You can't do it. Yeah, it's totally chic to talk about how he's lost a step or how he's not what he used to be. But 40% Lidstrom is better than 100% Almost Anyone Else, and he sure as hell ain't 40%. He's forty today (happy birthday, Captain), and his two goals in Game 7 were prime examples of what a leader does when there's a big game to be played. Good on him for shutting everyone up.

And now we're going going... back to back... to Cali Cali.

When the limelight hits ya, lyrics just split ya head so hard thatcha hat can't fit ya.

Photo Credit: Christian Petersen, Getty Images

Game 7's aren't my friends

2010-04-25T17:00:00.000-04:00

FINAL SCORE (Hi Dad!)
5-2 Phoenix

TPL'S TAKE
From now on, I'm going to devote as much effort to these things as the Red Wings do. So, for today, I'll spend a good twenty or so minutes on the first half of the game before letting it fall apart completely.

In the first period, there were two parties that wanted this series to end TODAY: Valtteri Filppula and the Phoenix Coyotes. Flip looked like he was shot out of a cannon from the puck drop, and the Coyotes couldn't stop taking dumbass penalties. Three quick infractions, including two separate 5 on 3's (one of which was only a second long), and things looked pretty good for the Wings. A goal was scored and it was 1-0.

Oh wait a second...it was a shorthanded goal. That's not good at all. It was Phoenix's first shot on goal, and it was a fairly weak goal for Tiberius to give up. If you're looking for someone else to blame (and I know you are), go ahead and throw Brad Stuart's name into the mix, as he's still playing like it's Game 7 of the Finals with his incessant turnovers. I'm beginning to think he's sexually attracted to giving the puck to the opponent.

At the end of twenty, even with the Wings down 1-0, it was clear they were the better team. They may not have had the better goaltender through one period, but they were out-hitting, out-skating, out-passing, out-shooting, and out-smarting the Coyotes.

The second period started with a make-up call putting Phoenix on the power play. No big deal, since the Wings have killed 18 straight penalties since Game 1, right? But notable Michigan Jewish Sports Hall of Fame inductee (no bullshit...look it up) Mathieu Schneider quarterbacked his team to a 2-0 lead. Later in the period, the Coyotes would capitalize on another power play on the back of a weak make-up call. Phoenix had all three first period penalties. The Wings had all four second period penalties. It's totally likely that only one team was committing infractions for twenty minutes at a time. Totally likely.

Things only got worse, and the one other goal the Wings did score was reviewed (shocked...SHOCKED I tell you) before officially counting. Justin Abdelkader was a man possessed today, eventually dropping the gloves (and getting his ass kicked) twice (a better effort on the second). Setting the tone, perhaps. The classiness of Phoenix continued as the game ended, as Sami "Valterri Filppula's Best Friend" Lepisto chopped Darren Helm in the calf, and then the Coyotes celebrated around the injured Wing.

If you take one positive from this experience, let it be this: Mike Serven and I are coordinating a way to get the Shirtuzzi to Phoenix before Tuesday on the off-chance Serven bumps into Todd again. I can't imagine anything more awesome than the Shirtuzzi signed by that fucker. I'd cherish it forever.

Photo Credit: Gregory Shamus, Getty Images

My high school gets something right. Finally.

2010-04-25T14:05:00.015-04:00

So...immediately following Game 5, I wrote an in-depth post, more or less catching up on everything I'd missed the last three weeks. And then Blogger ate it. I was mighty angry something fierce, so I stepped away from TPL for another two days because - seriously - I damn near chucked this thing out the damn window.

But, I've calmed down to a (maybe) six on the hate level (it's as low as I get), and want to share something with you. I'm a tiny bit late with the announcement, as I've been trying how best to frame it. If you're not familiar with Fox Sports Net's series REPLAY, here's the gist: Gatorade re-stages classic American high school sports contests -- usually that were forfeited or canceled for some reason.

The new season, which begins airing in May, will feature two Michigan high school hockey teams - one of which is my alma mater - from a game in 1999 - the year I was a junior.

Detroit Catholic Central and Trenton High School were tied 4-4 in the third period of a February game when an errant skate slashed Trenton player Kurt LaTarte's jugular. I wasn't involved in the game, but I remember it vividly - it was my understanding that a doctor was in the stands, saw that he was in trouble, hopped over the glass and stabilized him with his bare hands until proper medical attention could literally save his life on the ice.

Make no mistake: I disliked most everything there was (and probably still is) about CC. Never, in a million years, would I have imagined they'd take part in something like this. Good on them for giving these guys a chance to finish what they started. The majority of the players in royal blue and white are friends of mine. Friends that I may have lost touch with, but friends nonetheless. Below, there's a link to the trailer - please check it out and watch the series when it airs.

The two squads are going to be coached by some guys you may have heard of. Behind the bench for Trenton will be Brendan Shanahan. Coaching my alma mater, Scotty Bowman. It's been ten years since I graduated, but this is the thing I'm most proud of featuring my former school.

Click here to go to Gatorade's site and watch the trailer.

Photo Credit: Ed Zylik

Wings in 7

2010-04-22T12:48:00.004-04:00

Last night, while talking with Andy from Fight Night, Ellen from BRM, Saler from OTW and the consummate master of ceremonies, Bearded Hollis, for the latest episode of TOV, we got into our first round predictions. I'm not going to spoil the show (for once) by leaking everyone's picks in advance of the audio release, but I thought it was worth going on the record here to discuss my own prognostications.

I want to tell you this is going to be easy. I want to put my hand on the small of your back...pat your belly a bit...give you a popsicle and say that this series will close out with the Wings clinching at home on Sunday. ...but I can't. I can't sit here on the opposing barstool and tell you this is done in 2. I can't look into your big, sexy brown eyes and promise you that come Monday, we'll be sitting back and watching how the other series sort out...gauging who we'd ideally want to play, laughing at the little people.

...

Wings in 7. I feel damn good about this. Why seven?

I maintain that the Wings are just too much for the Yotes. While I admire what they've done out there in the desert building a franchise, the Yotes will always be the ABOVE GROUND POOL of hockey teams to me. Functionally, they have all the right components and in a way...just as I would if Johnny installed an above-grounder at his new house...you have to feel good about them. There is progress. There is investment. They're making an effort...making this "house a home."

...but there is just something about above ground pools...and Phoenix hockey...that I can't get behind. Resume wise, it makes sense. It's a big ass jug of water - just like the real pools! Go to the store...get that twack of Miller Easy...call up that girl you always wanted to see in a bikini and jump in, right? You deserve it!

Actually, NO. Not right. Not right at all. Those things are fcking nasty...they look about as natural as Shane Doan at a MENSA gathering...and anyone swimming in one will eventually fear that moment where the fasteners come loose on the pool frame and you get a mini polar ice cap melting simulation in your backyard. I saw it happenh in Bad Boys II when Marcus tied the dog up to the pool frame. It's not pretty. Just trust me on this...or go rent BBII.

On a similar note, while the Coyotes have everything in place to make a run, I don't see it happening. Maybe it's a personal thing. Maybe there was once a girl from Arizona who completely blew me off...after I did everything right...buying her flowers and slapping her ass...and she still gave me "the heisman." To me though, Phoenix and hockey...and especially hockey in May...they don't mix. PHX hockey is a matter of convenience. It's a Thursday night diversion. Right now, I picture fans all across that soulless, cookie cutter city scouring the internet for explanations on icing and offsides so that they can sound smart around that three-day-old pot of coffee in the office kitchen with their fellow underachieving colleagues.

What is the dump and chase, you ask Phoenix? Wait...you don't understand what that PPG stat means on the box score? Go fuck yourself. Go back to watching the Suns score 175 points every game and still sucking in the playoffs. Go back to your fake tanning beds, your chain stores and your shitty excuse for Mexican food. You know you didn't belong here anyway. Let's stop pretending.

(deep breath)

All that said, I don't think PHX will make this easy on us. They're going to win one more game just to spite me...personally...and I'm saying that happens Friday night. They're going to make this messy. Messy like a bathroom stall in Desperado. Messy like a 15 year old set of poorly done set of breast implants.

In the end though, it's Wings in seven. Someone...mark my words...is going to come out of the woodwork and make a mark on this series in these last 3 games. Someone whose lack of contribution to this point hasn't killed us, but who we're going to need if we get to 16. If I were a betting man, I'd say it's the Mule. You can't keep a good woman down...you don't tug on superman's cape...you don't spit in the wind...and if you're PHX, you better not nap on The Johan. Game 6, he comes out of his slumber. He pots 3 over the last 3 games and adds some legit angst to the question of which line...really...is our 1A. Right now, it ain't his.

I also think that one of the "What's The Holdup" contract-less kids...Eaves or Miller...will do something monstrous. Something like The Shift. Something that elevates the tone and tempo of this series. Is it a fight to close out game 5 that sparks the team to a 2-game tear? Is it a late shot block leading to a breakaway GWG in game 7? I guess we'll have to wait and see...

For now, I'm out of here. I'm off to New Orleans for my annual Jazz Fest trip...off to an 8-hour trip in the Chevy...to a land of wonder, soul, cigarettes, brass bands and late night cocktails. Per usual, the universe is conspiring to screw me out of seeing another playoff game while I'm down there so I leave you in the capable hands of Officer (and gentleman) Petrella. Rest assured though, come Sunday, I'll be dialing in on the XM en route back to Austin...risking life, limb and the safety of smaller sedans around me as I drive and live-tweet my way back home.

Three more to go. Two more to win.

This Just In: Jimmy Howard does NOT blow

2010-04-21T11:59:00.000-04:00

I don't want to step on Disch's toes, who did an awesome recap (per usual), but I do want to share a few quick notes regarding last night's Game 4 victory over the Phoenix Coyotes. The Coyotes most definitely poked the bear last night, and not only did he steal their pic-a-nic basket, he went all Kung Fu Panda on them.

First of all, I don't ever want to hear anyone dismiss the power of momentum after a strong penalty kill. Ever again. Never. If last night wasn't picture proof of a once-shorthanded-team-killing-a-five-on-three-and-then-jailsexing-the-once-man-advantaged-team, there never will be. The kill was FANTASTIC last night - a marked improvement from Game 1 when it was god-awful.

There was some line juggling of note -- Homer to the fours and Dan Cleary to a scoring line -- but what might be most important of all that is this: the second line of Henrik Zetterberg, Todd Burptuzzi, and Valtteri Filppula WORKS. They are phenomenal together (evidenced by Z leading the NHL in goals this post-season), and splitting them up would be lunacy. Likewise, the Eaves-Draper-Helm line works, too. Perhaps Helm needed a little something something to get going, which he did (ask homeboy that got straight gangsta-beat at the goal line).

Early in the first period, Drew Miller and Vernon "Deliverance" Fiddler had some words and continued to exchange pleasantries from the penalty boxes. This is one of those opportunities where the refs should have let them go and gotten it over with. No, it didn't carry over into anything later in the game, but it COULD have and that might have been devastating to either team -- getting retribution on guys that don't particularly play like that (say...Drew Miller or, I dunno, Steve Moore).

What's with all the goddamn video reviews? Grow a sack and make a call (the right one...which might be too much to ask of this collection of Gumps). Furthermore, and we've brought it up a half dozen times here before, but something's gotta be done about the way officiating goes. There needs to be a clear hierarchy (containing personnel not at all affiliated with any individual team, Mike Murphy) that decides how things unfold if there's a dispute. Instead, you're stuck with the "overruled by a linesman, and then overruled by Toronto, who was then overruled by the far referee" bullhonky we currently have.

Finally, anyone who's questioned J.T. Howard at any point - but particularly since the playoffs began - should be ashamed of themselves. You seriously weren't impressed with his play all season? Do you mean the season where he'll - at least - be nominated for the Calder and has gotten some Hart consideration? Is that the season you mean? Well, whatever you were smoking on 4/20 got the attention of Tiberius who laid the equivalent of a steamy dook on your front lawn.

Instant React: Do me, Hank

2010-04-20T21:10:00.003-04:00

Well that was pretty fucking awesome. 3-0 Wings. Shutout for Tiberius. Two goals from Hank The Gentle Lover and another from Pavel.

Earlier today, we threw a picture of one Abbey Clancy on the site and I don't want to say that this picture single-handedly brought the game home for the Wings tonight, but I wouldn't argue with a man who did. You see, that shot of Abbey, it wasn't just some crude gesture. It wasn't just an excuse for me to cruise the internet for pics of underclothed women. It was a preview.

Go ahead. Look back at that picture. What do you see? What's the first thing you notice?

(seriously...go ahead...we don't mind)

The tittie. That little bit of breast poking out from under the shirt. Tonight, the Wings flashed a little hoot. They primed the pump for the next few games. They didn't rip the shirt entirely off, but they showed us...reminded us...what they're capable of. They reminded us of their sex appeal. They seemed to whisper...it's ok...papa's here...and it's all going to be alright.

A few (more) nonsensical thoughts...

Have you seen the Wings play a more physical game...ever? The Helm hit on Michalek was out of this world. I can't believe the crowd didn't tip over the Joe when that happened, but by the end of the game, that place was rocking so I forgive. While the forecheck was going crazy, I thought the tone was set by our defensemen...guys like Kronner taking shots at PHX forwards coming out of their own zone like a some bantam youngster with his head down. By the end of the game, the physicality had taken its toll. It was affecting how they set up rushes and carried plays through center ice. I actually saw Derek Morris stop dead in his tracks when he noticed Helmer bearing down. Boner.

I was POSITIVE that first goal was in...but after further review...and after a great explanation from Ken to start the second...I understand that they made the right call. This doesn't in any way change my opinion of NHL officiating...but for once, they got it right.

The PK was insane tonight. Aggressive...even when we were down 5-3...pressing the angles...winning the battles in the corners. Can't help but wonder what it would have been like in game one if we would have been hitting on all cylinders like tonight on the man down.

The PP was dangerous all night. The biggest difference between now and a few months ago when we couldn't generate a damn thing on that unit is that we're gaining the zone easier. I credit this to us splitting up Pavel and Hank onto two seperate units. Just my take, but those two are just so strong on the puck. They're getting in any time they want (that's what she said) and dumping the puck to the defensemen and the biggs who are doing what they do best...putting it on net and crashing.

Tiberius answered the bell tonight. I openly speculated on Casey's WIM pregame that if he sucked it up in the first, he would get the hook early and we'd be looking at another ass-clenching playoffs with Ozzie in net. No sir. Instead, he found his groove early and by mid second period he was making the kind of saves that you need to make to keep a close game from getting out of hand. He was out challenging. He looked 7 feet tall...as he tends to when he's playing well. The play where his lid got knocked off...I was hoping that was the moment where he settled in...gained a real sense of identity in this series. We'll see if he can duplicate the effort in game 5...but so far...so good young man.

Two short personnel notes
Patty Eaves...I'm waiting. I'm waiting for something brilliant.
Homer...not sure why he's on a lower line, but after the work Dan Cleary put in tonight, it's hard to say he was misplaced out there.

Needed this one, boys. Needed it bad.

Hot Chick Hockey Picks: Abbey Clancy

2010-04-20T13:50:00.001-04:00

Name
Abbey Clancy

Profession
Permanently occupying the cover of FHM

Where we found her
Peeking through the window into my shower.

Favorite Wing...and why
I could really go for a Mulestache ride right about now.

(Take a number, Abbey!)

Asking price to have a lesbian encounter with the Shetuzzi?
I don't bang out with anything less than a first liner.

Biggest concern against the Coyotes?
I worry that their ability to control the neutral zone is going to force us into a dump/chase style and that over time this will wear down some of our forwards who are better suited for puck possession. They remind me a bit of the 1995 Devils...trapping and relying on strong goaltending. Obviously, that didn't work out so well for the Wings.

If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Dumb question.

Michael told me to ask that.
Sure he did.

Are you wearing rocket ship underwear?
I'm leaving.

OK, OK...So how often do you read TPL?
It's my go-to reading when I get on the can.

Wait...I thought girls didn't do that...
The pregames in particular...they're just the right length for a morning plop.

Plop? Really?
I'm English. It's very common over in Europe for women to discuss this kind of stuff openly.

How far do you think the Wings can go in the playoffs this year?
As far as their goaltending will take them.

Where did you get that savvy hockey analysis, off a Cracker Jack box?
I got it from Barry Melrose.

That's fair. What do you think about a grown man with the nickname "Breezy?"
That's gay

Has anyone ever told you that you have crazy eyes?
No, they're usually too busy staring at my tits.

Any closing thoughts on Phoenix?
It reminds me of Detroit, but without the Greek food and a reliable fresh water source.

For now, the bear

2010-04-20T11:33:00.003-04:00

After a weekend in the Hill Country seeing longtime FOP (friend of the program) Johnny Disch happily hitched, I return to hockey-dom to find the place in a bit of chaos. The floors are all sticky. The counters are a mess. The trashcan is overflowing. One of the windows is open and letting out all the air conditioning. My couch is somewhere out next to the fire pit in the back yard.

I didn't see any of games 2 and 3. Didn't even get any mid-game updates from Petrella. I was alone, rudderless, frolicking all jailsexed and hockeyless from rehearsal dinner open bars to wedding ceremonies. That's what happens when you're playing the role of (pre-jetwash) Goose to your brother's Mav in a land with no cell phone reception...a land where uttering Versus conjures up more images of Baptist hymnals than left wing locks.

As I pull my truck in the metaphorical driveway and put the key in the door, the overwhelming feeling I get from the Wings congregation is one of speculative doubt. There is concern. There is a sense of "what if..."

What if we drop another game and go down 3-1?
What if Tiberius comes out flat and Babs gives him the hook?
What if the snakes rally around this Doan-less plot twist and manage to beat us without him?

It's a dark path, but it's one we have to go down. Rather than get into the details though...rather than engaging in "smart hockey talk"...I offer the metaphor of the bear. And no, this isn't a "Loins" Cleary reference.

You see, for the first two games, the bear was sleepy. The bear didn't want to play. He wanted to rest. The bear...he's seen this story before...the playoffs...the upstart newbie roaming the hills...this newest threat to the wizened bear. He's not impressed and he's not concerned. Without question, that lack of concern...that tact of non-engagement...it cost the bear...dearly. The bear slept through game one. During game two, he became annoyed with these flies buzzing around him...disturbing his slumber...and mid-slumber he swatted this nuisance away...but he was sloppy in the effort. He still wasn't awake. He still wasn't engaged...and in game three, it came crashing down.

The problem for this latest challenger is that they went too far. They should have left the bear alone...let him sleep...slowly ambled by...but they didn't. They kept poking the bear and as they did, they began to underestimate to bear...began to forget what the bear is capable of.

My gut says that right now, the bear is angry. The bear has had enough. The bear knows that with one swipe of the paw it can dismiss this threat...this proverbial mosquito in his ear. The bear recognizes that he need only commit to being the bear to make this happen.

We aren't going to be the bear in every series this year. There are things happening in other series...particularly out in LA...that make me think I'll be scrambling for a different metaphor in a week or so when we move on. But for now, we are. I thought it during game one and I remain committed to the thought that this team...this bear...it is too much for the Coyotes. There is too much talent, too much experience, too savvy a coach to see this slip away from us.

The tactician in me wants to ramble on about what happens if we go down 3-1 in this series, but the realist in me knows I don't have to...because that isn't going to happen. This team was built as well as any we've had in recent history to go the distance in the playoffs. We've forged an identity through the cold long winter that was the regular season and, groggy or not, I believe we're ready to assert ourselves.

I can't tell you exactly where this surge will come from, but at some point tonight someone is going to drag this bear out of hibernation. My gut says that it's going to be the Mule...and that he will lead this charge by elevating his play to a level we've yet seen. I see the giant Swede bullying people around...charging to the net...cashing in on the hard work from his fellow linemates and heads up defensemen. Someone has to sound the bell and I can't think of a better man than The Johan.

Arizona curly fries NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

2010-04-18T11:22:00.005-04:00

My beard is kicking this guy's beard's ASS.

Final Score (Hi Dad!)

SEVEN to 4, Wings. Series tied 1-1.

Disch missed all eleven goals on account of he was taking part in the rehearsal dinner of our number one fan - and as of this writing, there's a new member to the Discher clan (like, legally. I'm sure she's been a part of the family for quite some time).

So what'd Disch miss? Oh not much... five goals scored in under four minutes, a back-and-forth battle all night, curly fries for Z'berg, Gator kicking Willi Vanilli in the sack, and Shane Doan flat out jazzin' in his huggies.

Jimmy Howard left a little to be desired. He's currently sporting a GAA of about 3.50. But guess what... Ilya "Vezina" Bryzgalov is carrying a 4.50.

And the ratio of octopi to snakes is like 4:1 right now. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure there were more hats on the ice for Zetterberg's hat trick than there have been plastic reptiles.

SUCK IT, GLENDALE.

Justin Abdelkader ran over everything that wore an ugly brownish maroon color, and had his efforts rewarded with a goal. The sigh you might have heard came from Jason Williams, who knew - at that moment - his career as a Red Wing had come to an end. Say hi to Brad May for me, Willi!

You know who rocks? Valtteri Filppula. That's who.

You know who else rocks? Dena, Krononymous, and Jennbikegirl who have combined to pledge $100 to my facial hair at Beard-a-Thon. I can't promise Wookie noises (I've never been a good impressionist), but I promise to upload photos showing progress when there's something to show. I'm $22 behind Hollis, which - in addition to the great view - isn't a bad spot to sit. The fact that two of us are in the Top Ten money-raisers already is something we can all be proud of. Way to go (again), Hockeytown!

WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?

Wings and Coyotes. Game 3. Sunday. 3pm.

WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?

With home-ice advantage now in hand, the Wings return to the Joe for Game 3. Both TPL Mom and TPL Dad will be there. No word yet on which is going to be more obnoxious to Coyotes fans. Oh, who are we kidding... there aren't any of those aside from the eleven who just learned they have a team down there.

SERIES HERO

Henrik Zetterberg fed me Arby's today. That counts.

THE GOAT

Jason Williams. Fair or not, the Wings were 0-1 WITH HIM and are 1-0 without. Ignore the fact that all three goals against in Game 1 were on the kill and he doesn't play a man down. Shhhhh... ignorance.

BREWING VILLAIN

Shane Doan, despite his covetiness, is an annoying little son of a bitch.

EXPECTED LINEUP

Franzen -- Datsyuk -- Holmstrom

Bertuzzi -- Zetterberg -- Filppula

Eaves -- Helm -- Loins

Miller -- Draper -- Abdelkader

Lidstrom -- Rafalski

Kronwall -- Stuart

Ericsson -- Lilja

Howard (starting)

Osgood

Scratch

Brett "Fastlove" Lebda

Derek "FREEDOM!" Meech

Jason "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" Williams

Injuries

Kirk "Heal the Pain" Maltby

Honorable Mentions

Nicklas "Father Figure" Lidstrom

Henrik "I Want Your Sex" Zetterberg

Henrik "It's Cold Out There, But It's Warm in Bed" Zetterberg

James "Faith" Howard

Chris "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" Osgood

Valtteri "Everything She Wants" Filppula

Mike "Jesus to a Child" Babcock

Niklas "You Put the Boom Boom Into My Heart" Kronwall

Darren "You Sent My Soul So High" Helm

Dan "When Your Lovin' Starts" Cleary

Tomas "A Jitterbug Into My Brain" Holmstrom

Pavel "It Goes a Bang Bang Bang" Datsyuk

Justin "Til My Feet Do The Same" Abdelkader

Todd's Corner

Todd "I'm Never Gonna Dance Again" Bertuzzi

Todd "Guilty Feet Have Got No Rhythm" Bertuzzi

Todd "Though It's Easy to Pretend" Bertuzzi

Todd "I Know You're Not a Fool" Bertuzzi

Todd "Should Have Known Better Than To Cheat a Friend" Bertuzzi

Todd "And Waste This Chance That I've Been Given" Bertuzzi

QUICK THOUGHTS

1. If Henrik Zetterberg goes curly again, I'll make love to the television.

2. Okay, that's gross, and I'm sorry. Wham! does that to me. If I'm caught once, I won't do it again, though. I'm looking at you, George.

3. I don't think we've seen the best of James T. Howard in this series yet.

4. At the same time, we may have seen the best of the Yotes.

5. Have you ever seen the Wake Me Up video? It's quite possibly the gayest thing that's ever been put on celluloid. And I've seen In & Out.

6. Man, you're learning an awful lot about me today, aren't you? He humps TVs, he knows a shit-ton about George Michael, he saw In & Out... I'm an open book, people. Learn to love it.

7. If I continued in this vein throughout the playoffs, would you post deep, dark secrets of yours in the comments? That might be worth it.

WHAT WE LEARNED in Game 2

If the Wings score five or more, they SHOULD be okay.

Apr 16 :: DO YOU WANNA JUMP?!

2010-04-16T12:06:00.000-04:00

Between Disch and I, which one is Riggs?

WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?

Wings and Coyotes. Game 2. Friday, 10pm in the real time zone. Other times elsewhere.

WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?

Detroit tries to rastle home ice away -- heading to Detroit with the series tied 1-1 would make it a best of five, with three of those games taking place at the Joe. As fans of a five seed, we should be happy to have that opportunity. But as Red Wings fans, we might set Glendale on fire anyway.

SERIES HERO

So far, Nicklas Lidstrom's been the man: scoring a goal that would make professional croquet player blush. Are there professional croquet players? I smell a sitcom if there are two - one is white and suicidal and the other is a black family man.

THE GOAT

The penalty kill.

BREWING VILLAIN

Shane Doan is Enemy Number One. So sayeth Casey.

EXPECTED LINEUP

Franzen -- Datsyuk -- Holmstrom

Bertuzzi -- Zetterberg -- Filppula

Eaves -- Helm -- Loins

Miller -- Draper -- Abdelkader

Lidstrom -- Rafalski

Kronwall -- Stuart

Ericsson -- Lilja

Howard (starting)

Osgood

Scratch

Brett "I Can't Afford That, Not on My Salary" Lebda

Derek "Last Night I Cried in Bed" Meech

Jason "I DON'T WANT TO WORK WITH YOU!" Williams

Injuries

Kirk "Out. Of. Commission." Maltby

Honorable Mentions

Niklas "Albino Jackrabbit Son of a Bitch" Kronwall
Nicklas "I Was Driving Before You Were an Itch in Your Daddy's Pants" Lidstrom
Brad "Boom! Still Alive" Stuart
Pavel "The Three Stooges Are on in Twenty Minutes" Datsyuk
Henrik "All Dressed Up And No One to Blow" Zetterberg
Darren "Anyone Who Drives Around This Town Is Suicidal" Helm
Chris "I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit" Chelios
Chris "Get That Shit Off My Lawn" Chelios
Sergei "Mind if I Test Drive Your Audi" Fedorov
Todd's Corner

Todd "God Hates Me. That's What It Is" Bertuzzi
Todd "I Never Forget An Asshole" Bertuzzi
Todd "When He Smiles, I Can See Through His Head" Bertuzzi
Todd "Well I Haven't Killed You Yet" Bertuzzi
Todd "You're Not Trying to Draw Psycho Pension, You Are Crazy" Bertuzzi

QUICK THOUGHTS

1. Score on power plays. Defend on penalty kills. Step one.
2. Get to the net.
3. Get them away from yours.
4. Win the battles along the boards.
5. They always fuck you at the drive-thru.

WHAT WE LEARNED in Game 1

Special teams won't do it for ya.

Snakes STILL weren't tossed

2010-04-15T09:51:00.001-04:00

So, this is where you can usual rely on seeing some hot lady-type (or, occasionally, man-type) action after a Wings loss, but since Andy flat out stole that idea -- and used the same gal, no less -- we're left with that jumbled mess above.

On to things that matter...

The Wings blew two leads on the way to a 3-2 loss in Game 1 against the Coyotes. All three Phoenix goals came on the power play, which was a juxtaposition from the post-Olympic Wings special teams, which have been phenomenal. I blame Brad McCrimmon. Because that's what we do around here.

Jimmy Howard played fairly well, and composed, in his post-season debut, but he was out-goaltended (is that a term?) by Ilya Bryzgalov. We all knew that the Yotes tender was the player to beat this series, and he showed us why - despite what Tyler described as the one of the weakest goals of all time off of the stick of Tomas Holmstrom. For the record, Disch called this goal - almost verbatim. Dude played out of his mind - which is becoming a theme in Wings playoff series.

Darren Helm played the first half of the game like it was the '08 or '09 playoffs: as if he was shot out of a damn cannon and was told his mother would be killed if he didn't make contact with all five Coyotes in a shift. I have to wonder how long it is until Justin Abdelkader enters the lineup. There were a handful of useless players -- particularly on the kill -- that he could easily replace in this lineup. The only way the PK could have been worse is if they allowed a goal EIGHT seconds into a power play, as opposed to the nine last night. As soon as Nik Kronwall was called for hooking at the beginning of the third period, Hollis says to me via G-Chat "here goes the game." And he was right.

There was a grand total of ONE shitty snake. The ratio of out-of-state-fans-strapping-dead-slimy-sea-creatures-to-themselves to locals-ponying-up-nine-cents was 1:1. Way to go, Arizona.

I'm convinced that Henrik Zetterberg is (still) injured. He just doesn't have that fire in his ass. There was a moment in the third period that he probably could have gotten to a loose puck before Phoenix, but he stayed stiff, like he was spasming. We all know he has back issues, and I bet you anything that he's ginger from the grind of the season and/or an injury we don't know about.

Finally, the blown high-sticking call on Nicklas Lidstrom. Yes, the refs missed one. We all know that. But shut up about it. The athlete in me is forced to say that you shouldn't put yourself in a position to be beaten by a blown call, a non-call, or anything that anyone can do that's out of your own control - which includes the referees. There would be no vast conspiracy if the Red Wings cared enough to play three whole periods of hockey or successfully kill a penalty. It's shitty -- but that's sports. If you only play enough to stay sort of in the game until the final two minutes, you didn't play hard enough.

Excuse the relative absence. Hoping things calm down a bit over here.

After one period of playoff hockey...

2010-04-14T22:55:00.003-04:00

Will we be doing recaps after every period of playoff hockey here at TPL? Absolutely not, but the first 20 minutes of playoffs are a unique time...like the first time your kid rides a bike...or comes home after 3 AM. I wouldn't know what any of that's really like because I'm not a dad...at least I don't think so...but the point stands: 20 minutes in, we know something about this team, this series.

The Snake tried to come out and push us around. Tried to hold us down...treat us like a bunch of kids who ended up in the wrong halfcourt game of jailyard...jailsexed...roundball. Try harder. You think you can shove this Wings crew around? After everything that happened this season? Get a hold of yourself.

The known knowns...

Homer is the best player on the ice as far as I'm concerned. You could give this award to Nick because he scored...and he does 1,000 things that you never notice...but to me, Homer is the tone setter out there for us. He's back to looking like a bull dozer...crashing the net, digging for the tough pucks, generally being reckless. You have to love that he scored a goal from the blueline. That gets a collective WTF from the entire Wings fanbase, but we love it. And for the record, I called that he'd pot one from outside his office at the start of the game...but that bravado...it's better placed elsewhere.

The Wings in general are having their way with this one. We're getting all kinds of shots on Bres'oihhj['8ha;f..or however you spell that. We look up to the physical challenge and Jimmy is holding his ground. He hasn't been outrageous, but he's been good enough. He had some statement saves early that lowered my blood pressure from "John Candy" level back down to "Richard Pryor at 10 AM."

Prediction...

Drew Miller is going to do something big this series that endears him to the fanbase in a lasting sense. Maybe he pulls off a STATE version of The Shift, maybe he gets into a fight with some goon who's been pushing around our prettiest horses. Just watch. This is going to happen. He's already getting chippy out there and my best guess is that one of these games he goes the distance for the #9 Hat Trick.

Bertuzzi is going to do something awesome this series. Will he do a million things that make us pull our hair out? Absolutely. But I bet he has one of those moments where he does something completely retarded...and you're screaming for him to just dish the puck to Z and head to the net...and then like transvestite magic, the puck is in the back of the net. Feel free to hold me to that.

Quick thoughts...

#Beatthesnake is hillarious. This is one of those things that I'm sure everyone knew about before tonight...and I'm the last man on the planet to find out. I care not. That's GOLD, Jerry...GOLD!

I respect the white out. It's a poor man's version of what happens at Penn State...which I think is insane and I secretely admire. As a non Big Ten guy, I can say stuff like that.

Whoa, he's alive?

2010-04-14T17:19:00.000-04:00

Yup. Yup I am.

I've just been busy shaving. I'm no Malik or Hollis, but I had a nice little shrubbery thing going on -- but, as is customary in the Petrella household (for me... my fiancee is naturally facially hairless, worry not), I shaved through that chin mane the night before the post-season begins. As a result, I look no less that 12 years younger. I got carded in the elevator on the way to the office today when security realized it wasn't Take Your Son to Work Day.

Speaking of which, I've joined the Beard-A-Thon again. Long story short, you can pledge my beard-to-be, 50 cents a day or something...I haven't uploaded a picture yet, but I'll try my best to keep the photos current so you can track it. Last year I went all 58 days from the start of the playoffs to Game 7. The result... not so pretty:

Pictured at Game 7: TPL Mom and Chewbacca

While we're on the subject of gearing up for the playoffs, I received an email from Nicole Yelland at the Wings, asking us to spread the word for the official viewing party for Game 2:

The "Official" Red Wings Away Game Viewing Party

Game 2 vs. Phoenix, Friday, April 16th, 10:00pm

The Post Bar in Ferndale

22828 Woodward Avenue

Ferndale, MI 48220

In addition to gettin' your watch/cheer on, there will be free Red Wings promotional items (I'm told replica Todd Bertuzzi teeth) for all fans in attendance, a Wing alumnus will be on hand to sign autographs, and there are Hockeytown-themed games and trivia. Should be an awesome time and I wish I could be there.

One more quick note: I missed the latest release of the Obstructed View podcast. Episode 15 features host/studmuffin Chris Hollis, Winging it's Casey, RWG's Joe Burkel, and Snipe Dangle's Kris. Also, head over to TOV's home to check out all of our playoff picks, where you'll learn that Rob and I both picked Nashville to beat Chicago. SUCK IT HAWKS.

Hot Chick Hockey Picks

2010-04-14T11:45:00.004-04:00

Editor's Note: As part of our push to "scorch the man-kini off your hairy Seattle ass" (looking at you, Hollis) and really blow things out of the water for the playoffs, TPL has scoured the globe for the hottest hockey she-fans on the planet. Each smoking hot chick will answer a series of introspective, brutally digging questions about upcoming playoff tilts, their experiences to date with TPL and a handful of wild cards...because just like in the real world, we got to keep our schniz unpredictable to reel in the talent.

Name
Cassandra

Profession
waitress, aspiring actress

Where we found her
At an "executive conference center" in North Dallas

Favorite Wing...and why
Chris Draper...because he look like my dad...a dad who always loved me but was never there because he had to work so hard hard (we stopped paying attention at this point).

Asking price to have a lesbian encounter with the Shetuzzi?
$1,000 and four shots of Rumplemintz

Really, that's it?
Yes

Biggest concern against the Coyotes
I hear they poop indoors. That's gross. Plus, I'm a cat person.

Why?
Because they're independent.

How many cats do you have?
Seven

Are you concerned you'll die alone?
Do you want me to be honest here?

Not really. (TPL)

How often do you read TPL?
Rarely any more, because my crazy boyfriend Rocco caught me masturbating to the masthead a month ago and got jealous.

How big an ol boy is Rocco?
He used to play in the XFL...pretty big.

Is that a joke? I thought the XFL was all animated?
Are we ever going to talk about hockey?

We're asking the questions here...but since you asked...how far do you think the Wings can go in the playoffs this year?
What wings? The wings of love? Like that Bette Midler song about the wind beneath my wings? Are they in some best lovessong challenge on 107.3? I always loved that movie.

(pause)

What do you think about a grown man with the nickname "Breezy?"
That's gay

Any closing thoughts on Phoenix?
I've never been to Brazil. Can't say anything beyond the photos I've seen.